Mothers and their Daughters

These are more for my mother and me.  It does not fit in the pattern of me and my daughters.  I guess I have my mother to thank for this, if she never raised me the way she did, I would never of been aware of problems between mothers and daughters.  I was very aware that if the relationship between my mother and me had been different, I would have ended up being a very different person from whom I am now!

Instead I decided to break the mould. Not do the same thing as my mother did for me.  I loved my mother, but we never had an ideal relationship.  My mother would do the talking for me, if anybody talked to me, my mother would answer for me.  She labelled me and that label stuck for a very long time.  I am not so sure if this label will ever go away.  If anybody labels me, I want to run and hide.  It's very painful and I know once labelled, that label is for life, it does not matter how one changes.  One still has the same old label for the rest of one’s life.

One would think that there would a very strong bond between mother and child.  This is not a given, even though the mother carries her daughter for nine months.  Her daughter is dependent on her for many years.

Especially for a new mother, it’s a very new experience been pregnant, having this little thing grows in your womb, everything changes.  Mood swings, morning sickness, tiredness, urinating frequently, swollen ankles and fingers.  Getting a bigger stomach, tender and swollen breast, and heart burn, not been able to lay flat on the stomach anymore.  Fear of the pending birth.  The actual birthing itself.

Being pregnant is one of the amazing experiences in a women's life. Baby re-invents one’s life. Life is never the same after the arrival of a new born baby.

A woman is carrying a stranger around for nine months, feeling it grow and kick for the first time.  Even then babies know exactly the wrong times to get active.  Kicking hard in the middle of the night when the expecting mother needs her sleep, lol.

 Pregnancy seems designed to prepare you for life as a mother. You start making sacrifices nine months before the child is born, so by the time they put in an appearance you are used to giving things up for them.
― Brett Kiellerop

I guess the problems occur between mothers and daughters right from the start, when the mother holds her child for the very first time and indeed she is holding a stranger.  Not all pregnancy are welcomed with open arms, there could be many reasons for this.  An unplanned pregnancy, domestic trouble between husband and wife, new mother being a single. Financial difficulties.  All breeding grounds for unhealthy relationships between mother and daughter.

It All Started With A Hook Up...

© Mikaela

It started with a hook up.

And than the plus sign appeared. 

Your daddy told me to take care of it.

I did as he told. 

I went to get you aborted but I couldn't. 

I left crying into my best friends arms. 

You were still inside of me. 

I knew what I was going to do.

I was going to raise you on my own.

He asked me if I did it.

I said yes and left it at that.

3 months later my parents still didn't know.

I went for a check up. 

And I saw you. 

I couldn't believe you were mine. 

I was so happy that I finally made a good decision. 

5 months now and people were starting rumors.

I just told them I was gaining weight. 

They believed me and dropped the topic. 

Another check up came by.

The doctor said you were a healthy baby girl.

I knew I had to tell my parents soon.

I wasn't going to be able to hide it anymore. 

It was 5 ½ months now. 

I was at a friend's house and I passed out bleeding. 

I was rushed to the doctors. 

They came in and told me it was normal.

It was normal for teenagers to loose babies.

I told them it couldn't be true. 

I told them to run the test again.

And they told me there is nothing they can do. 

I sat there and cried. 

My parents don't know. 

And nether does your daddy.

Very few people do and they all miss you just as much as I do.

You would have been born in a month and a half. 

I miss you so much. 

There is not a day I don't go by with out thinking of you.

I wish you were in my arms and not in heaven.

Maybe if I just told the truth. 

Was I being punished? 

But why did you take the punishment? 

I miss you my baby girl. 

But don't worry we will meet again. 

And until than just remember I love you.

Please remember that it’s not your daughter's fault, she never asked to be born.  Love this little bundle with your heart and soul, prepare her ahead for a future she can cope with her, so that she never knows the heart ache and pain of not really being wanted.  Never ever tell your daughter that she was not wanted.  It’s not only unmarried mothers that go through these feelings of not wanting an unplanned pregnancy, but it happens with many married woman.  A daughter can survive without her father but cannot survive without her mother’s love!!!

