Showing posts with label judgement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label judgement. Show all posts

Tuesday, 1 March 2016

Woman do really need men in their lives!!

Contrary to my previous blog, do we need men? yes we do!!  If man was to disappear from earth, women would do remarkable well without having a male in their lives.  In many instances the woman has to do without a male, in any case.  In the case of divorce; being unmarried with children, and being a widow.

Women have a love-hate relationship with their single status. They love the freedom, flirting and no-strings-attached life that comes with flying solo, but they dislike the absence of the comfort, constancy and companionship of the other half.

Men, generally speaking, tend to look for a mate to satisfy a sexual and an emotional need. Women have less urgency in getting these particular needs met from a man; Of course women want and need it also. Women's selection priorities are more to do with the male partner's ability to physically provide and protect her and their children.

Poems  , Women vs Men:
Generally, men’s needs have not changed, and men seem just as dependent upon women for sex and emotional nourishment as ever. But these days women don’t have as much need for protection and provision 

Given that women generally can support themselves in our modern society, why exactly do they need men? 

Men and women are just as desperate, confused, lonely and needy as each other.  Women and men need each other equally. However, women need not show how much they need men.  Women need to know how much they are needed by the men, and the men must let them know that they need them in their time of need.

Love - we need the love that comes from a man. Our father figures had a large role to play in this; we usually look for a man who is very similar to our own father. With the love of a man we can conquer anything. A man makes us feel safe, powerful and wanted, amongst many other things. Love is everything

Protect - We need men to protect us from the evil beings out in the world as well as the unknown we can't see, but, men can. We need them to be our eyes and ears when we are naive to experiences.
Provide- Men are natural providers and regardless of how much money a woman makes, where you may fail, man is more than willing to provide. It would be his pleasure. There are some tasks that women just cannot do without a man. Let him provide. 

Love-Making - Using a vibrator or the hand will never make a woman feel like a man can.  The touch of his hands, the feel of his body.  To hear him breath and feel his heartbeat. Sex between two people that really love each other is something so wonderful, sex will only get better with time, as each partners learns the likes and dislikes of each other.
 
Companionship - Having tons of friends is never the same thing as having your man, who is your best friend in the world also.  You one you can watch movies, play cards, read, exercise, cook, wash dishes or just simply hold hands and look at the beautiful sunset together. Treasuring the silence and knowing he is always there for you and of cause ....... you are always there for him too.
 
Confidant - We confide in our man only and we trust only him.  All our deepest emotions we share with him. He is the only one we are intimate with, and he is compassionate and understanding. Our man will be our confidant and he will never use it as ammunition to hurt us.
 
Guidance/ Leadership - Where one is strong the other can be weak; our man can be strong when we are weak.  When our man is weak, we will be strong for him.  We will have each other’s back.  We need guidance in our lives ....Our man will be there to provide this. Were ever our man leads, we shall follow!
   
Emotional Stability - Women are extremely emotional and more than often their decisions are driven by emotions and that can lead to making bad decisions. Men are not driven by emotions, more so, logic and rationale. They will assist us in maintaining our balance and behaving more rational. 
 
Pro-Creation - We all know women can adopt or have the procedure called In Vitro Fertilization, but guess what, surrounding those situations is a man. We need men to impregnate or donate sperm if you will, so that we can bare off-springs, and leave our legacy behind. 

Completion - Women don't need men to complete them, although they may be financially well off, mentally stable, or spiritually connected, women need men to connect the last chain. Women need men to complement their completeness.  Women are single and alone until man compliments their completeness. Compliments her in her cycle of life, birth, child, teen, woman, spiritual soul mate, marriage or just a lifetime together.... Many women are spiritually complete without a man, but what better way to share the wholeness other than with the man you love and deserve to have.

My father and mother had a wonderful relationship, I only wish that I am that lucky that one day I will have what they had.  Many of the family values are disappearing, but many still hold on to them.

 

When a Woman Loves a Man

David Lehman, 1948

When she says margarita she means daiquiri.
When she says quixotic she means mercurial.
And when she says, “I’ll never speak to you again,"
she means, “Put your arms around me from behind
as I stand disconsolate at the window.”

He’s supposed to know that.

When a man loves a woman he is in New York and she is in
     Virginia
or he is in Boston, writing, and she is in New York, reading,
or she is wearing a sweater and sunglasses in Balboa Park and he
     is raking leaves in Ithaca
or he is driving to East Hampton and she is standing disconsolate
at the window overlooking the bay
where a regatta of many-colored sails is going on
while he is stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway.

