Dependence, Disappointment, Expectations, Love, unhappiness, being happy and obligation.

Today I read a blog on Dependence and Disappointment.  He is a very good author.  I enjoy his blogs.  More essentially he makes me think with his blogs, it’s not a case, how nice he has written another good blog, it sticks in my brain and it makes me start thinking of what he has written.

He mentions a “friend”, due to health reasons and being in a lot of pain, has now become reliant on others.  I guess his “friend” has become disappointed with regards to how people come to her aid. He has written about this “friend” before.   The writer has come up with a link between dependence and disappointment.  Though the writer has not come up with why his “friend” is disappointed…………..

“The more dependent you become, the more disappointments you are likely to have. After giving this "statistical" relationship some consideration, I suddenly realised what is binding them: Expectations.”

“The rationale behind this is fairly simple: the more dependent you become, the more expectations you will (need to) make and the more likely you will be disappointed.”

No disappointment, no expectations, it has nothing to do with how dependent you have become on others, expectations are only binding them, depending on what type of person one is.  The type of dependency that I am talking about is that we need people to help all the time as we no longer able to do things for ourselves anymore.  Yes then the person would need to have expectations on others to help her or him, in their time of need. A lot of people are stubborn and have a lot of pride and do not ask for help when they can’t do things for themselves anymore, they have no expectations……

Let’s sum it up; do you help people when they need help because they have expectations?  Or do you help people because it’s in your nature to do it?  Because you a kind and compassionate person?  You have great respect and love for that person and that you genuinely care?  I would like to believe that this is the case, but in this day and age when people are only becoming to think of their own needs, that come before the needs of others, more often than not, this is not the case.

Then there is another reason why we become dependent on others, we fall in love with them, and again expectation is attach to being dependent.  We have certain expectations on the people we love, and when they don’t meet these expectations we get disappointed, even hurt and we lose our trust in them.  This is emotional dependency!!

So we have the follow Dependence, Disappointment, Expectations and Love.

He also says that expectations more often than not will lead to unhappiness, which I agree with him most heartily.  Expectations of a certain type, expectations of people doing as you want them to do things, will lead to unhappiness eventually.  I have written a blog on expectations and in my opinion its best not to have any expectations and to take each day as it comes, if it happens, it will bring happiness if it does not happen it will not bring unhappiness. 

One always must remember that there are certain expectations, and yes there are normal expectation, those expectations that come with the responsibilities that one under takes, for example, your boss will have the expectation that you will be doing you work instead of filing your nails, your children will have expectations that you will supply them with a home, food and clothing. 

Then there are expectations that full out of this category, for example, my boss has expectations that I will pick up his dry cleaning that is outside the role of my job.

When our expectations are met we are happy.

Now we have the following – Dependence, Disappointment, Expectations, Love, and unhappiness and being happy.

I will bring another word into this equation and that is obligation.  The people that will help out; let’s take it first as family members.  Family member have a certain obligation to help when other members of their families need help.  I know that obligation seems a harsh word, but in this day and age, when people don’t have time for others; (even if it’s family); the word obligation is the correct word to use.  In some cases family and friends will help out because they feel compassion and because they love that person, and they are concerned about their well-being.  Friends are supposed to help each other, are they not?  Help out with no expectations that their good deeds will be reward.

We also have obligations to our children; give them a home, clothing and food.

Now we have the following - Dependence, Disappointment, Expectations, Love, unhappiness, being happy and obligation.

I will add the following, hurt, compassion, understanding, tolerance, negativity, hope, resentment, bitterness, loyalty, betray, lying, cheating, honesty, empathy, pity, being realistic, faith, trust, rejection, denial, dreams, giving, taking, listen the list is endless.........

All these word are in some way connecting with dependence.

