Fathers and Sons

I write as a mother, the father of my children forgo the beautiful experience being a father to the most amazing beautiful, clever daughters. I know my children are searching for their lost father.  I never said a bad word about their father to them.  There came a time in their lives they were extremely angry with me.  They asked me how I could do this to them. Let them grow up, without a father, not take proper and sufficient precautions.  They phoned their father and arranged to meet him.  I never tried to stop them.  They came back with the knowledge that is the type of person that their father was, that is why they never had a father.  My daughters still love their father, even though he was never a father to them.

I will never understand how fathers walk out on their kids, when they walk out on the woman that they promised to love for eternity.  Why mothers poison their kids’ minds against the father.  Why fathers never fight for the right to have their kids in their lives.

Fathers are very important to sons, fathers do a lot of damage to their sons, when they don't acknowledge and love their sons as they should do.  Girls are brought up to be much tougher, they better equipped to handle the loss of a father that’s gone, but not gone. Even so they struggle for the rest of their lives.

To be a mother is one of the most amazing experiences in this life.  To be pregnant for nine months. Those nine months is an experience that no mother can ever forget. The first time the baby kicks.  To hear the baby heartbeat.  To watch the baby growth, on the sonogram. A little miracle growing  inside you, knowing that one day you will hold this child in your arms, this the greatest gifts. Knowing that the most eternal bond has been made with the father of this child. 

A Boy Or A Girl

At first you moved,

only a little.

I could always find you,

right in the middle.

As time went on,

you really started to grow.

It wasn't a whole lot,

in fact, it was rather slow.

Before I knew it,

you were all over the place.

It kind of felt like

you were running a race.

People would ask me

if you were a boy or a girl.

I would sit and wonder,

if you would have curls.

There are so many things

I really want to know.

But you are hidden inside,

so the answers don't show.

How much will you weigh?

How tall will you be?

What color is your hair?

Will you even like me?

I hope and pray

you feel like you belong.

I never want you to feel

like you are alone.

Your Dad and I

planned you from the start.

You, my dear child,

were made straight from our hearts.

In about a week or so,

I'll meet you, for the first time.

For you are the product

of your Dad's love and mine.

There will be no one like you,

not any place in the world.

It really doesn't matter

if you are a boy or a girl.

We are both so happy

that you even exist.

The gender doesn't matter.

you'll be hard to resist.

I hope I make you proud,

that I am your mother every day.

Because, you have filled my dreams

in more ways than words can say.

It won't be long before

I can look you in the eyes.

I can feel the excitement growing,

I know I'm going to cry.

Don't worry my angel,

those tears will be of joy.

It won't matter to me

if you are a girl or a boy.

© Regina M. Linn

It’s a sense of masculinity being a father.  Why do so many men forgo this?

A New Father's Questions

You come to me with sadness in your eyes,

And tell me we have to talk,

Immediately I think the worst,

'Is it me? Does she want to walk?'

You try to begin, but don't know how,

And my nerves are standing on end.

You say that you're pregnant, two times confirmed,

And we may have a new little friend.

I'm speechless and breathless,

I can't form words to say,

This isn't what I expected,

Driving home today.

I know this is sudden,

And we haven't prepared,

But we've been through so much already,

Look at all we've shared.

Now there's another life,

Growing inside of you,

And I wonder what kind of Dad I'll be,

Will our Child's dreams come true?

Will I be the kind of father?

Who does upon his child?

Who fixes skinned knees?

With a smile, patient and mild?

Will I learn to chase the monsters?

From underneath their bed?

Will I be able to ease the nightmares?

From our child's tiny head?

Will you shine as a mother?

Will contentment light your face?

Will it bring out even more beauty?

Which the passage of time could never erase?

Will you be the kind of mother?

Who worries each time our child is ill?

Each stuffy nose an emergency,

Or will you have more resolve than I will?

What will it look like?

Will it have your eyes?

Will it love us right away?

Will it look on us with surprise?

Will we learn to adjust to 2am cries?