When a woman loves a man it is one ten in the morning
she is asleep he is watching the ball scores and eating pretzels
drinking lemonade
and two hours later he wakes up and staggers into bed
where she remains asleep and very warm.

When she says tomorrow she means in three or four weeks.
When she says, “We’re talking about me now,"
he stops talking. Her best friend comes over and says,
“Did somebody die?”

When a woman loves a man, they have gone
to swim naked in the stream
on a glorious July day
with the sound of the waterfall like a chuckle
of water rushing over smooth rocks,
and there is nothing alien in the universe.

Ripe apples fall about them.
What else can they do but eat?

When he says, “Ours is a transitional era,"
“that’s very original of you," she replies,
dry as the martini he is sipping.

They fight all the time
It’s fun
What do I owe you?
Let’s start with an apology
Ok, I’m sorry, you dickhead.
A sign is held up saying “Laughter.”
It’s a silent picture.
“I’ve been fucked without a kiss," she says,
“and you can quote me on that,"
which sounds great in an English accent.

One year they broke up seven times and threatened to do it
     another nine times.

When a woman loves a man, she wants him to meet her at the
     airport in a foreign country with a jeep.
When a man loves a woman he’s there. He doesn’t complain that
     she’s two hours late
and there’s nothing in the refrigerator.

When a woman loves a man, she wants to stay awake.
She’s like a child crying
at nightfall because she didn’t want the day to end.

When a man loves a woman, he watches her sleep, thinking:
as midnight to the moon is sleep to the beloved.
A thousand fireflies wink at him.
The frogs sound like the string section
of the orchestra warming up.
The stars dangle down like earrings the shape of grapes.

Saturday, 27 February 2016

Problems with Commitments? Being in a relationship ?scared of being single forever? Fear of marriage?

Commitment -  there are several different types of commitment phobias

Commitment Phobia
Anuptaphobia 
Gamophobia


Commitment phobia - is a very painful experience both for the one who engages in the pattern and for those who are involved with that person. Usually the art of pushing and pulling and seduction are the domain of the commitment “phobe.” The answer dwells deeply in the family of origin survival patterns.


The Causes of Commitment Phobia

The causes of commitment phobia varies.  People with commitment issues have complained about poor romantic relationships, wither first-hand or through observing their parents.
Other common causes of commitment phobia may include:

  • Fear of, or having had, the relationship end without notice or signs
  • Fear of not being in the “right” relationship
  • Fear of, or having been in, an unhealthy relationship (characterized by abandonment, infidelity, abuse, etc.)
  • Trust issues because of past hurts by those close to the person
  • Childhood trauma or abuse
  • Unmet childhood needs or attachment issues
  • Complicated family dynamics while growing up

True commitment phobia is fear of any kind of commitment that involves other people, not just relationship commitment. It can involve difficulties making important decisions in all areas of life but folks with commitment phobia need not be afraid of committing to things that do not involve other people. They may have no problem buying a house or a car or getting a dog. Their fear usually is connected with making a promise to another person.

Falling in love with a person with commitment phobia can be a nightmare. Watch out for signs of commitment phobia before you find yourself hopelessly in love with someone who is not capable of having a relationship. A person with commitment phobia need not display every one of the following symptoms but the more symptoms he or she displays the more likely it is that he or she suffers from the condition.

1. Their past relationships are all short and/or very noncommittal
If your beau has never been married and has had a series of short relationships despite not being all that young, then he or she probably is not likely to commit to a long term relationship in the future either. It’s also a red flag if your romantic encounter has had long relationships but these relationships didn’t involve any serious commitment on his or her part.

2. They are not willing to commit to dates or nights out weeks in advance
Making plans for the future that are not strictly required is a major cause of fear for someone who suffers from commitment phobia. He or she will prefer to make same-day plans or commit only a few days in advance.

3. They are not letting you know whether they are attending your party
Just as a person with commitment phobia will be afraid of agreeing to dates several days or week in advance, he or she will also have difficulties saying "yes" to a party or meeting, unless this is strictly required of them. They may say that they might come to your party or even that they probably will be there. But they will prefer not to say with certainty that they can make it.

4. They use a lot of modifiers when speaking
If you listen carefully, you will hear them use ‘probably’, ‘maybe’, ‘probably not’, ‘I might’, ‘I might not’ and the like much more than other people. If asked when they will be home from work, they won’t say they will be home by 5. Instead they will say that they probably will be home by 5.