Getting rather complicated?  Yes it is, life is not easy, and it can be easy, if only people would let it be.  People let too many emotions get in the way of their happiness.  Instead of saying to someone, you have disappointment me, how about trying to say to them, i know there must be a reason why you not met my expectations, maybe what I wanted of you, made you feel uncomfortable, or some other pressing matter came up, or simply was I was not being realistic, stop with the negativity, those people have feelings also.  It’s you that is also getting the short end of the stick by saying this, or thinking this.  Try understanding and compassion, it will change everything…………

  

I have being doing some research at have come up with the word “DREAD”.  It’s an Acronym and it means the following:

 

DREAD stands for Denial, Rejection, Expectation, Acceptance and Dependency

This definition appears very rarely and is found in the following Acronym Finder categories: Slang/chat, popular culture

One could apply it to the writers “friend”.  It’s hard to be independent for so long and then have to become dependent (dependency) on others for “help”, regardless whither its family, friends or even strangers.  For a lot of us, it’s very hard for us to ask for help, so more often we don’t let people know when we need help.  This is a form of “denial”.  We are afraid that people will not accept (acceptance) that our lives have now changed, and for once, instead of always being the one to help others, we become the person that “needs” help.  We have no “expectations” from family, friends or even strangers, we become scared that if we ask for help, they will reject (rejection) us.   They say a true friend is, those are left standing by you, when times are rough, and they were right.

Really listen to what people are saying, your friends, your families, your lover, your wife, your husband and even strangers, really listen .......... it's important, more often one has to read in between the lines. Some times it's not what they saying ........ it's what they don't say, look into their eyes, there you will see the truth.........

Forgiveness, when we have hurt others

Recently I did something that I would never of done. I fought back and used mind games. It's against everything I was taught.

Something are just plain wrong and when you try and talk and explain the real situation and find that you are not been listened to, what does one do?

I was a victim of my situation, of my life, and he never let me forget.
He did help me through a lot of things, only I found myself becoming a victim of his, by the use of mind control. He demanded that I do certain things. I was in his control, but was I?

Everyone forgets, one has to be in a victim role first in order to become a survivor. Just be careful those who appear to want too help you, don't try and turn the situation to their own advantages so you become their next victim.

Please always remember it's your past experience what has shaped you, shaped you into the person you are today. Whither you become a better person for it,or whither you become a bitter person, the choice is entirely yours.

People must accept you as a whole package including the bad stuff,that ultimately made you into the person whom you are today. It's only with real love from the people around you that will help you deal with the pain of the past. Acceptance and belief is the greatest gift others can give you. It helps one become open to new experiences in the future. Nobody can erase their past. The past serves as a lesson for our future.

I was wrong please forgive me. I am much too blame as he is. Now the hardest part. To forgi

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

Think back to the last time somebody apologized to you about something. Did you forgive them? There is a very good chance that you did.

Now think back to the last time you harmed someone else. Have you forgiven yourself? Probably not.

We all make mistakes. Oftentimes, through our actions, somebody gets hurt
To forgive oneself is a lot harder than to forgive others.

Forgiving yourself is far more challenging than forgiving someone else because you must live with yourself and your thoughts 24/7. Despite the challenge, emotionally healthy people must have the capacity to forgive themselves when they have made a mistake.

When you forgive yourself, you are not pretending as though it never happened. On the contrary, you are acknowledging that your actions have consequences. But the consequences need not include self-inflicted negative feelings.

Not forgiving yourself is like picking at an open wound; you are only making a bad situation worse. The wound is already there, but you do have control over your reaction to it, and you can stop it from getting worse.
If you forgive yourself when you make a mistake, it’s easier to address the consequences of your action

How to Forgive Yourself Right Now

1. Accept yourself and your flaws.
Know that despite your flaws, you are okay as you are. Your flaws, rather than making you “less” of a person, are what make you who you are. What you think of as a defect actually makes you far more interesting to others.
You are not perfect. You make mistakes.
But you are also on a path of growth. Your mistakes and failures help you improve. As flawed as you may be, you must accept yourself, flaws and all, if you are to make progress in your life.

2. Remember that you are not a bad person.
You can do something wrong while still being a good person. A lot of guilt or shame can make you feel like there is something wrong with you.
Realize, right now, that there is a very big difference between doing a bad thing and being a bad person. Even when you do something that you regret, you most likely had a valid reason for doing it at the time (even if that reason doesn’t make rational sense).
You didn’t do something bad because you are a fundamentally bad person; there was an intent, or valid motivation, behind your action.

