The relationship with our Mothers

Our relationship with our mother will have an influence on our personality, behaviour and self-esteem which could last a life time.  It could end out to a positive and it could end out as a negative.

The different types for “problem mother”: Angry, controlling, emotionally unavailable, controlling and critical.

Angry mother that uses anger all the time to control family members will become a problem. The children will life in a constant fear, waiting for the explosion.  The long term stress is psychologically damaging. Making the child not able to deal with and the problems could continue into adulthood.  A lot of adults still panic when their mother is angry and they feel they are in the wrong constantly.  

These adults will become appeasers, where they please and placate others.  It will stunt the adult ability to make real friendships.

Controlling mother will take charge of their child's life, she will even tell the child what to see, feel and want.  Control can shape the basic values and set down rules, but listening and the respect the child needs to make sensible decisions has the child grows.  The child of a controlling parent could become distrustful of their own needs.  Anxiety will occur. They will also lie in order to keep a controlling mother happy.

An adult will carry scares.  It will be very important to share such experiences will people they can help you.

The adult could develop a thoughtful personality, and they will think before saying anything out loud.

A mother with narcissistic tendencies will not able to show empathy that is import in a healthy parent-child relationship as the mother sees the child as competition when the child seeks attention.  The child of a narcissistic mother will be under constant pressure to be both subservient to his or her mothers’ ego.  The child will be expected to shine. The child lives in fear that the relationship with their mother will offend her.

The child can grow up to be diplomatic, patient and set a high stand for themselves.  They could also grow up feeling that they are not good enough.

Envious mother becomes hostile at the child's success.  A child expects admiration from his mother but instead she has a look of contempt on her face.  Children learn that the good things in their lives somehow offend, even harm, the person who matters deeply to them, and whom they long to please.  When the child hits adolescence the mothers envy flourishes and they don't have a sense of pride in the achievements their child has made.  It’s diverting attention from the mother.  The child's self-worth must be as low as the mother so that the mother feels that this secures the bond with the child.

Children could learn to look past this and become high achievers, driven by the mother's envy.

An emotionally unavailable mother can make it very difficult for a child to deal with all kinds of upsets and confusion.  The mother's emotional absence does affect the physical and chemical make-up of the child's brain.

‘Affective sharing’, or emotional exchanges between mother and baby, increases brain growth and generates those crucial brain systems that help us manage our own emotions, organise our thoughts, and plan our lives. Positive emotional exchanges have been shown to stimulate the growth of the cortisol receptors in the brain that absorb and buffer stress hormones. It builds the brain strength we need to bounce back from disappointment and failure. 

These children can grow up seeing their role as a comforter and protector.  They could feel guilty for being happy and take on large amounts of responsibility to make up for absence.

(See experiments done on chimpanzees.)

As an adult your probably see that ordinary emotions such as joy and sadness as an extreme, self-indulgent and even dangerous.  Adults might also have deep-seated beliefs about the role that they play in close relationships, believing that other people's needs are more important, that they always have to be the mature one and cannot trust people to be there for you.  It will help with dealing with difficult people and help with dealing people in general.  The mother will take huge amount of time and energy.

Our relationship with our mother will have an influence on our personality, behaviour and self-esteem which could last a life time.  It could end out to a positive and it could end out as a negative.

The different types for “problem mother”: Angry, controlling, emotionally unavailable, controlling and critical.

Angry mother that uses anger all the time to control family members will become a problem. The children will life in a constant fear, waiting for the explosion.  The long term stress is psychologically damaging. Making the child not able to deal with and the problems could continue into adulthood.  A lot of adults still panic when their mother is angry and they feel they are in the wrong constantly.  

These adults will become appeasers, where they please and placate others.  It will stunt the adult ability to make real friendships.

Controlling mother will take charge of their child's life, she will even tell the child what to see, feel and want.  Control can shape the basic values and set down rules, but listening and the respect the child needs to make sensible decisions has the child grows.  The child of a controlling parent could become distrustful of their own needs.  Anxiety will occur. They will also lie in order to keep a controlling mother happy.

An adult will carry scares.  It will be very important to share such experiences will people they can help you.

The adult could develop a thoughtful personality, and they will think before saying anything out loud.

A mother with narcissistic tendencies will not able to show empathy that is import in a healthy parent-child relationship as the mother sees the child as competition when the child seeks attention.  The child of a narcissistic mother will be under constant pressure to be both subservient to his or her mothers’ ego.  The child will be expected to shine. The child lives in fear that the relationship with their mother will offend her.

The child can grow up to be diplomatic, patient and set a high stand for themselves.  They could also grow up feeling that they are not good enough.

Envious mother becomes hostile at the child's success.  A child expects admiration from his mother but instead she has a look of contempt on her face.  Children learn that the good things in their lives somehow offend, even harm, the person who matters deeply to them, and whom they long to please.  When the child hits adolescence the mothers envy flourishes and they don't have a sense of pride in the achievements their child has made.  It’s diverting attention from the mother.  The child's self-worth must be as low as the mother so that the mother feels that this secures the bond with the child.

Children could learn to look past this and become high achievers, driven by the mother's envy.

An emotionally unavailable mother can make it very difficult for a child to deal with all kinds of upsets and confusion.  The mother's emotional absence does affect the physical and chemical make-up of the child's brain.

‘Affective sharing’, or emotional exchanges between mother and baby, increases brain growth and generates those crucial brain systems that help us manage our own emotions, organise our thoughts, and plan our lives. Positive emotional exchanges have been shown to stimulate the growth of the cortisol receptors in the brain that absorb and buffer stress hormones. It builds the brain strength we need to bounce back from disappointment and failure. 

These children can grow up seeing their role as a comforter and protector.  They could feel guilty for being happy and take on large amounts of responsibility to make up for absence.

(See experiments done on chimpanzees.)

As an adult your probably see that ordinary emotions such as joy and sadness as an extreme, self-indulgent and even dangerous.  Adults might also have deep-seated beliefs about the role that they play in close relationships, believing that other people's needs are more important, that they always have to be the mature one and cannot trust people to be there for you.  It will help with dealing with difficult people and help with dealing people in general.  The mother will take huge amount of time and energy.

You, the adult, you have to start to realise that how you were brought up has affected the way you see yourself.  You play down your own feelings and feel guilty, holding yourself back from gaining confidence from having new experiences.  You need to forgive your mother and most importantly you need to forgive yourself.  You were not to blame but you felt that you were and probably blamed yourself.  You were not at fault.