Recognising and Dealing with Anger

Anger

What Is Anger?

Anger is an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.  Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself.

Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. However, it can be a problem if you find it difficult to keep it under control.  You can control your anger, and you have a responsibility to do so.

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? a number of things,  one cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural.

Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.

“Let it all hang out” is a dangerous myth.  Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.

It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge. 

Dealing with anger in other ways

Change the way you think

Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get over exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Communication
Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering

Humour
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

Recognise your anger signs

Dealing with anger is important.  Everyone has a physical reaction to anger. Be aware of what your body is telling you, and take steps to calm yourself down.

Your heart beats faster and you breathe more quickly, preparing you for action.

You might also notice other signs, such as tension in your shoulders or clenching your fists.   If you notice these signs, get out of the situation if you’ve got a history of losing control.

Counting to 10 gives you time to cool down, so you can think more clearly and overcome the impulse to lash out.

Breathe out for longer than you breathe in, and relax as you breathe out.   You automatically breathe in more than out when you’re feeling angry, and the trick is to breathe out more than in.  This will calm you down effectively and help you think more clearly.

Once you can recognise that you’re getting angry, and can calm yourself down, you can start looking at ways to control your anger more generally. 

Exercise can help with anger

Bring down your general stress levels with exercise and relaxation. Running, walking, swimming, yoga and meditation are just a few activities that can reduce stress.  Exercise as part of your daily life is a good way to get rid of irritation and anger.  Looking after yourself may keep you calm.

Make time to relax regularly, and ensure that you get enough sleep. Drugs and alcohol can make anger problems worse.   They lower inhibitions and, actually, we need inhibitions to stop us acting unacceptably when we’re angry.

Get creative

Writing, making music, dancing or painting can release tension and reduce feelings of anger.

Talk about how you feel

Discussing your feelings with a friend can be useful and can help you get a different perspective on the situation.

Let go of angry thoughts

Try to let go of any unhelpful ways of thinking.  Thoughts such as 'It’s not fair,' or 'People like that shouldn’t be on the roads,' can make anger worse."

Thinking like this will keep you focused on whatever it is that’s making you angry.   Let these thoughts go and it will be easier to calm down.

Try to avoid using phrases that include:

 Always (for example:  "You always do that.")

 Never ("You never listen to me.")

 Should or shouldn't ("You should do what I want," or "You shouldn’t be on the roads.")

 Must or mustn't ("I must be on time," or "I mustn't be late.")

 Ought or oughtn’t to ("People ought to get out of my way.")   Not fair