3. Talk to someone.
Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest. Talking to someone else about what is bothering you can have serious benefits.
•Another perspective. When you are upset at yourself, emotions can cloud your reasoning abilities. A friend will often point out a reason why you deserve to forgive yourself that you never would have seen.
•Social support. You always feel better when somebody else has your back. Knowing that other people are less critical of you then you are of yourself can be encouraging.
•Therapy. Professional help may be necessary or at least a good decision in some cases. If your self-hatred seems insurmountable, you might want to consider this.

4. Talk to your internal voice.
It can be useful to “personalize” your internal voice. Imagine that there is some other entity that is thinking your self-critical thoughts and have a conversation with them.
It might sound silly, but you should give this entity a name, which will reinforce the idea that this voice is separate from you.
During your “conversation” I want you to ask your internal, critical voice what its positive intention is. This voice is saying what it’s saying for a reason. It might be to protect you, to prevent you from making the same mistake again, or to help you improve in some way.
When you realize that your thoughts of guilt or shame are intended for your benefit, it becomes easier to forgive yourself. You can find another way to satisfy that positive intent while reducing your guilty feelings.

5. Do the best friend test.
Imagine your best friend had done exactly what you did and then came to you for advice. What would you tell them?
You would reassure them and tell them not to be so hard on themselves. You would tell them that everyone makes mistakes. You would tell them that they deserve to be forgiven.
Why can’t you say this to yourself?
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/learn-to-forgive-yourself-even-when-youve-hurt-someone-else/

Dating and finding that "Special One"

Dating has changed over the years.

Dating as it used to be .........

One would meet people and in the course of time, date several of them. There were different stages to a relationship ............ till finally one would meet that person one would want to spend their entire life with, taking it slow and easy, getting to know that person.........  Now its wham, bam thank you mam!!

wham bam thank you mam meaning

Referring to a one night stand or a brief sexual encounter with no strings attached.

Dating is a part of the human mating process whereby two people meet socially for companionship, beyond the level of friendship, or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by the couple. While the term has several meanings, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple.

The dating pool

A term used to categorize those individuals a person is likely or unlikely able to date, based on their own physical looks, intelligence, social class, etc. . . . 

It was the excepted thing to date who ever asked you, of course there had to be a mutual attraction.  Being young and care free, going on many dates, just enjoying life.  Until one day you meet that guy and there is something more too just dating, and the relationship goes to a different level.

Flirting or coquetry is a social and sometimes sexual activity involving verbal or written communication as well as body language by one person to another, suggesting an interest in a deeper relationship with the other person. In most cultures, it is socially disapproved for a person to make explicitly sexual advances, but indirect or suggestive advances (i.e., flirting) may at times be considered acceptable. On the other hand, some people flirt playfully, for amusement.

Flirting usually involves speaking and behaving in a way that suggests a mildly greater intimacy than the actual relationship between the parties would justify, though within the rules of social etiquette, which generally disapproves of a direct expression of sexual interest. This may be accomplished by communicating a sense of playfulness or irony. Double engenders, with one meaning more formally appropriate and another more suggestive, may be used. Body language can include flicking the hair, eye contact, brief touching, open stances, proximity etc. Verbal communication of interest can include the vocal tone, such as pace, volume, intonation. Challenges (teasing, questions, qualifying, feigned uninterested) serve to increase tension, test intention and congruity. 

Going steady

'Going steady' means to date one person exclusively, to have a romantic relationship with someone. It means dating for an extended period of time, with both parties happy to be involved, and in a loving, stable relationship. Going steady is a term used before 1980. Instead of asking a girl "do you want to go out with me", kids used to say "do you want to go steady?” Going steady is an old-fashioned way of asking someone to officially be your girlfriend or boyfriend.  It means he would like to have an exclusive relationship with you. In other words, he would like for you to see him and not date anyone else.