A Mother's Love

© Crystal M. Johnston

Published on February 2006

A mother's love is a treasure within.
Taking chances on one's little life to make sure they are safe and sound.
A mother's love is for her child no matter how near or far they are from each other.
A mother's love is doing everything to make sure her child's life is safe from harm.
A mother's love is taking the risk of losing her own life to make sure her child can live out theirs.
A mother's love is unconditional no matter what the child does.
A mother's love is always there pure and true.
A mother's love is there forever.

It’s true enough that all daughters of unloving and unattuned mothers have common experiences. The lack of maternal warmth and validation warps their sense of self, makes them lack confidence in or be wary of close emotional connection, and shapes them in ways that are both seen and unseen.

“'You are what you are. You are what you are feeling.’ Allowing us to believe in our own reality. Persuading us that it is safe to expose our early fragile beginning-to-grow true self.”

The unloved daughter hears something very different, and takes away another lesson entirely. Unlike the daughter of an attuned mother who grows in reflected light, the unloved daughter is diminished by the connection.

Yet, despite the broad strokes of this shared and painful experience, the pattern of connection—how the mother interacts with her daughter—varies significantly from one pair to another. These different behaviours affect daughters in specific ways. 

Mothers that are dismissive to their daughters, their daughters doubt their own emotional needs.  The terrible feeling of been unworthy of attention, leaves them with an intense longing to be loved.  This is what I experienced, and I still think that I am unworthy of someone wanting me and needing me.  I think that they can do much better will someone else, and I will even encourage them to look for someone else. Daughters need to be close to their mothers, just because the mother is dismissive, the daughters needs just don't disappear.

The mother that does things for the child's "own good" becomes a controlling mother.  Yet she does not acknowledge her daughter accomplishments and instil a sense of insecurity and helplessness.  The mother is telling her daughter, that she is inadequate, cannot be trusted and the daughter will fail, as she has no mother's guidance.

Emotionally unavailable mothers do a lot of damage.  What I felt, that my mother withheld love from me.   Lack of physical contact, no hugging, unless it was to force me to read. Or when I was hurting so badly, that when she tried to hold me, it was like a physical pain, I had already established that to be hugged was a punishment in itself. Abandonment leaves scars all of its own; it’s extremely painful and very bewildering.

“I could never understand why my Mom didn’t want to be around. I felt a huge part was missing in my life and that only my Mom could fill it.”

All of these behaviours leave daughters emotionally hungry and sometimes desperately needy. The luckiest daughters will find another family member—a father, a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle—to step into the emotional breach which helps but doesn’t heal; many don’t. These insecurely attached daughters often become clingy in adult relationships, needing constant reassurance, from friends and lovers alike.

A lack of boundaries, boundaries are essential for growing up. A healthy and attuned maternal relationship offers security and freedom to roam at once—the infant is released from her mother’s arms to crawl, the adolescent counselled but listened to and respected—and this pattern does not. That’s all missing.

The mother that is intensely jealous of her daughter, a mother who is in competition with her own daughter. The mother that uses mental and verbal abuse to win and will restore to physical abuse.  She rationalizes her behaviours as being necessary because of defects in her daughter’s character or behaviour. This is dangerous territory.

Many daughters report that the pain of feeling responsible somehow—the belief that they “made’ their mothers react, or that they are unworthy—is as crippling as the lack of maternal love. Blame and shame was usually this mother’s weapons of choice.

Not knowing how the mother will be on that occasion, will her the "good mommy" or the "bad mommy"

“I trace my own lack of self-confidence back to my mother. She was emotionally unreliable—horribly critical of me one day, dismissive the next, and then, out of nowhere, smiling and fussing over me. I now realize that the smiley mom thing usually happened in front of other people who were her audience. Anyway, I never knew what to expect. She could be intolerably present, inexplicably absent, and then playing a part. I assumed I’d done something to make her treat me the way she did. Now, I know she did what she felt like, without any thought of me, but I still hear her voice in my head especially when life gets difficult or I feel insecure.”

A mother that sees her daughter as an extension of herself and nothing more.  The mother carefully controls her involvement when it suits her.  The mother is incapable of empathy, and very concern with what others think.  Her emotional connection to her daughter is superficial as she focuses on herself.  She manipulates and controls her daughter in order to feel good.

Daughter who are forced to become "the mother".  This happens when the mother has children at a very early age and she cannot handle the situation.