Mothers and their Daughters

These are more for my mother and me.  It does not fit in the pattern of me and my daughters.  I guess I have my mother to thank for this, if she never raised me the way she did, I would never of been aware of problems between mothers and daughters.  I was very aware that if the relationship between my mother and me had been different, I would have ended up being a very different person from whom I am now!

Instead I decided to break the mould. Not do the same thing as my mother did for me.  I loved my mother, but we never had an ideal relationship.  My mother would do the talking for me, if anybody talked to me, my mother would answer for me.  She labelled me and that label stuck for a very long time.  I am not so sure if this label will ever go away.  If anybody labels me, I want to run and hide.  It's very painful and I know once labelled, that label is for life, it does not matter how one changes.  One still has the same old label for the rest of one’s life.

One would think that there would a very strong bond between mother and child.  This is not a given, even though the mother carries her daughter for nine months.  Her daughter is dependent on her for many years.

Especially for a new mother, it’s a very new experience been pregnant, having this little thing grows in your womb, everything changes.  Mood swings, morning sickness, tiredness, urinating frequently, swollen ankles and fingers.  Getting a bigger stomach, tender and swollen breast, and heart burn, not been able to lay flat on the stomach anymore.  Fear of the pending birth.  The actual birthing itself.

Being pregnant is one of the amazing experiences in a women's life. Baby re-invents one’s life. Life is never the same after the arrival of a new born baby.

A woman is carrying a stranger around for nine months, feeling it grow and kick for the first time.  Even then babies know exactly the wrong times to get active.  Kicking hard in the middle of the night when the expecting mother needs her sleep, lol.

 Pregnancy seems designed to prepare you for life as a mother. You start making sacrifices nine months before the child is born, so by the time they put in an appearance you are used to giving things up for them.
― Brett Kiellerop

I guess the problems occur between mothers and daughters right from the start, when the mother holds her child for the very first time and indeed she is holding a stranger.  Not all pregnancy are welcomed with open arms, there could be many reasons for this.  An unplanned pregnancy, domestic trouble between husband and wife, new mother being a single. Financial difficulties.  All breeding grounds for unhealthy relationships between mother and daughter.

It All Started With A Hook Up...

© Mikaela

It started with a hook up.

And than the plus sign appeared. 

Your daddy told me to take care of it.

I did as he told. 

I went to get you aborted but I couldn't. 

I left crying into my best friends arms. 

You were still inside of me. 

I knew what I was going to do.

I was going to raise you on my own.

He asked me if I did it.

I said yes and left it at that.

3 months later my parents still didn't know.

I went for a check up. 

And I saw you. 

I couldn't believe you were mine. 

I was so happy that I finally made a good decision. 

5 months now and people were starting rumors.

I just told them I was gaining weight. 

They believed me and dropped the topic. 

Another check up came by.

The doctor said you were a healthy baby girl.

I knew I had to tell my parents soon.

I wasn't going to be able to hide it anymore. 

It was 5 ½ months now. 

I was at a friend's house and I passed out bleeding. 

I was rushed to the doctors. 

They came in and told me it was normal.

It was normal for teenagers to loose babies.

I told them it couldn't be true. 

I told them to run the test again.

And they told me there is nothing they can do. 

I sat there and cried. 

My parents don't know. 

And nether does your daddy.

Very few people do and they all miss you just as much as I do.

You would have been born in a month and a half. 

I miss you so much. 

There is not a day I don't go by with out thinking of you.

I wish you were in my arms and not in heaven.

Maybe if I just told the truth. 

Was I being punished? 

But why did you take the punishment? 

I miss you my baby girl. 

But don't worry we will meet again. 

And until than just remember I love you.

Please remember that it’s not your daughter's fault, she never asked to be born.  Love this little bundle with your heart and soul, prepare her ahead for a future she can cope with her, so that she never knows the heart ache and pain of not really being wanted.  Never ever tell your daughter that she was not wanted.  It’s not only unmarried mothers that go through these feelings of not wanting an unplanned pregnancy, but it happens with many married woman.  A daughter can survive without her father but cannot survive without her mother’s love!!!

A Mother's Love

© Crystal M. Johnston

Published on February 2006

A mother's love is a treasure within.
Taking chances on one's little life to make sure they are safe and sound.
A mother's love is for her child no matter how near or far they are from each other.
A mother's love is doing everything to make sure her child's life is safe from harm.
A mother's love is taking the risk of losing her own life to make sure her child can live out theirs.
A mother's love is unconditional no matter what the child does.
A mother's love is always there pure and true.
A mother's love is there forever.

It’s true enough that all daughters of unloving and unattuned mothers have common experiences. The lack of maternal warmth and validation warps their sense of self, makes them lack confidence in or be wary of close emotional connection, and shapes them in ways that are both seen and unseen.