Moving in together

Sometimes the merge can be gradual. An emergency pair of pants and a spare toothbrush often becomes a dedicated drawer. Sleepovers and spare keys become the norm. You might feel like you are simulating a home situation but making the change from ‘back to mine’ to ‘back to ours’ is worth careful consideration.

Every couple is unique, but what stage should you be at to know you’re ready to live together? Honest communication is key. Have you shared your goals and been clear about your expectations for the future?

It’s inevitable that moving in together will change things. Bear in mind best behaviours will soon fade to reveal odd habits. Romance gives way to routine. Be vocal if you have deal breakers at this point - maybe it’s time to reduce that record collection or edit your wardrobe?

Different bases of a relationship

The different bases of a relationship which to be honest I did not know.  I always was wondering what was 2nd base etc. etc.  I had an idea what the 4th base was, lol.........

• First base = kissing, including open-mouth (French) kissing
• Second base = petting above the waist, including touching, feeling, and fondling the chest, breasts, and nipples
• Third base = petting and/or orally stimulating below the waist, including touching, feeling, and fondling the vagina, clitoris, penis, and testicles
• Home run = sexual intercourse

Courtship

Is the period in a couple's relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage, or establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind? During courtship, a couple get to know each other and decide if there will be an engagement or other such agreement. A courtship may be an informal and private matter between two people or may be a public affair, or a formal arrangement with family approval. Traditionally, in the case of a formal engagement, it has been perceived that it is the role of a male to actively "court" or "woo" a female, thus encouraging her to understand him and her receptiveness to a proposal of marriage.

What one could expect when dating........

Chivalry

What is Chivalry?

From Wikipedia:

Chivalry, or the chivalric code, is the traditional code of conduct associated with the medieval institution of knighthood. It was originally conceived of as an aristocratic warrior code — the term derives from the French term chivalry, meaning horse soldiery — involving, gallantry, and individual training and service to others. Over time its meaning has been refined to emphasize more ideals such as the knightly virtues of honour, courtly love, courtesy, and less martial aspects of the tradition.

From the Urban Dictionary:

Something that’s dead and should stay dead.

Son: Daddy, why do I have to let her go first? She’s a creep to everybody.

Dad: Because, when somebody has a certain chemical called estrogen in their body, they automatically deserve more respect than you. Its called chauvinism, I mean chivalry.

The original intent of chivalry was noble in nature, where strong men serve and protect others, including women. In modern times, including in dating, it’s a remnant of the past, a recognition that men are different from women and that a little knightly behaviour can be helpful in dating and relationships.

Today, in a society where men and women share social and economic power, some feel that chivalry is unnecessary, even unfair. And of course, people differ in opinion on what chivalry is and whether it’s required, just a nice touch, or simply stupid and pointless.

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There are 5 predictable stages that couples experience in a dating relationship. At each stage, there is often a decision (sometimes more thoughtfully arrived at than others) to move forward or to end the relationship.

Some stages take longer than others to go through and some people take much longer at each stage. Unfortunately, some people don’t fully experience and process each stage as an opportunity for personal growth or to make a healthy evaluation about the relationship or about them.

Stage 1: Initial Meeting/Attraction

Dating relationships have to start somewhere. The initial meeting may take place over the internet, through friends, in a church or social group, at a party or bar or any one of a myriad of many different places.

Different arenas for meeting allow for different opportunities to get to know each other and see if there is enough curiosity or interest to take it to the next level which would involve arranging a second or third meeting.

What do people need to know about the first stage of dating?

The purpose of stage one is to determine if there is enough chemistry, commonality and interest to warrant dating. For some people, it may take a couple of meetings to determine if they want to date a particular person. What is needed here is to come across as someone who is interesting and fun to be with.

Stage 2: Curiosity, Interest, and Infatuation

During the second stage, attraction and infatuation are most pronounced.

Early attraction often involves the physical attributes of the partner and includes things like outward appearance, body type, interests and personality traits. At this stage, the attraction may not be too “deep” and each half of a couple is generally putting his or her best foot forward. Differences are not noticed or are dismissed with thoughts like “not a big deal” or “she will change”.

