These are more for my mother and me. It does not fit in the
pattern of me and my daughters. I guess I have my mother to thank for
this, if she never raised me the way she did, I would never of been aware of
problems between mothers and daughters. I was very aware that if the
relationship between my mother and me had been different, I would have ended up
being a very different person from whom I am now!
Instead I decided to break the mould. Not do the same thing as my mother
did for me. I loved my mother, but we never had an ideal relationship.
My mother would do the talking for me, if anybody talked to me, my mother
would answer for me. She labelled me and that label stuck for a very long
time. I am not so sure if this label will ever go away. If anybody
labels me, I want to run and hide. It's very painful and I know once labelled,
that label is for life, it does not matter how one changes. One still has
the same old label for the rest of one’s life.
One would think that there would a very strong bond between mother and
child. This is not a given, even though the mother carries her daughter
for nine months. Her daughter is dependent on her for many
years.
Especially for a new mother, it’s a very new experience been pregnant,
having this little thing grows in your womb, everything changes. Mood
swings, morning sickness, tiredness, urinating frequently, swollen ankles and
fingers. Getting a bigger stomach, tender and swollen breast, and heart
burn, not been able to lay flat on the stomach anymore. Fear of the
pending birth. The actual birthing itself.
Being pregnant is one of the amazing experiences in a women's life. Baby
re-invents one’s life. Life is never the same after the arrival of a new
born baby.
A woman is carrying a stranger around for nine months, feeling it grow
and kick for the first time. Even then babies know exactly the wrong
times to get active. Kicking hard in the middle of the night when the
expecting mother needs her sleep, lol.
Pregnancy
seems designed to prepare you for life as a mother. You start making sacrifices
nine months before the child is born, so by the time they put in an appearance
you are used to giving things up for them.
― Brett Kiellerop
― Brett Kiellerop
I guess the problems occur between mothers and daughters right from the
start, when the mother holds her child for the very first time and indeed she
is holding a stranger. Not all pregnancy are welcomed with open arms,
there could be many reasons for this. An unplanned pregnancy,
domestic trouble between husband and wife, new mother being a single. Financial difficulties. All breeding grounds for unhealthy
relationships between mother and daughter.
Please remember that it’s not your daughter's fault, she never asked to
be born. Love this little bundle with your heart and soul, prepare her
ahead for a future she can cope with her, so that she never knows the heart
ache and pain of not really being wanted. Never ever tell your daughter
that she was not wanted. It’s not only unmarried mothers that go through
these feelings of not wanting an unplanned pregnancy, but it happens with many
married woman. A daughter can survive without her father but cannot
survive without her mother’s love!!!
It’s true enough that all daughters of unloving and unattuned mothers
have common experiences. The lack of maternal warmth and validation warps their
sense of self, makes them lack confidence in or be wary of close
emotional connection, and shapes them in ways that are both seen and unseen.
“'You are what you
are. You are what you are feeling.’ Allowing us to believe in our own reality.
Persuading us that it is safe to expose our early fragile beginning-to-grow
true self.”
The unloved daughter hears something very different, and takes away
another lesson entirely. Unlike the daughter of an attuned mother who grows in
reflected light, the unloved daughter is diminished by the connection.
Yet, despite the broad strokes of this shared and painful experience,
the pattern of connection—how the mother interacts with her daughter—varies
significantly from one pair to another. These different behaviours affect
daughters in specific ways.
Mothers that are dismissive to their daughters, their daughters doubt
their own emotional needs. The terrible feeling of been unworthy of
attention, leaves them with an intense longing to be loved. This is what
I experienced, and I still think that I am unworthy of someone wanting me and
needing me. I think that they can do much better will someone else, and I
will even encourage them to look for someone else. Daughters need to be close
to their mothers, just because the mother is dismissive, the daughters needs
just don't disappear.
The mother that does things for the child's "own good" becomes
a controlling mother. Yet she does not acknowledge her daughter
accomplishments and instil a sense of insecurity and helplessness. The
mother is telling her daughter, that she is inadequate, cannot be trusted and
the daughter will fail, as she has no mother's guidance.
Emotionally unavailable mothers do a lot of damage. What I felt,
that my mother withheld love from me. Lack of physical contact, no
hugging, unless it was to force me to read. Or when I was hurting so badly,
that when she tried to hold me, it was like a physical pain, I had already
established that to be hugged was a punishment in itself. Abandonment leaves
scars all of its own; it’s extremely painful and very bewildering.
“I could never understand why my Mom didn’t want to be around. I felt a
huge part was missing in my life and that only my Mom could fill it.”
All of these behaviours leave daughters emotionally hungry and sometimes
desperately needy. The luckiest daughters will find another family
member—a father, a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle—to step into the emotional
breach which helps but doesn’t heal; many don’t. These insecurely attached
daughters often become clingy in adult relationships, needing constant
reassurance, from friends and lovers alike.
A lack of boundaries, boundaries are essential for growing up. A
healthy and attuned maternal relationship offers security and freedom to roam
at once—the infant is released from her mother’s arms to crawl, the adolescent counselled
but listened to and respected—and this pattern does not. That’s all
missing.
The mother that is intensely jealous of her daughter, a mother who is in
competition with her own daughter. The mother that uses mental and verbal abuse
to win and will restore to physical abuse. She rationalizes her behaviours
as being necessary because of defects in her daughter’s character or behaviour.
This is dangerous territory.
Many daughters report that the pain of feeling responsible somehow—the
belief that they “made’ their mothers react, or that they are unworthy—is as
crippling as the lack of maternal love. Blame and shame was usually this
mother’s weapons of choice.
Not knowing how the mother will be on that occasion, will her the
"good mommy" or the "bad mommy"
“I trace my own lack
of self-confidence back to my mother. She was emotionally unreliable—horribly
critical of me one day, dismissive the next, and then, out of nowhere, smiling
and fussing over me. I now realize that the smiley mom thing usually happened
in front of other people who were her audience. Anyway, I never knew what to
expect. She could be intolerably present, inexplicably absent, and then playing
a part. I assumed I’d done something to make her treat me the way she did. Now,
I know she did what she felt like, without any thought of me, but I still hear
her voice in my head especially when life gets difficult or I feel insecure.”
A mother that sees her daughter as an extension of herself and nothing
more. The mother carefully controls her involvement when it suits her.
The mother is incapable of empathy, and very concern with what others
think. Her emotional connection to her daughter is superficial as she
focuses on herself. She manipulates and controls her daughter in order to
feel good.
Daughter who are forced to become "the mother". This
happens when the mother has children at a very early age and she cannot handle
the situation.
