Know oneself, how we see ourselves

To make it in this world we have to understand how others think of us.  Clearly the easiest is how we see ourselves.

I don't care what others think of me, well this is what I tell myself all the time.  I know others have this same feeling, but we do want to fit into society.  Social anxiety occurs when we feel that we are threatened by exclusion, feeling that we're not accepted by a group leaves us agitated and depressed.

The ability to see how people connect to us usually helps us connect with others and get the deep satisfaction that comes with the ties.  Would it be nice to be a fly on the wall, to hear how people pick us apart after meeting us or interacting with us.  But lucky for us we can't.  We are left with the idea how others think of us. This is called "metaperceptions"

Metaperception also known as the looking-glass self, a social psychological concept, created by Charles Horton Cooley.

"I am not what I think I am and I am not what you think I am; I am what I think that you think I am."

Self-concept is based on your own beliefs about who your are.  Your ideas about what others think on hinged on your self-concept.  the self-concept filters the cues that you get from others.

Our self is shaped by one person in particular, our mother.  Our mothers play a very important part in our lives.  How our mother responded to our first cries weigh heavily on how we expect to be seen by other.  Children behave in ways that reflect on what they have experienced.  A child who had an unresponsive mother will act obnoxious or withdrawn so people will keep their distance.  Children with responsive mother will be confident and connect well with their peers.

An infant scans his mother's face to absorb clues to who he is, as an adult he will search for reflections in others' eyes.  The parent bond does take a bit to alter self-concept forged in childhood, wither good or bad.  People rely on others' impressions to nurture their views about themselves, says William Swann, professor of psychology at the University of Texas, Austin. His research shows that people with negative self-concepts goad others to evaluate them harshly, especially if they suspect the person likes them—they would rather be right than be admired.

We have a fairly stable view of ourselves, and we expect other people to see that same view.

Each person has an idiosyncratic way of summing up other, its based on our own self-concept. Each person you will meet will sum you up will lead to misconception from other peoples point of views.  Some people are "likers" and will think that everyone they meet is good. If a person does not like you, it is not always apparent.  People are not not direct in their everyday interactions.  How many interactions have you had thinking that you where a hit while your new friend is faking agreeability?

Your curiosity will help you learn new things and about yourself, if you are open to new experience.  You will then be inclined to ask people how you are doing on these new adventures and you will get a clearer idea how you come off to others.

People with the physical awareness have a keen sense on how they present themselves.  Be concerned with voice, posture, clothes and walk, you will control the impression you give others and your self-perception will be more accurate.  If you slouch your bad posture will register in the mind of those who meet you, without you knowing this.

If you crave approval you general will make a positive impression on other people.

People who have learned to regulate their emotions are in a much better position to know what others think of them.  They are able to detect emotions on others' faces and to feel empathy.

If you are unable to express your feelings it becomes difficult to interpret others responses to you.  Learn to control your feelings and calm yourself will help you get a better grip on your own and others state of mind.

The personalities that feed the accuracy of their metaperception are handsomely rewarded. They are able to fare better in society.

Some people prevent themselves from getting feed back from others.  This does not help them with the feed back on how they came off with others.  Maybe its a reaction to a bad evaluation and you burst out crying.  People will be inclined to leave you alone.

Some demeanor will make people lie to you. By protecting a fragility that will make people to be open and honest.

Narcissism blocks metaperception. Instead of wincing, as "normal" subjects do, when forced to see themselves onscreen, narcissists become even more self-biased.

Perhaps the delicate balance between feeling good about yourself and knowing exactly how you come off is best maintained not by all those elusive "others." Maybe it's maintained by your most significant ones, the people who will keep you in line but appreciate you for who you are, not just for the impressions you leave behind.

                                 Myself

by Edgar A. Guest

I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able as days go by,
To look at myself straight in the eye.
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.

I don't want to hide on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
What kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself in sham.

I want to go with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect
And in this struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I am a bluster and empty show.

I cannot hide myself from me;
I can see what others can never see;
I know what others can never know,
I cannot fool myself, and so

Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.