Couples generally do not have much conflict at this stage of the cycle as each is really trying hard to impress the other person. Often (not always) there is not enough “is this the right person for me” but rather more “what can I do to make this person like me?”

This stage may last for 3 or 4 months depending on the individuals and their maturity, experience and self-understanding. Towards the end of this stage, and hopefully at other times throughout it, it is not unusual for questions of “is this the right person for me” to emerge. For women especially there may also be a desire to figure out where the relationship is headed.

Going slowly in making any decisions about a relationship are more likely to be better ones than moving quickly (unless it is clear that the relationship is not a good fit).

What happens after two people decide they want to spend time together in a dating context?

Stage two is the romantic stage and usually lasts for two to three months. It tends to progress as follows:

During this stage, the two of you want to spend increasingly amounts of time together.

People often describe this stage as feeling physically attracted or infatuated with the other person.  Because two people are having fun and really attracted to each other, they tend to overlook those cute idiosyncrasies of their partner in order to focus on the strong attraction and the positive feelings.

What is needed during this stage is to understand that without the infatuation stage a relationship could not move on to the next stage. So if you and your partner are on two different pages with regard to your feelings for each other, it is best for you to be patient and wait for you partner to catch up. Doing this demonstrates to your partner that you are caring, patient and supportive.

Stage 3: “Enlightenment” and Becoming a Couple

During this stage of a relationship, hormones are calming down and reality sets in. Couples often go “deeper” in their connection. Trust is stronger and more intimacies may be shared at this stage as couples take away some of their “best face” and allow themselves to act more naturally and relaxed.

Both halves of a couple will notice weaknesses and differences or flaws. “Cute” habits might become irritating at this stage. Some of those perpetual issues or differences such as free-spending or frugal, neat and orderly or sloppy and disorganized, interested in lots of time together or more involved in outside activities begin to emerge.

At this stage of the relationship, couples will take note of the differences and may even begin to complain or attempt to problem-solve.

As intimacy develops between the two people, more self-disclosure emerges, both verbally and nonverbally as couples act in ways that are more like how they are in their daily life.

This is when the big question emerges even more strongly: “Where are we headed? “ Women have a tendency to ask this question before men, even though both may be wondering about the answer to this question. Pushing for an answer; however, may cause real problems in the relationship. Each person needs to listen to their own inner voice and wisdom. It is important to talk over their thoughts and feelings with their partner while finding ways to keep from “pushing” for commitment.

There is no need to rush through this important stage and every reason to go slowly.

What comes next?

Stage three is where differences between the couple begin coming to the surface. It is also where each partner will decide for his and herself, whether to continue the relationship. During this phase:

The relationship now focuses on how the two of you work through disagreements, differences of opinions and ideas as well as different approaches to sex, communication and commitment.

It is also an opportunity to both learn and use problem-solving skills with your partner. Arguing in a relationship is not the problem. The problem arises when couples don't know or use healthy skills to resolve conflict.

Stage three is also an opportunity to build a deeper relationship with your partner as each of you recognizes that you are loved and accepted for being your true self.

This is where trust develops in a relationship.

Stage 4: Commitment or Engagement

At this stage in a relationship, couples should have a good understanding of their partner’s values, life style, and goals for the future. There should be a relationship with each other’s family and friends.

Open and honest conversations should be happening as couples plan their present and future together. Questions about children, finances, careers, future goals and lifestyle should be discussed more fully. 

Differences are normal and couples will learn about themselves and their relationship as they note how they handle these differences with each other.

This is also an important stage for couples to use to evaluate the relationship and their ability to be part of an emotionally intelligent relationship. Engagements can be broken much more easily and can clearly be a better decision than getting married and divorced.

Once partners learn to deal with their differences, how does the relationship progress?

Stage four is a when the couple learns how to be a couple and still maintain a level of independence within the relationship. For most couples, this stage begins to show up after the couple has been dating for longer than six months.

During this period, the couple begins to incorporate their previous social relationships and interests into the couple relationship. For some people the fear of their partner wanting to socialize without them, triggers feelings of insecurity, or fear of an imminent ending to the relationship.  If the partner with the insecurity does not address his or her own issues, the result may be an unintended break-up.