“'You are what you are. You are what you are feeling.’ Allowing us to believe in our own reality. Persuading us that it is safe to expose our early fragile beginning-to-grow true self.”

The unloved daughter hears something very different, and takes away another lesson entirely. Unlike the daughter of an attuned mother who grows in reflected light, the unloved daughter is diminished by the connection.

Yet, despite the broad strokes of this shared and painful experience, the pattern of connection—how the mother interacts with her daughter—varies significantly from one pair to another. These different behaviours affect daughters in specific ways. 

Mothers that are dismissive to their daughters, their daughters doubt their own emotional needs.  The terrible feeling of been unworthy of attention, leaves them with an intense longing to be loved.  This is what I experienced, and I still think that I am unworthy of someone wanting me and needing me.  I think that they can do much better will someone else, and I will even encourage them to look for someone else. Daughters need to be close to their mothers, just because the mother is dismissive, the daughters needs just don't disappear.

The mother that does things for the child's "own good" becomes a controlling mother.  Yet she does not acknowledge her daughter accomplishments and instil a sense of insecurity and helplessness.  The mother is telling her daughter, that she is inadequate, cannot be trusted and the daughter will fail, as she has no mother's guidance.

Emotionally unavailable mothers do a lot of damage.  What I felt, that my mother withheld love from me.   Lack of physical contact, no hugging, unless it was to force me to read. Or when I was hurting so badly, that when she tried to hold me, it was like a physical pain, I had already established that to be hugged was a punishment in itself. Abandonment leaves scars all of its own; it’s extremely painful and very bewildering.

“I could never understand why my Mom didn’t want to be around. I felt a huge part was missing in my life and that only my Mom could fill it.”

All of these behaviours leave daughters emotionally hungry and sometimes desperately needy. The luckiest daughters will find another family member—a father, a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle—to step into the emotional breach which helps but doesn’t heal; many don’t. These insecurely attached daughters often become clingy in adult relationships, needing constant reassurance, from friends and lovers alike.

A lack of boundaries, boundaries are essential for growing up. A healthy and attuned maternal relationship offers security and freedom to roam at once—the infant is released from her mother’s arms to crawl, the adolescent counselled but listened to and respected—and this pattern does not. That’s all missing.

The mother that is intensely jealous of her daughter, a mother who is in competition with her own daughter. The mother that uses mental and verbal abuse to win and will restore to physical abuse.  She rationalizes her behaviours as being necessary because of defects in her daughter’s character or behaviour. This is dangerous territory.

Many daughters report that the pain of feeling responsible somehow—the belief that they “made’ their mothers react, or that they are unworthy—is as crippling as the lack of maternal love. Blame and shame was usually this mother’s weapons of choice.

Not knowing how the mother will be on that occasion, will her the "good mommy" or the "bad mommy"

“I trace my own lack of self-confidence back to my mother. She was emotionally unreliable—horribly critical of me one day, dismissive the next, and then, out of nowhere, smiling and fussing over me. I now realize that the smiley mom thing usually happened in front of other people who were her audience. Anyway, I never knew what to expect. She could be intolerably present, inexplicably absent, and then playing a part. I assumed I’d done something to make her treat me the way she did. Now, I know she did what she felt like, without any thought of me, but I still hear her voice in my head especially when life gets difficult or I feel insecure.”

A mother that sees her daughter as an extension of herself and nothing more.  The mother carefully controls her involvement when it suits her.  The mother is incapable of empathy, and very concern with what others think.  Her emotional connection to her daughter is superficial as she focuses on herself.  She manipulates and controls her daughter in order to feel good.

Daughter who are forced to become "the mother".  This happens when the mother has children at a very early age and she cannot handle the situation.

 

Woman do really need men in their lives!!

Contrary to my previous blog, do we need men? yes we do!!  If man was to disappear from earth, women would do remarkable well without having a male in their lives.  In many instances the woman has to do without a male, in any case.  In the case of divorce; being unmarried with children, and being a widow.

Women have a love-hate relationship with their single status. They love the freedom, flirting and no-strings-attached life that comes with flying solo, but they dislike the absence of the comfort, constancy and companionship of the other half.

Men, generally speaking, tend to look for a mate to satisfy a sexual and an emotional need. Women have less urgency in getting these particular needs met from a man; Of course women want and need it also. Women's selection priorities are more to do with the male partner's ability to physically provide and protect her and their children.

Generally, men’s needs have not changed, and men seem just as dependent upon women for sex and emotional nourishment as ever. But these days women don’t have as much need for protection and provision 

Given that women generally can support themselves in our modern society, why exactly do they need men? 