5. They are sexually active, perhaps even promiscuous
People with commitment phobia have a need for intimacy like everyone else. But their need is not getting met by being close to another human being. To compensate for this, they may be very sexually active, sometimes bordering promiscuous.

6. Most of their relationships are undefined
If you are in a relationship with a person with commitment phobia, you most likely will not have had any significant conversations with him or her about your relationship. You may find yourself not knowing what kind of relationship you have, despite having been with him or her for several years.

7. They don't say the L-word
People with commitment phobia have difficulties expressing their feelings. They may even be afraid of having feelings. So they are not likely to say that they love you and also mean it

8. They don't like to use the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend"
If your love interest is very commitment phobic, even the relatively innocent words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" will signify more commitment than they are capable of. They may simply avoid talking about the status of your relationship, or they may offer some lame excuse for why they don't want to use these labels.

9. They don't have a whole lot of close friends
They may know a lot of people. They may even call them friends. But they don't have many really close buddies. There is most likely no one in their life they can talk to about everything.

10. They are unpredictable
You never know quite how your love interest will behave or what kind of mood they will be in. One day they may be really sweet and seem almost normal and the next day they may avoid you altogether. Their behavior never ceases to surprise you.



Anuptaphobia - The fear of being or staying single. You know, like, forever.  Medically defined as “a morbid fear of staying or remaining single,” Anuptaphobia is not your run-of-the-mill phobia, and it’s safe to say we’re living through an epidemic.

The Causes of Anuptaphobia

An entire generation has succumbed to the condition and the symptoms have been running rampant through cities and rural towns alike. Accomplished women and men have been falling one by one to this recently named phobia and even the strong aren’t safe.

Specialists have confirmed that this condition is part of a social phobia that can be traced back to a triggering event from childhood or a traumatic incident. It’s a psychological condition brought on by numerous factors, yet I think it’s safe to say we’ve contaminated our own water.

A generation bathed in social media, we’ve created a culture that doesn’t support relationships, yet still holds the antiquated expectations of marriage. We’re living in our parents’ past, but are redefining a new dating future. We can’t feel whole without another person, but also don’t know how to be together.

Women and men, but especially women, are self-diagnosing themselves as they lie in their empty beds, their right fingers stiff and gnawed from swiping, their eyes shot from too many seasons of “How I Met Your Mother.” Capable and smart singles are walking around as empty shells, feeling worthless and defeated.

The worst part about the condition is that men and women waste their lives letting it control them. They live quietly under its reign, refusing to believe they they can have happy lives without it.

They can’t see that they can be happy alone, that marriage isn’t something they should worry about. They are hindered by the phobia that this single status will be there forever.

You have this disease, but this disease doesn’t have to control you. But before you can treat yourself in bouts of therapy, you must first properly diagnose yourself.
Staying in relationships that don’t work

You have a tendency to try and push things that should be left alone. You go for men and women not because they’re right, but because they’re there. You settle for relationships and people because you’d rather settle now than strive for something later.

You are so deathly terrified of being on your own that you’ll stay with someone you don’t even like.
Obsessively thinking about marriage, love and future

Your mind is constantly preoccupied with antiquated notions of “the perfect life” and “happily ever after” that you don’t even see how good your real life is. You obsess over things beyond your control, creating delusions and fantasies of a life even cartoons don’t properly achieve.

You forget to look around you and enjoy the moments because you’re constantly obsessing over the wrong ones. Your future husband or wife is never going to find you if you’re too busy creating fake ones.
Feelings of inadequacy

You feel painfully incomplete. You feel as if you’re walking around with a gaping wound, the other half of you missing. You are not completely present when people talk to you because you feel you have nothing good to offer.

You created paranoid delusions in your head. You think that because you are single, you are worthless.

Because you are alone, you have nothing to offer. Yet what you don’t realize is your inadequacy is all in your head. People in relationships look at you in awe of your single status, and if you just started to appreciate it the way others envied it, you’d see how great it is to be alive and just living for yourself.
Inability to spend time alone

You get worked up when you are by yourself for too long. You never understood the idea of enjoying your own company and would rather die before living in an apartment by yourself. You fill your company with friends you don’t even like and have sex that’s so bad it should be illegal.

You don’t want to get used to your own company because you never want to have to rely on it. You figure that if you avoid ever getting to the point at which you enjoy spending time alone, you’ll never have to fall back on it.
Overanalyzing absolutely everything

Whether it’s a text, a chance encounter or a situation that doesn’t even involve you, you have a tendency to overanalyze the sh*t out of it. Down to the single letter, you look for ways to take the tiniest thing and turn it into something it’s not.