Can we deal with late night feedings?

Will I cry in front of the Obstetrician?

The First time I hear our child's heart beating?

Will it be a son or daughter?

Will it grow up to be like us?

Will we learn to deal with the crankiness?

When our baby starts to fuss?

These questions seem so pertinent,

More so now than they ever had,

I hope our child will love their mother,

As much as she's loved by their Dad.

I'm scared and excited,

Hesitant and yet bold,

We're going to be a family,

And our baby we'll soon hold.

Will it be a boy or a girl?

I guess only time will tell

© Jose Bernard

Each generation that passes spend less time with their sons.  Finally fathers are becoming irrelevant in the lives of their own sons.  In additions fathers have less authority.  In order for men to be the bread winners, father and husband skills took a back seat.  Men stopped doing all the things they usually did, they mainly became the Provider, bringing things home to the family rather than being with the family.  Mother made the fathers into disciplinarians:  "Wait till your father comes home!".

THE PROVIDER
The father's position in the family no longer determined on how good a father was but how well he was as a Provider.  The father that did not support is family very well became an inescapable failure, a disappointment and a buffoon.  Once the father became a part of the work environment, his family values ceased.  He values changed towards work and work became something else.  A place where he could shine.

Father did not slow down when he reached the level where his family would be provider for; he strove harder for the approval of his fellow workers and earn praise from them.  The father was a working man, and the family had to understand that they no longer came first.

In his mind, he had moved out. He had gone to conquer the world.

THE BREAD WINNERS

Society decided that women would raise the children and men would go to work. Fathers became too busy for their children and boys began to grow up without their fathers. The boys would suffer if there were no other role models in the form of uncles, cousins, grandfathers and old brothers. Work would take fathers further away from their families and homes.

Children grow up thinking that a father's life is his work, and families cannot rely on their father anymore. A man, talking about the problems with his son, said, "I don't know what Betty could have done wrong raising that boy. I know it wasn't anything I did, since I was busy working and left it to her. I barely saw the kid so I couldn't have done anything wrong."

LOST FATHER

Boys and for many grown men are searching for a lost father, who never offered protection, provision, nurturing or modelling.  Fathers that are jail, fathers that never taken responsibility for the children that they have helped create.  Those fathers that don't know how to be a man with a woman and fill up the divorce court, all those corporate raiders who want more in hopes that more will make them feel better; and all those masculopathic philanderers, contenders, and controllers--all of them are suffering from Father Hunger.

They go through their adolescent rituals day after day for a lifetime, waiting for a father to anoint them and treat them as good enough to be considered a man. They get into trouble, getting hurt and doing things that is bad for them, hoping that their father will come and straighten them out, or at least teach them how to deal with the pain. Take notice that they are alive!! Father has become a fatal deficiency. It’s not too much mother but to little father.

THE MYTHS OF MASCULINITY

The fear of the too-powerful father and the new longing for a father to love, teach and accept his children. The pain, grief and shame from the failed father-son relationship, shown in popular movies which had father-and-son themes that influence things that happen between men and women.

Men feared being like their fathers, and wanted desperately to bond with him, ever if they could never please him.

The most important determinant is whether the boy will became a man capable of being a real father, or will he go through life ashamed and pulling back from exposure to intimacy with men, women and children. 

A NEW GENERATION OF NURTURERS
It takes the fulfilment of all these relationships for a boy to become a man who is able to live in peace and co-operation with his community and to give something back to his family. Fathering makes a man--whatever his standing in the eyes of the world-feel strong and good and important, just as he makes his child feel loved and valued.
Parenting is not an efficient process; the old concept of "quality time" is a cruel cop-out. A father who gets to hang out with his children is reliving the joys of his own childhood.

Becoming Father the Nurturer rather than just Father the Provider enables a man to fully feet and express his humanity and masculinity. Fathering is the most masculine thing a man can do.

Will this new generation discover the healing power of fatherhood? Men who are willing to risk this, being hands-on fathers.