Being complete

Does a relationship complete you?

“You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.”

There is desperation in a few topics in life.  Love, relationships and marriage.  Love with regard to being single.  To be single, does that mean that one is incomplete?  Society has the habit of looking at single people as not being complete in them until they meet their soul mate.  Society has portrayed being single as a sort of disease rather than being an acceptable state.  Many believe that they are incomplete until they find their soul mate.

Being desperate

Finding a soul mate leads to anxiety and desperation.  People start getting into relationships for the sake of just having a relationship.  This would lead to the following; they attract and enter into suboptimal relationships.  The people they get together with are not right for them, nor do these people help them become better people, or treat them on the level of respect that is due to them.  This always leads to constant unhappiness and heartache.  Depression and disappointment will happen when they cannot find the person of their dream when they break up with their previous partner.

Myself = Single
I am 52 years old.  I have two wonderful daughters by the same father.  I could say that I never had a really serious relationship where the man wanted to marry me.  I loved the father of my children very much.  It took me a very long time to get over him.  When my youngest daughter turned 16th, I started to think of "me".  All those years I just concentrated on being a mother, there for my daughters. I started dating and these relationships were unsuccessful, I think I had the wrong idea on what a relationship should entail.  Now I realise the priority is not finding a soul mate, but finding me.  I never knew who I was, as a kid or even an adult.  

I never came to this realisation by myself.  This wonderful beautiful man came into my life, no I have never met him physically, but talked on “Whatsapp”.  He was the one to help me.  He restored my confidence in myself as a woman and as a person.  He made me realise that I was hanging on being a victim of my past and that I need to let go in order to move on, in order to become a survivor!  I know this man is looking for that someone to complete him, to share these small things with, holding hands, having someone to hold him, when he is sad. To lay his head in their lap, while they gently run their fingers through his hair.  Those small things that are over looked. You have no idea how satisfactory these small things can be!!  

I watched his desperation in finding that person, and that what was actually what made me re-valuate my life. He was never happy with what he had, always looking, always searching for something much better. Meanwhile he had that all along, but he never released it and probably never will realise this until he can settle for what he has.  Always crying that he had lost something or someone because he never realised at the time the true value of what he had.

With this re-valuation I have come to the conclusion, I must first be happy with myself, find the joys within myself.  Follow the passions in my life that I never had time for.

Depression and sadness was constantly in my life.  It got so bad that I went to a doctor to get treated for depression.  These happy pills brought new issue that I had to deal with.  Two months into the treatment I decided to go cold turkey.  This was not the solution for me.  The solution was to start fighting, make an extreme effort to get over the sadness and depression.  Every day is a struggle, some days are worse than others.  I have got a new lease in life and I am not going to let go of it.  I am concentrating on the good in my life.  My daughters, my beautifully wonderful daughters that have grown into the most amazing adults, and my grandchildren.

People seem to forget, having a soul mate is not a bed of roses.  Other issues arise, sure it must be amazing to have this person love you and you love them, but its not always up hill, there will be many potholes, many issues that have to be solved.  People forget that the soul mate comes with their own luggage, that need to be dealt together.  In this life it would be impossible to come across a person that did not have issues.

Realization That I Am Complete

It was from my introspection and probing that it finally hit home – I was looking at all of this the wrong way. All the frustration, anticipation and expectations on getting a relationship arose because I was looking for a relationship to complete myself.

The truth is, I am already complete by myself. There is no need for my life partner to enter into my life before all those things can happen. I can already be doing them as and when I want to. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that I should be putting my life on hold.

I was looking at a relationship as two halves forming a whole, when it should be about two wholes forming a bigger union. When I released myself of my limiting perception that was when my views toward relationships totally changed. I stopped hinging expectations toward when I should get into a relationship and how it should be like. I stopped looking at relationships with a feeling of desperation. I became grounded in myself. I became truly and perfectly happy in the state of single hood.

Does this mean I don’t want to be in a relationship? No, I do want to be in a relationship. The difference is that desire stopped being rooted in fear-based emotions. It became rooted in groundlessness and love-based emotions.

Are You Complete By Yourself?