You spend minutes, days and weeks overanalyzing strings of words that usually are as empty as the person sending them.

Gamophobia - Fear of Commitment Phobia – GamophobiaGamophobia is the fear of commitment, though it can also be the excessive, persistent, uncontrollable and irrational fear of marriage. It is derived from the Greek word Gamos which means marriage and phobos meaning fear

The Causes of Gamophobia

One main reason for fearing marriage is individual observation. An individual can very much observe negative aspects in his or her parent’s marriage that can include abuse or physical violence.

Such experience can turn very obsessive. It can become thought consuming & all negative facets of a marriage can build up into a picture that suggests that marriages are not a good thing.

So, even if you want to get married, the negative thoughts about it are so overwhelming that you develop gamophobia.

While some aspects suggest that marriage can remain good the phobic response forces one to stay away from marriage for good. Gamophobia causes internal conflict & problems that can remain for a lifetime.

Symptoms of Gamophobia

The list of signs and symptoms mentioned in various sources for Gamophobia includes the 9 symptoms listed below:

Irrational fear
Feeling of panic
Feeling of terror
Feeling of dread
Rapid heartbeat
Shortness of breath
Trembling

Gamophobia Treatment

A number of effective treatments can help gamophobes overcome their fears. But, gaining awareness about the healthy sides of a marriage through proper gamophobia treatment plays an important role in reducing anxiety about marriage.

Taking help of a professional therapist can give you a good insight & understanding about yourself and exploring the reasons that keep you from tying the knot.


The fear often has underlying reasons it requires an experienced therapist to identify the root cause. This will let you to make out why you had false assumptions about marriage and real picture of what a marriage really is.

Friday, 12 February 2016

Givers and Takers

I know a writer of a blog, he did this subject recently.  He says he is a giver.  I have know this person for a while and I am not so sure that I would say that he is a giver.  Nether the less he is a very good writer and I really enjoy all his blogs, even though I don't agree with all of them. He blogs get me thinking, and his blog "Givers and Takers" is no exception.  In the table bellow he has many attributes that falls under the table of a Taker.  That is his problem.  Please don't get me wrong, he is still an amazing person in my eyes.  I guess when one cares for another, one takes the bad with the good.  Oh he has blacklisted me, lol!!