Men and women are just as desperate, confused, lonely and needy as each other.  Women and men need each other equally. However, women need not show how much they need men.  Women need to know how much they are needed by the men, and the men must let them know that they need them in their time of need.

Love - we need the love that comes from a man. Our father figures had a large role to play in this; we usually look for a man who is very similar to our own father. With the love of a man we can conquer anything. A man makes us feel safe, powerful and wanted, amongst many other things. Love is everything

Protect - We need men to protect us from the evil beings out in the world as well as the unknown we can't see, but, men can. We need them to be our eyes and ears when we are naive to experiences.
Provide- Men are natural providers and regardless of how much money a woman makes, where you may fail, man is more than willing to provide. It would be his pleasure. There are some tasks that women just cannot do without a man. Let him provide. 

Love-Making - Using a vibrator or the hand will never make a woman feel like a man can.  The touch of his hands, the feel of his body.  To hear him breath and feel his heartbeat. Sex between two people that really love each other is something so wonderful, sex will only get better with time, as each partners learns the likes and dislikes of each other.

 
Companionship - Having tons of friends is never the same thing as having your man, who is your best friend in the world also.  You one you can watch movies, play cards, read, exercise, cook, wash dishes or just simply hold hands and look at the beautiful sunset together. Treasuring the silence and knowing he is always there for you and of cause ....... you are always there for him too.

 
Confidant - We confide in our man only and we trust only him.  All our deepest emotions we share with him. He is the only one we are intimate with, and he is compassionate and understanding. Our man will be our confidant and he will never use it as ammunition to hurt us.

 
Guidance/ Leadership - Where one is strong the other can be weak; our man can be strong when we are weak.  When our man is weak, we will be strong for him.  We will have each other’s back.  We need guidance in our lives ....Our man will be there to provide this. Were ever our man leads, we shall follow!

   

Emotional Stability - Women are extremely emotional and more than often their decisions are driven by emotions and that can lead to making bad decisions. Men are not driven by emotions, more so, logic and rationale. They will assist us in maintaining our balance and behaving more rational. 

 
Pro-Creation - We all know women can adopt or have the procedure called In Vitro Fertilization, but guess what, surrounding those situations is a man. We need men to impregnate or donate sperm if you will, so that we can bare off-springs, and leave our legacy behind. 

Completion - Women don't need men to complete them, although they may be financially well off, mentally stable, or spiritually connected, women need men to connect the last chain. Women need men to complement their completeness.  Women are single and alone until man compliments their completeness. Compliments her in her cycle of life, birth, child, teen, woman, spiritual soul mate, marriage or just a lifetime together.... Many women are spiritually complete without a man, but what better way to share the wholeness other than with the man you love and deserve to have.

My father and mother had a wonderful relationship, I only wish that I am that lucky that one day I will have what they had.  Many of the family values are disappearing, but many still hold on to them.

 

When a Woman Loves a Man

David Lehman, 1948

When she says margarita she means daiquiri.
When she says quixotic she means mercurial.
And when she says, “I’ll never speak to you again,"
she means, “Put your arms around me from behind
as I stand disconsolate at the window.”

He’s supposed to know that.

When a man loves a woman he is in New York and she is in
     Virginia
or he is in Boston, writing, and she is in New York, reading,
or she is wearing a sweater and sunglasses in Balboa Park and he
     is raking leaves in Ithaca
or he is driving to East Hampton and she is standing disconsolate
at the window overlooking the bay
where a regatta of many-colored sails is going on
while he is stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway.

When a woman loves a man it is one ten in the morning
she is asleep he is watching the ball scores and eating pretzels
drinking lemonade
and two hours later he wakes up and staggers into bed
where she remains asleep and very warm.

When she says tomorrow she means in three or four weeks.
When she says, “We’re talking about me now,"
he stops talking. Her best friend comes over and says,
“Did somebody die?”

When a woman loves a man, they have gone
to swim naked in the stream
on a glorious July day
with the sound of the waterfall like a chuckle
of water rushing over smooth rocks,
and there is nothing alien in the universe.

Ripe apples fall about them.
What else can they do but eat?

When he says, “Ours is a transitional era,"
“that’s very original of you," she replies,
dry as the martini he is sipping.

They fight all the time
It’s fun
What do I owe you?
Let’s start with an apology
Ok, I’m sorry, you dickhead.
A sign is held up saying “Laughter.”
It’s a silent picture.
“I’ve been fucked without a kiss," she says,
“and you can quote me on that,"
which sounds great in an English accent.

One year they broke up seven times and threatened to do it
     another nine times.

When a woman loves a man, she wants him to meet her at the
     airport in a foreign country with a jeep.
When a man loves a woman he’s there. He doesn’t complain that
     she’s two hours late
and there’s nothing in the refrigerator.