Stage Five: Healthy Commitment

What happens when the relationship moves on to the fifth stage?

Stage five is where the individuals are willing to make a long term commitment with one another. Having successfully completed the four previous stages, the couple has built a foundation on trust, honesty and integrity. For some, this is marriage. For others, this means being in a monogamous relationship.

Implications for Dating Relationships

All relationships have a natural progression, as evidenced by the five stages of dating. According to Lori Go slow, "the first two to three months in a new relationship are about getting to know a person enough to decide if you want to continue. Why does it take this long to decide? Partly because what we experience when we first meet is attraction. This attraction is surface-level affection otherwise known as infatuation".

Of course, not every relationship moves beyond infatuation - and infatuation doesn't last very long. Go slow, explains, "Sometime after the three-month mark, the excitement of the relationship slows just a bit. This allows us to begin to take off those rose-coloured glasses and determine if there is more to this relationship than a lot of physical attraction."

That's when a deeper connection starts to develop. Gorshow explains, "If we feel that the person we're dating shares our values, similar interests and similar views on important issues, we begin to feel a stronger connection that moves us towards wanting to be more emotionally intimate. If there isn't a connection, the couple will break-up at this point. If there is a connection, the couple will naturally move toward dating exclusively".

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Dating as it is now.......

Meet someone and having sex with them immediately, not knowing anything about them. No dating required, no looking for the ideal partner. Not giving time to found out if the sex is the only thing they have in common.

Online Dating

The practice of searching for a romantic or sexual partner on the Internet, typically via a dedicated website.

Friendships with Benefits

So, you want to embark on a casual, no-strings attached relationship? Just sex, no emotional commitment; get in, get off, get out. Having a friend with benefits is like a dream come true to most, but that doesn't mean it can't necessarily turn into a nightmare if not handled correctly.

It’s very similar to casually dating, in that you do fun things with your partner, but there is a difference between friends with benefits and dating. The FWB relationship has little to no expectations of commitment attached to it, and it always involves sex. There is not the “possibility” of sex at the end of the night – it’s assumed. Sex is a big part of being friends with benefits, but so is the fun, social aspect.

Casual Sex

Sexual activity between people who are not established sexual partners or do not know each other well.

You go out to dinner. You talk and flirt over drinks. You watch movies and take walks. Some people like to date simply for the entertainment value. Going to a party or trying out a new restaurant can be a lot more fun when you’re with someone that you think is cute and interesting, especially when there is the possibility of having sex later. Dating is often looked at as a courting process and the precursor to the committed relationship.  Some people prefer to date only one person at a time. Others prefer to date multiple people at the same time until they find the right one.

Open Relationship

This is very similar to the long term committed relationship, because it’s based on trust, connection, friendship, fun, sex and love. The big difference here is that the relationship is not monogamous. You both can casually date and have sex with other people. This is only possible if both you and your partner are good at communicating with each other and don’t have issues with trust and jealousy.

Closed Relationship
An intimate relationship where both partners are expected to refrain from engaging with other people in certain ways and instead reserve those behaviors to the existing intimate relationship. Usually, this means a sexually monogamous relationship but can also include romantic monogamy in isolation from sex, or emotional intimacy (if the relationship is neither sexual nor romantic).

Asexual Romantic Relationship

For asexuals who experience romantic love, this type of romantic relationship is the equivalent to any romantic-sexual couple relationship, except sex does not happen within it. (Most commonly, this kind of relationship happens between two asexuals but can also happen between an asexual and sexual person, if the sexual person agrees to exclude sex from the relationship.) Usually, the romantic relationship will take a primary position in the asexual person’s life and may include cohabitation, commitment, shared resources, financial interdependence, physical affection, verbal affection, romantic gestures, etc. Some asexual couples get married. The way an asexual defines their relationship as romantic depends entirely on the individual, just as their identification of “romantic” feelings versus nonromantic feelings varies on a case by case basis. Many romantic asexuals describe their experience of romantic love and partnership in terms similar to the standard romantic-sexual person’s experience (I.e. “warm, fuzzy feelings,” thinking about the other person constantly, an intensity of happiness because of the other person, a desire to spend lots of time together, a particular interest in emotional intimacy, possessiveness, etc.)