There are Two kinds of people in this world, the Givers and the Takers

How can one tell the difference between Givers and Takers

Givers
Takers
Why shouldn't I help?
Why should I help?
Don't question motivations
Ask "I wonder what they want?"
Ask, "How will this benefit others?"
Ask, "What's in it for me?"
Releasing
Controlling
Finds power and peace
in spiritual wisdom
Finds power and peace in externals and things
Willing to be servants
Must be "lords"
Follows the flow with insight
Appears "In control"
Rolls with the punches
Easily overwhelmed
Love unconditionally
"Love" conditionally
High capacity for pain
Low capacity for pain
Bear pain silently and with patience
Whiners
Seldom call attention to themselves
Braggarts
Live confidently, day by day
There's "always something..." to worry about
May be left "holding the bag"
"Squeaky Clean"
Pick up after themselves
Leave damage and behind in them
Sharers
Collectors
What can I do for them?
What's in it for me?
Invest in people
Invest in selves
Willing to give virtually unlimited resources
In need of virtually unlimited
attention and support
Dependable
Dependent
No time table
Time, schedules closely monitored
Flexible, open to sudden changes
"Too busy"
No expectation of return
Tit-for-tat
Simply give for the joy of it
Pre-occupied with facade of "gratitude"
Help people change their own lives
Change people's lives for their own ends
Committed to others
Committed to self
Support
Undermine
Energize
Drain energies
Seek opportunities
Seek personal comfort
Constructively critical
Judgmentally critical
Do for themselves and others
Do for themselves only what others won't do for them
Doesn't "use" others to a fault
Manipulative
Releasing
Controlling
Agenda is announced, overt, and
open to scrutiny
Cleverly hidden agenda
Trusting of leaders
Distrust any and all leaders
Help unconditionally
Help given until angered
Trusting, able to give the benefit
of a doubt
Suspicious, untrusting
Concerned with the essential
and important
Perfectionistic and controlling
Defensive/Supporting
Offensive/Attacking
Can face and work through pain
Fear of pain and suffering
Listeners
Needy talkers
Flexible
Live by schedules
Share comfort, confidence
Share discomfort, fear
Gospel-Driven
Legalistic
On spiritual pilgrimage
Resist spiritual transformation
Worships God by giving life as a living sacrifice to God
Worships God according to their own set procedure, schedules, and manner
Forgive, forget, and come back supportive
Don't forgive unless they have to
Spontaneous, fun-loving
Rigid, rule-enforcer
Willing to "break the rules" to show compassion
Live, fight and die by "principles" and "rights"
Willingly give up their own agenda for others
Will stop at nothing to get their way
Focus on becoming transformed for God's purposes
Focus on conforming others to themselves
Concerned with the important
Concerned with the urgent
Willing to pay the price for others' well-being
Make others pay the price for their desires, needs, wants
Permeable boundaries
Impermeable, rigid boundaries
Doers
Whiners
Proactive
Reactive
They come, assist, and when done, leave no
"silver bullet" behind
"Humbly" seek "deserved" attention, affection, reward and recognition for efforts
Willing to wash feet, take out trash,
do dirty work
Refuse to submit to demeaning tasks below their dignity
Focus on helping others achieve their goals
Focused on titles, position
They can be ignored as long as people aren't hurt
Always must make a point and be heard no matter what the cost
Help facilitate great healing
Cause much pain
Patient
Impatient
No shows
Overly polite, mannerly
Help when others hurt
Cause helpers hurt
Shed tears, feel deep grief when hurt
Don't talk, trust or feel
Accept responsibility for their own behaviour
Mercilessly project responsibility and blame on others
Survivors
Victims
Submit to God's will
God is Aladdin's Lamp
Reality-based
Fantasy-driven "If only..."
"Things" just aren't that important
Materialistic
People are important
My things are important
Internally driven by "grace" values
Externally driven
Welfare-of-others conscious
Status conscious
Expansive
Territorial
Not appearance conscious (e.g. weight, height, clothes, figure, hair, coordination, flashiness)
Hyper-conscious and hyper-sensitive to appearance
Attention tends to be deflected away
Draw attention to themselves by things (jewellery, cars, homes, et al)
Do all they can to protect and
uphold their neighbour's welfare
Pre-occupied with comparing
others' wealth, benefits,
possessions to their own
Generous
Covetous
Spenders
Savers
Utilize all available resources
"Squirrel" things
Maintain confidences,
appropriate communication
Gossip, innuendo, behind the back conversations are characteristic
No need for secrets
Keep secrets
Give gifts freely
Gifts have strings attached
Relationship unconditional
Relationship is conditional
Want to reach out
Don't want to get involved
Concerned
Aloof
"I'll be there if you need me"
"See ya!"
Willingly works even amid unfair treatment and conditions
Always expects "something for nothing"
Will undergo humiliation and pain to assist others
Avoid embarrassment and risk for others
Always growing
"Stuck"
Encourages others growth
Restricts others growth
Mistakes are the path to growth
Condemns, punishes mistakes
Don't need to be asked
Appreciate being asked and needed
Takes care of self and others
"Take care of me"
Sensitive and genuinely empathetic to other's pain
Insensitive to other's pain, needs
Is always there for friends, acquaintances, strangers, and even foes
Resists reciprocation of support, sacrifice
Seeks reconciliation
Seeks revenge
Seeks ways to provide help
Helpless: "I can't do it by myself!"
Goes out of their way
Just "too busy"
Performs well even under pressure
Tendency toward overwhelm
If it's not yours, respect it
"Take it and run"
Have learned the "secret" of contentment
"Make me feel good!" (food, money, attention, sex, religion, et al)
Seeks constructive, positive means to achieve goals through genuine dialogue and constructive conflict
Starts fights and perpetuates unrest but longs for "peace"
Always satisfied, but looking for new opportunities for growth
Never content, but unwilling to seek growth opportunities
Future-Oriented
Past-And-Immediate-Present Oriented
Words and promises have meanings
Words and promises can't be trusted
Keeps promises
"Intends" to keep promises
Direct
Indirect
Cooperative
Demanding
Sharing, Open
Controlling
Calls for teamwork for benefit of others
Call for "Teamwork" only for their benefit
Patient
Impatient
Mature
Immature
Sharing
Selfish
Faith is a truly permeating
heart-and-soul reality
"Faith" is a shallow external facade
Approachable
Unapproachable
Submits to God's will to be done
High/unrealistic expectations of others to do things the right (i.e. "their") way
Love-driven
Fear-driven
Release everything to God's plan
If you can't control it, kill it!
What will be will be good
What will be will be (fatalistic)
Gospel-Driven
Law-Driven