When a woman loves a man, she wants to stay awake.
She’s like a child crying
at nightfall because she didn’t want the day to end.

When a man loves a woman, he watches her sleep, thinking:
as midnight to the moon is sleep to the beloved.
A thousand fireflies wink at him.
The frogs sound like the string section
of the orchestra warming up.
The stars dangle down like earrings the shape of grapes.

7 Types of Commitment Phobes

The answer dwells deeply in the family of origin survival patterns. Commitment phobia is somethinge often and happens to both women and men. The key piece is fear. Fear of intimacy and deep emotional connection.




Men that have difficulty in committing have similar characteristics and ways of expressing their phobias. It can be very devastating to the woman who love them

The Unconscious Commitment Phobe
Its the most common phobia.  The guy believes that he wants commitment and love.  He becomes his worst enemy, sabotaging anything food that comes his way. What he does not realize is that perfection is impossible and while there are always other prospective love matches around the corner, they are usually no better or worse than the woman he has right in front of him.







The Conscious Commitment Phobe
He knows that he is putting on an act.  He really enjoys the woman that he is involved with. but he has not intentions of staying with.  He rather places his bet on the one that opens her lets first.  He knows that he is not fit to commit and remains single rather than making a chose.
 The conscious Commitment Phobe can sometimes be honest about his fears, making him respectable.







The Married Phobe

He loves the challenge of a chase.  He cheats on his wife.  Does not communicated with her and shuts her out.  He cannot look her directly in the eye.  The Married Phobe can drive his wife up a wall for years with his pushing, pulling, cheating, shutting down and walling off. Worse yet, on the other side of the Married Phobe is the "other woman," who waits for him to leave his wife, sometimes for decades. This guy simply can't commit to committing one way or another.






The Long Distance Phobe

He is good at long distance relationships.  They enjoy having two lives, one with you and the other with someone else who may be reading this. Never quite trusting his own inherent instincts and feelings, the Long Distance Phobe has difficulty with decision-making. Therefore, he would rather have two lives in case one doesn't work out or he gets bored. The woman who is far away is usually the secondary character in this guy's love life.  He either promises to visit or he wants her to visit him, but he rather keep the long distance relationship.



The Dating Site Phobe
After months of coercion from your friends to "get out there," you reluctantly sign up on the hippest new dating site, create a profile page and upload your cutest photo, all the while gripping a bottle of merlot. Swipe left, swipe right...it actually seems fun at first!
After a hot minute, an attractive man hits you up and comments on your eyes, hair or the fact that you have a cute little dog names Josh. Willing to look past his ridiculously perverse profile and the long drive, you holler back with a quick quip. You get along famously and things go from texting to sexting to questioning to disappearing.
After a few weeks, you pack up your imaginary children and wonder if this guy was married, a compulsive liar, an egomaniac or all of the above.

The Multi-Phobe
The Multi-Phobe is like the Don Juan of Commitment Phobes having a posse of women from which to choose. He is usually the one who never becomes "Facebook official." He will simply lie about why he keeps his status a secret saying, "it's silly" or "I don't want to hurt my ex's feelings." When a woman discovers that she has been involved with this type, she usually convinces herself that what they had was real and the others were simply secondary characters in their relationship. The truth is that the Multi-Phobe has a "no
 discrimination" policy and it's first come first serve.




The Instant Phobe
This guy is the one who is already mentally packing his bags right as he approaches you during last call. If we are aware, we can look back and see tiny snap shots of a faster than lightening affair off in the distance. This type of Commitment Phobe is like a bowl of sunshine. He is the one-night-stand from the bar, the guy you talked to the entire night at your best friend's wedding or the charming man you made out with in the bathroom at the club on Saturday night. Okay, so some of this was your fault.

No matter what type, walking away from the Commitment Phobe, is usually a wake up call for them.

People are individuals but are not unique?

What is the Internet?

a global computer network providing a variety of information and communication facilities, consisting of interconnected networks using standardized communication protocols.

Have a look at the internet, type something in the search engine and you will find what you are looking for. Either negative of positive, there are people before us that have put their thoughts down, expressed the same thinking as you.  Some people think that they are the only ones that think or feel in a certain way, but this is not true.

We are individuals but we are not unique.  When having a discussion with a friend, the friend is positive that he is right and you are wrong.  Go on the internet and you will find results both in favour of your friend and yourself.

For example :  Different sides to the coin, using positive punishment and negative punishment.  Neither of them is wrong. Just different ways of approaching the problem, what method would be more likely to work?

What is Positive Punishment:
Positive punishment works by presenting a negative consequence after an undesired behavior is exhibited, making the behavior less likely to happen in the future. 