Are you complete by yourself? There is a huge difference on your perceptions and attitudes toward relationships between when you think of yourself as an incomplete person and when you think of yourself as already complete.

This can be an elusive quality. In the face of this question, many people will be quick to jump to their own defence and reply “yes, I’m complete.” But understand that being ‘complete’ is a state that is all encompassing. It is beyond just ‘thinking’ that you are complete. It emanates from your thoughts, emotions, actions and behaviours.

It means you start truly living life and stop becoming bothered by whether you are single or attached.

Below are eight attributes that differentiate both viewpoints of seeing yourself as incomplete vs. seeing yourself as complete:

1.    Half vs. Whole: The union of two halves to form a whole, compared to a relation of two  wholes' former a larger whole.

2.    Desperation vs. Groundlessness: Desperation in getting into a relationship that is 

       not right for you, or simple not letting go of a bad relationship.  The latter results deep  within yourself,  a relationship that is right for you.

3.    Myopia vs. Clarity:  Lack of self-awareness, lack of clarity of  what’s best for yourself or disregard of it. The latter results in full clarity on what you want  and pursuit of only what is best for you.

4.    Fear-based vs. Love-based: The former is driven by fear-based emotions, such as  anxiety, ego, pride and fear. The latter is driven by love-based emotions, such as true,  authentic and unconditional love, willingness and courage.

5.    Negativity vs. Positivity: The former results in negative feelings toward relationships  or during the course of the relationship, such as misery, anger, hatred, heartache and  unhappiness. The latter leads to positive feelings, such as abundance, bliss, joy,  happiness. Contrary to popular belief, hate is not the result of love. Hate is the result of  pride. True unconditional love does not result in hatred.

6.    Subjectivity vs. Objectivity: The former leads to irrationality and what people refer to  as ‘blinded by love’. The second is rooted in objectivity.

7.    Poor quality relationships vs. Soul mate relationships: The former attracts  negative relationships into your life. When you view a relationship as something that  completes you, you attract other people who have this mindset too, and that leads to a  relationship which is rooted in fear and negativity. The latter attracts your soul mate  relationship, one that elevates you, makes you a better person, and brings you actual  bliss and joy.

8.    Dependency vs. Independency: The former leads to dependency and reliance on  the partner in the relationship and withdrawals without the partner. The latter leads to  symbiotic, interdependent roles in a relationship but at the same time, full independency  by yourself.

How To Become Complete By Yourself

There are several thoughts people unknowingly adopt which result in an incomplete perception of themselves. Below are three guiding checkpoints in becoming a fully, complete person:

Love Yourself Unconditionally

Is there anything that you wish is different about yourself? Realize that your dislikes are part of what contributed you to becoming the person you are today. Without them, the other parts of you which you like would not have existed. Love who you are right now, unconditionally. While you can work on addressing those dislikes and improving yourself, you need to start off from a point where you already unequivocally love who you are right now. Improving yourself will just make you love yourself even more.

Be Completely Happy By Yourself

Are you happy being by yourself? Do you love spending time with yourself? 

This is a second level check to the first point. If you already love yourself unconditionally, you will be completely happy by yourself. You won’t look toward someone else to complete you and make you happy. Don’t look toward a relationship as an end point where eternal happiness can be attained. Complete happiness is already possible and attainable right now, at this moment, by yourself. 

Live Life To The Fullest

Are you living your life now, instead of waiting for that special one to come and do all those things with?  You don't need to wait for a relationship until you can be completely happy.  Do things with your friends, your family. Have a life!

Being Complete

When you start seeing yourself as complete, getting into a relationship becomes something that is supplementary and will make you a fuller person, vs. a prerequisite to make you whole. Since you do not look toward having a relationship to complete yourself, your attitude toward love and relationship stops becoming rooted in fear and desperation. You stop looking at singlehood as an undesirable state.

You start becoming grounded. You start to know what you want and what’s truly right for you. You become full of self-confidence, love and happiness. While you look toward being in a relationship someday, at the same time, you are perfectly happy being by yourself.

If—

By Rudyard Kipling

(‘Brother Square-Toes’—Rewards and Fairies)

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Source: A Choice of Kipling's Verse (1943)