Fuck Buddies

The fuck buddy relationship is primarily based on sex with little emotional attachment. The social aspects of this are minimal. Maybe there is some sort of fun beforehand, like a drink, but it’s more of a formality that often takes place in private and is considered foreplay. Fuck buddies can involve a friendship, but it’s not necessary. You and your partner meet repeatedly with the sole purpose of having sex. The fuck buddy relationship may take place in secret because it’s not socially acceptable.

One Night Stands

There is no friendship or emotional attachment in the one night stand. It obviously lasts only one night with no intention of ever seeing each other again. It’s based purely on sex with a stranger. One night stands can be enjoyable and rewarding, but only if both people know what they are getting into.

Living Together

Many people imagine that living together before marriage resembles taking a car for a test drive. The "trial period" gives people a chance to discover whether they are compatible. This analogy seems so compelling that people are unable to interpret the mountains of data to the contrary.

Here's the problem with the car analogy: the car doesn't have hurt feelings if the driver dumps it back at the used car lot and decides not to buy it. The analogy works great if you picture yourself as the driver. It stinks if you picture yourself as the car.

The contract or consent approach doesn't really help much either. Living together is fine as long as both people agree to it. The agreement amounts to this: "I am willing to let you use me as if I were a commodity, as long as you allow me to treat you as if you were a commodity." But this is a bogus agreement. We can say at the outset that we agree to be the "man of steel", but no one can credibly promise to have no feelings of remorse if the relationship fails.

All of this points to the essential difference between sexual activity and other forms of activity. Giving oneself to a sexual partner is, by its nature, a gift of oneself to another person. We all have a deep longing to be cherished by the person we have sex with. That longing is not fooled by our pretensions to sophistication.

Friendship

There is no sex and very little potential for sex going on here. Two people have a platonic relationship based either on social fun or an emotional connection, but the attraction simply isn’t there to take it further. Occasionally a friendship can turn into something more, but that is the exception rather than the rule.

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The Extremes

Swinging

Swinging, also known as wife swapping or partner swapping, is a non-monogamous behaviour in which both singles and partners in a committed relationship engage in sexual activities with others as a recreational or social activity.

The phenomenon of swinging, or at least its wider discussion and practice, is regarded by some as arising from the freer attitudes to sexual activity after the sexual revolution of the 1960s, the invention and availability of the contraceptive pill and the emergence of treatments for many of the sexually transmitted diseases that were known at that time.

The swinger community sometimes refers to itself as "the lifestyle", or as "the alternative lifestyle". The term "wife swapping" or "partner swapping" is criticized for not accurately describing the full range of sexual activities in which both singles or couples may engage, which is not limited to conventional sex with a person other than their regular sex partner. Other terms sometimes encountered are wife sharing, partner sharing, wife trading and wife lending, which describe similar concepts, usually in sociological or anthropological research. As these terms have become dated, with women participating as fully in the decision making process as their male partners, the more gender-neutral term "swinging" has gained popularity

BDSM

BDSM is a variety of erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community or subculture is usually dependent on self-identification and shared experience. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle.

   

The BDSM initialise.

The term BDSM is first recorded in a Usenet posting from 1991, and is interpreted as a combination of the abbreviations B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism). BDSM is used today (2015) as a catch-all phrase covering a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures. BDSM communities generally welcome anyone with a non-normative streak who identifies with the community; this may include cross-dressers, body modification enthusiasts, animal role-players, rubber fetishists, and others.

Unlike the usual "power neutral" relationships and play styles commonly followed by couples, activities and relationships within a BDSM context are often characterized by the participants' taking on complementary, but unequal roles; thus, the idea of informed consent of both the partners becomes essential. The participant who exerts sexual dominance over their partner is known as the dominant or top, while the participant who takes the passive, receiving, or obedient role is known as the submissive or bottom.