What is Negative Punishment:
Negative punishment happens when a certain desired stimulus/item is removed after a particular undesired behavior is exhibited, resulting in the behavior happening less often in the future. 

Understanding what a "individual" should be ......

What is an Individual

Individual - Meaning a person who acts in the way they want to and is not bound by the sad rules of soceity, live life forifilling goals for their self-esteem. These people do not conform to the 'masses' and are therefore swarn enemy to the common Townie etc... An individual has their 'own' mind and seeks enlightenment through completing personal tasks set by themselves and are not influenced by someone elses opinion simply because they are 'popular'.  They dress how they want to dress, listen to what they want to listen to and do what they want to do and normally people respect that. An individual hates to be labeled.

People might be individuals but they are not unique as they act like sheep.

People really do act like sheep

If a ​group of people are (like) sheep, they all ​behave in the same way or all behave as they are told, and cannot or will not act individually or be individuals in the true sense of the word.

What's more unpleasant to see than the herd spirit in humans? The manipulation led to the stage when humans behave like dumb sheep. Many times you may have wondered what the hell you were doing or how the heck you had got amongst a gang of seemingly idiots.

The majority of people act like sheep, they seem not to be able to think for themselves and do what is know how to them.  They are neither individuals and they differently are not unique.  To be unique ..... is to think outside the box, think for yourself and found other answers and solutions, it might surprise you, that everything could change, become a whole lot better.

Thinking outside the box

Meaning - Think creatively, unimpeded by orthodox or conventional constraints.

'Think outside the box' originated in the USA in the late 1960s/early 1970s.

"We must step back and see if the solutions to our problems lie outside the box."

The 'box', with its implication of rigidity and squareness, symbolises constrained and unimaginative thinking. This is in contrast to the open and unrestricted 'out of the box' or 'blue-sky' thinking. 

The encouragement to look for solutions from outside our usual thinking patterns was championed in the UK by Edward De Bono, the psychologist and inventor, who coined the term Lateral Thinking in 1967 and went on to develop it as a method of structured creativity.

Thinking outside the box would mean that you cast off the atmosphere that envelops you, step out of the box, leave all your experiences, mindsets and attitudes behind and start to view things from a completely different perspective: outside of the box; unfiltered, unbiased, open for suggestions, willing to empathize with others opinions, but also ready to swim against the flood and to think what no one else has ever thought of. It also means that you leave everything behind you thought you would know, everything that was thought to you in school and start to approach specific situations and problems from a completely different point of view than you did before.

Thinking outside the box, makes the difference between successful people and unsuccessful people!

Be Unique!!!

Successful People And Unsuccessful People
There is always a clear cut difference between the successful and the unsuccessful. The difference in habits and decisions give birth to what is either being talked about or what is not. Adjusting and aligning your thoughts with successful people will start to have a profound effect on how people see you. It will also help in understanding the daily habits that successful people use to fine tune their values and standards.

To define the actions of successful people, John Paul De Joria, the billionaire behind brand names such as Paul Michell hair products and Patron tequila, explains what a ‘successful’ person is: “Successful people do all the things that unsuccessful people don’t want to do.”

Success has elements attached to it from hard work, determination and perseverance. It goes beyond the desire to be successful and reaches in to taking action to make a difference. 
To think outside the box!

A Promise of Success
by Michael Sage

Ones potential is so huge, and so vast,
Yet, why is it, that so many fail, and usually come last?,
So few truly succeed, that when they do, others are jealous and totally aghast,
Let’s all believe in success, and I promise that failure will be part of the past.

The things you think, and the things you believe,
If they are true, then those are the things that you will achieve,
But if your thoughts are false, or they are used to deceive,
You’ll be stabbed in the back, and that is a promise that you had better believe.

Get rid of depression, worry and fear,
Because success is so often so very, very near,
Tell your subconscious , “success is mine”, and tell it to hear,
Remind it often, then success will be yours, that is a promise, my dear.

Just ask the “DIVINE”, for whatever you desire,
For happiness or abundance, or anything else to which you aspire,
It’s now time to succeed, so go ahead, set your goals, and light that fire,
Do it with passion, and I promise you this, you’ll soar higher and higher.

Problems with Commitments? Being in a relationship ?scared of being single forever? Fear of marriage?

Commitment -  there are several different types of commitment phobias

Commitment Phobia

Anuptaphobia 

Gamophobia

Commitment phobia - is a very painful experience both for the one who engages in the pattern and for those who are involved with that person. Usually the art of pushing and pulling and seduction are the domain of the commitment “phobe.” The answer dwells deeply in the family of origin survival patterns.

The Causes of Commitment Phobia

The causes of commitment phobia varies.  People with commitment issues have complained about poor romantic relationships, wither first-hand or through observing their parents.

Other common causes of commitment phobia may include:

• Fear of, or having had, the relationship end without notice or signs
• Fear of not being in the “right” relationship
• Fear of, or having been in, an unhealthy relationship (characterized by abandonment, infidelity, abuse, etc.)
• Trust issues because of past hurts by those close to the person
• Childhood trauma or abuse
• Unmet childhood needs or attachment issues
• Complicated family dynamics while growing up

True commitment phobia is fear of any kind of commitment that involves other people, not just relationship commitment. It can involve difficulties making important decisions in all areas of life but folks with commitment phobia need not be afraid of committing to things that do not involve other people. They may have no problem buying a house or a car or getting a dog. Their fear usually is connected with making a promise to another person.

Falling in love with a person with commitment phobia can be a nightmare. Watch out for signs of commitment phobia before you find yourself hopelessly in love with someone who is not capable of having a relationship. A person with commitment phobia need not display every one of the following symptoms but the more symptoms he or she displays the more likely it is that he or she suffers from the condition.

1. Their past relationships are all short and/or very noncommittal
If your beau has never been married and has had a series of short relationships despite not being all that young, then he or she probably is not likely to commit to a long term relationship in the future either. It’s also a red flag if your romantic encounter has had long relationships but these relationships didn’t involve any serious commitment on his or her part.

2. They are not willing to commit to dates or nights out weeks in advance
Making plans for the future that are not strictly required is a major cause of fear for someone who suffers from commitment phobia. He or she will prefer to make same-day plans or commit only a few days in advance.

3. They are not letting you know whether they are attending your party
Just as a person with commitment phobia will be afraid of agreeing to dates several days or week in advance, he or she will also have difficulties saying "yes" to a party or meeting, unless this is strictly required of them. They may say that they might come to your party or even that they probably will be there. But they will prefer not to say with certainty that they can make it.

4. They use a lot of modifiers when speaking
If you listen carefully, you will hear them use ‘probably’, ‘maybe’, ‘probably not’, ‘I might’, ‘I might not’ and the like much more than other people. If asked when they will be home from work, they won’t say they will be home by 5. Instead they will say that they probably will be home by 5.

5. They are sexually active, perhaps even promiscuous
People with commitment phobia have a need for intimacy like everyone else. But their need is not getting met by being close to another human being. To compensate for this, they may be very sexually active, sometimes bordering promiscuous.

6. Most of their relationships are undefined
If you are in a relationship with a person with commitment phobia, you most likely will not have had any significant conversations with him or her about your relationship. You may find yourself not knowing what kind of relationship you have, despite having been with him or her for several years.

7. They don't say the L-word
People with commitment phobia have difficulties expressing their feelings. They may even be afraid of having feelings. So they are not likely to say that they love you and also mean it

8. They don't like to use the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend"
If your love interest is very commitment phobic, even the relatively innocent words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" will signify more commitment than they are capable of. They may simply avoid talking about the status of your relationship, or they may offer some lame excuse for why they don't want to use these labels.

9. They don't have a whole lot of close friends
They may know a lot of people. They may even call them friends. But they don't have many really close buddies. There is most likely no one in their life they can talk to about everything.

10. They are unpredictable
You never know quite how your love interest will behave or what kind of mood they will be in. One day they may be really sweet and seem almost normal and the next day they may avoid you altogether. Their behavior never ceases to surprise you.

Anuptaphobia - The fear of being or staying single. You know, like, forever.  Medically defined as “a morbid fear of staying or remaining single,” Anuptaphobia is not your run-of-the-mill phobia, and it’s safe to say we’re living through an epidemic.

The Causes of Anuptaphobia

An entire generation has succumbed to the condition and the symptoms have been running rampant through cities and rural towns alike. Accomplished women and men have been falling one by one to this recently named phobia and even the strong aren’t safe.

Specialists have confirmed that this condition is part of a social phobia that can be traced back to a triggering event from childhood or a traumatic incident. It’s a psychological condition brought on by numerous factors, yet I think it’s safe to say we’ve contaminated our own water.

A generation bathed in social media, we’ve created a culture that doesn’t support relationships, yet still holds the antiquated expectations of marriage. We’re living in our parents’ past, but are redefining a new dating future. We can’t feel whole without another person, but also don’t know how to be together.

Women and men, but especially women, are self-diagnosing themselves as they lie in their empty beds, their right fingers stiff and gnawed from swiping, their eyes shot from too many seasons of “How I Met Your Mother.” Capable and smart singles are walking around as empty shells, feeling worthless and defeated.

The worst part about the condition is that men and women waste their lives letting it control them. They live quietly under its reign, refusing to believe they they can have happy lives without it.