Individuals are also sometimes abbreviated when referred to in writing, so a dominant person may be referred to as a "dom" for a man or a woman. Sometimes a woman may choose to use the female specific term "Domme". Both terms are pronounced the same when spoken. Individuals who can change between top/dominant and bottom/submissive roles—whether from relationship to relationship or within a given relationship—are known as switches. The precise definition of roles and self-identification is a common subject of debate within the community.

Polyamory
Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships involving more than two people, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy". The term should not be confused with polysexuality (attraction towards multiple genders or sexes), although the two may overlap in individuals.

The term "polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at some point in time or to a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender or sexual orientation). The word is sometimes used in a broader sense, as an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships, or forms of sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive. Polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved, though there is disagreement on how broadly the concept of polyamory applies. An emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic. As of July 2009, it was estimated that more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships existed in the United States.


People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed, long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, polyamory may embark on a polyamorous relationship when single or already in a monogamous or open relationship. Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships, which commonly consist of people seeking to build long-term relationships with more than one person on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationships. In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized according to those participating. For many, such relationships are ideally built upon values of trust, loyalty, the negotiation of boundaries, and compersion, as well as overcoming jealousy, possessiveness, and the rejection of restrictive cultural standards.

Relationship Anarchy
This is a relationship philosophy which goes one step further than polyamory and generally dismisses any preconceived ideas about relationship structures, drawing clear lines of separation between “friendship” and “romantic-sexual relationships,” relationship hierarchy, or categorizing relationships according to their behavioral and/or emotional qualities. Relationship anarchy rejects monogamy and the idea of love being finite or limited, in the same way that polyamory rejects that paradigm. Relationship anarchy, however, seeks to dissolve rigid emotional distinctions between sexual and nonsexual relationships, romantic love and friendship, in a way that polyamory usually does not. Relationship anarchy rejects emotional hierarchies of relationships: both the ranking of one romantic-sexual relationship over another and the ranking of romantic-sexual relationships over nonsexual and/or nonromantic relationships. Within a relationship anarchist’s social network, nonsexual and nonromantic relationships are equal to sexual and/or romantic relationships, if the RA has sex and feels romantic attraction, and a nonsexual/nonromantic relationship is just as likely to become a highly involved partnership as any romantic/sexual relationship is. Anyone can be an RA, including asexuals and aromantics.

Do men compare the women, in all relationships, past and present?

A man asked this question to me - "do I compare all the men in my past relationship?" and my answer was no.  

The question would then be, why would I, do that if my answer had been yes.

I can only find one possible answer, I never let go of the man that I had a relationship with and was still very much in love with him.  I had not sufficient time to grieve for my loss, and still had a feeling of being an utter failure.  I went into a new relationship, when I was not ready and was still on the rebound.

Nobody can replace a person that you once loved, or still love, it pointless and it only leads to heartache in the long run.  

Why I never done that

Firstly I never was attracted to different men in the same way.  Each man that I had a relationship was different to the man that I dated previously.  I have never tried to find my lost love in another man.  Past relationships are just that and should not have influence over the "new" relationship.  If you found that you that you are looking for the same type of person that you have lost, and you want to replace that person with a similar person, then instead of having a successful relationship, you have doomed that relationship right from the start.  I also give time a chance to heal .........

Now to answer the question that I posed.

Do men compare the women, in all relationships, past and present?

Yes, unfortunately they do.  I guess the main reason is that the man is not really happy in that new relationship, or perhaps any of the relationships that he ever had, except one (maybe!)

The man has a tendency to hope that he did not leave something hoping for something better, only to be disappointed on realising that he would have been much happier staying put in his last relationship.  (Or simply his expectations are unrealistic). When the realisation occurs, it's much too late to do anything about it, too much water has flown under the bridge, very seldom can both parties overlook the reasons why they split up in the first time.

Another reason for comparison is sexual gratification, a comparison arises when the man is not being fulfilled sexually, that can be easily remedied, talk about your likes and dislikes, and of course ask her what her preferences are also.

Assuming IF a man is happy in his current relationship the comparing will not go on for long. 

We all must remember that there's a reason our exes are our exes