They can’t see that they can be happy alone, that marriage isn’t something they should worry about. They are hindered by the phobia that this single status will be there forever.

You have this disease, but this disease doesn’t have to control you. But before you can treat yourself in bouts of therapy, you must first properly diagnose yourself.
Staying in relationships that don’t work

You have a tendency to try and push things that should be left alone. You go for men and women not because they’re right, but because they’re there. You settle for relationships and people because you’d rather settle now than strive for something later.

You are so deathly terrified of being on your own that you’ll stay with someone you don’t even like.
Obsessively thinking about marriage, love and future

Your mind is constantly preoccupied with antiquated notions of “the perfect life” and “happily ever after” that you don’t even see how good your real life is. You obsess over things beyond your control, creating delusions and fantasies of a life even cartoons don’t properly achieve.

You forget to look around you and enjoy the moments because you’re constantly obsessing over the wrong ones. Your future husband or wife is never going to find you if you’re too busy creating fake ones.
Feelings of inadequacy

You feel painfully incomplete. You feel as if you’re walking around with a gaping wound, the other half of you missing. You are not completely present when people talk to you because you feel you have nothing good to offer.

You created paranoid delusions in your head. You think that because you are single, you are worthless.

Because you are alone, you have nothing to offer. Yet what you don’t realize is your inadequacy is all in your head. People in relationships look at you in awe of your single status, and if you just started to appreciate it the way others envied it, you’d see how great it is to be alive and just living for yourself.
Inability to spend time alone

You get worked up when you are by yourself for too long. You never understood the idea of enjoying your own company and would rather die before living in an apartment by yourself. You fill your company with friends you don’t even like and have sex that’s so bad it should be illegal.

You don’t want to get used to your own company because you never want to have to rely on it. You figure that if you avoid ever getting to the point at which you enjoy spending time alone, you’ll never have to fall back on it.
Overanalyzing absolutely everything

Whether it’s a text, a chance encounter or a situation that doesn’t even involve you, you have a tendency to overanalyze the sh*t out of it. Down to the single letter, you look for ways to take the tiniest thing and turn it into something it’s not.

You spend minutes, days and weeks overanalyzing strings of words that usually are as empty as the person sending them.

Gamophobia - Fear of Commitment Phobia – Gamophobia. Gamophobia is the fear of commitment, though it can also be the excessive, persistent, uncontrollable and irrational fear of marriage. It is derived from the Greek word Gamos which means marriage and phobos meaning fear

The Causes of Gamophobia

One main reason for fearing marriage is individual observation. An individual can very much observe negative aspects in his or her parent’s marriage that can include abuse or physical violence.

Such experience can turn very obsessive. It can become thought consuming & all negative facets of a marriage can build up into a picture that suggests that marriages are not a good thing.

So, even if you want to get married, the negative thoughts about it are so overwhelming that you develop gamophobia.

While some aspects suggest that marriage can remain good the phobic response forces one to stay away from marriage for good. Gamophobia causes internal conflict & problems that can remain for a lifetime.

Symptoms of Gamophobia

The list of signs and symptoms mentioned in various sources for Gamophobia includes the 9 symptoms listed below:

Irrational fear
Feeling of panic
Feeling of terror
Feeling of dread
Rapid heartbeat
Shortness of breath
Trembling

Gamophobia Treatment

A number of effective treatments can help gamophobes overcome their fears. But, gaining awareness about the healthy sides of a marriage through proper gamophobia treatment plays an important role in reducing anxiety about marriage.

Taking help of a professional therapist can give you a good insight & understanding about yourself and exploring the reasons that keep you from tying the knot.

The fear often has underlying reasons it requires an experienced therapist to identify the root cause. This will let you to make out why you had false assumptions about marriage and real picture of what a marriage really is.

The past is the past

This is a wonderful poem.  How many of us fail to let go of the past?  Learning to let go is very difficult.  Making mistakes in life is how we learn. Being scared to make the same mistakes prevents us from living our lives.  If things had been dealt with differently in the past, perhaps we would not be calling them mistakes.  So now we have the opportunity of doing things differently, without the fear that it will end up as the same mistakes.  Then we have to change our mind-sets and handle everything differently, like we did not do before.  Give it a proper chance; be more understanding and more relaxed.  The first time it was wrong, the second time, as we have learned, will not be....................

That is where it is supposed to stay

But some cannot let it go

In their head it eats away

Until all their focus becomes

The person that they used to be

The mistakes they made in their life

Oh if only they could see

That you cannot change what happened 

No matter how hard you try

No matter how much you think about it

No matter how much you cry

What happens in your lifetime 

Happens for reasons unknown 

So you have to let the cards unfold 

Let your story be shown

Don't get wrapped up in the negative

Be happy with what you have been given

Live for today not tomorrow

Get up, get out and start living

The past is the past for a reason

It's been and now it is gone

So stop trying to think of ways to fix it

Whats done is done. 

Daniella Ramirez

Everything happens for a reason

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out whom you are or who you want to become.  You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, teacher, fraternal brother or sister, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know that at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason.  Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight flat road to nowhere.  It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become.  Even the bad experiences can be learned from.  In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to when you open your heart.  If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things. Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen.  Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to.  Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.  You can make your life anything you wish.  Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.  Most importantly, if you love someone tell them, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store.  And finally, enjoy looking forward to learning a new lesson each day and enjoying the journey.

Know oneself, how we see ourselves

To make it in this world we have to understand how others think of us.  Clearly the easiest is how we see ourselves.

I don't care what others think of me, well this is what I tell myself all the time.  I know others have this same feeling, but we do want to fit into society.  Social anxiety occurs when we feel that we are threatened by exclusion, feeling that we're not accepted by a group leaves us agitated and depressed.

The ability to see how people connect to us usually helps us connect with others and get the deep satisfaction that comes with the ties.  Would it be nice to be a fly on the wall, to hear how people pick us apart after meeting us or interacting with us.  But lucky for us we can't.  We are left with the idea how others think of us. This is called "metaperceptions"

Metaperception also known as the looking-glass self, a social psychological concept, created by Charles Horton Cooley.

"I am not what I think I am and I am not what you think I am; I am what I think that you think I am."

Self-concept is based on your own beliefs about who your are.  Your ideas about what others think on hinged on your self-concept.  the self-concept filters the cues that you get from others.

Our self is shaped by one person in particular, our mother.  Our mothers play a very important part in our lives.  How our mother responded to our first cries weigh heavily on how we expect to be seen by other.  Children behave in ways that reflect on what they have experienced.  A child who had an unresponsive mother will act obnoxious or withdrawn so people will keep their distance.  Children with responsive mother will be confident and connect well with their peers.

An infant scans his mother's face to absorb clues to who he is, as an adult he will search for reflections in others' eyes.  The parent bond does take a bit to alter self-concept forged in childhood, wither good or bad.  People rely on others' impressions to nurture their views about themselves, says William Swann, professor of psychology at the University of Texas, Austin. His research shows that people with negative self-concepts goad others to evaluate them harshly, especially if they suspect the person likes them—they would rather be right than be admired.

We have a fairly stable view of ourselves, and we expect other people to see that same view.

Each person has an idiosyncratic way of summing up other, its based on our own self-concept. Each person you will meet will sum you up will lead to misconception from other peoples point of views.  Some people are "likers" and will think that everyone they meet is good. If a person does not like you, it is not always apparent.  People are not not direct in their everyday interactions.  How many interactions have you had thinking that you where a hit while your new friend is faking agreeability?

Your curiosity will help you learn new things and about yourself, if you are open to new experience.  You will then be inclined to ask people how you are doing on these new adventures and you will get a clearer idea how you come off to others.

People with the physical awareness have a keen sense on how they present themselves.  Be concerned with voice, posture, clothes and walk, you will control the impression you give others and your self-perception will be more accurate.  If you slouch your bad posture will register in the mind of those who meet you, without you knowing this.

If you crave approval you general will make a positive impression on other people.

People who have learned to regulate their emotions are in a much better position to know what others think of them.  They are able to detect emotions on others' faces and to feel empathy.

If you are unable to express your feelings it becomes difficult to interpret others responses to you.  Learn to control your feelings and calm yourself will help you get a better grip on your own and others state of mind.

The personalities that feed the accuracy of their metaperception are handsomely rewarded. They are able to fare better in society.

Some people prevent themselves from getting feed back from others.  This does not help them with the feed back on how they came off with others.  Maybe its a reaction to a bad evaluation and you burst out crying.  People will be inclined to leave you alone.

Some demeanor will make people lie to you. By protecting a fragility that will make people to be open and honest.

Narcissism blocks metaperception. Instead of wincing, as "normal" subjects do, when forced to see themselves onscreen, narcissists become even more self-biased.

Perhaps the delicate balance between feeling good about yourself and knowing exactly how you come off is best maintained not by all those elusive "others." Maybe it's maintained by your most significant ones, the people who will keep you in line but appreciate you for who you are, not just for the impressions you leave behind.

                                 Myself

by Edgar A. Guest

I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able as days go by,
To look at myself straight in the eye.
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.

I don't want to hide on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
What kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself in sham.

I want to go with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect
And in this struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I am a bluster and empty show.

I cannot hide myself from me;
I can see what others can never see;
I know what others can never know,
I cannot fool myself, and so

Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.