Emotional Blackmailers - Part 2

The Inner World of the Blackmailer

Emotional blackmailers hate to lose. Blackmailers can't tolerate frustration. To the blackmailer, frustration is connected to deep, resonant fears of loss and deprivation, and they experience it as a warning that unless they take immediate action they'll face intolerable consequences. These convictions may be rooted in a lengthy history of feeling anxious and insecure.

Complementing and reinforcing possible genetic factors are powerful messages from our caretakers and society about whom we are and how we are supposed to behave. Blackmailers believe that they can compensate for some of the frustrations of the past by changing the current reality.

The potential for blackmail rises dramatically during such crises as a separation or divorce, loss of a job, illness and retirement, which undermine blackmailers' sense of themselves as valuable people. Often people who have had everything and have been overprotected and indulged have had little opportunity to develop confidence in their ability to handle any kind of loss. At the first hint that they might be deprived, they panic, and shore themselves up with blackmail.

Usually blackmailers focus totally on their needs, their desires; they don't seem to be the least bit interested in our needs or how their pressure is affecting us. They often behave as though each disagreement is the make-or-break factor in the relationship.

Blackmailers frequently win with tactics that create an insurmountable rift in the relationship.  Yet the short-term victory often appears to be enough of a triumph ' as if there were no future to consider. Most blackmailers operate from an I-want-what-I want-when-I-want it mind-set. Any logic or ability to see the consequences of their actions is obscured by the urgency blackmailers feel to hold on to what they have.

The most important thing to take away from the tour of a blackmailer's psyche is that emotional blackmailer sounds like it's all about you and feels like it's all about you, but for the most part it's not about you at all. Instead it flows from and tries to stabilize some fairly insecure places inside the blackmailer. Many times it has more to do with the past than the present, and it's more concerned with filling the blackmailer's needs than with anything the blackmailer says we did or didn't do.

The protective qualities that we have that open us up to emotional blackmail are:

• An excessive need for approval.

• An intense fear of anger.

• A need for peace at any price.

• A tendency to take too much responsibility for other people's lives.

• A high level of self-doubt

When kept in balance and alternated with other behaviour, none of these styles dooms you to the status of 'preferred target' of an emotional blackmailer. Emotional blackmailing takes training and practice. Emotional blackmailers take their cues from our responses to their testing, and they learn from both what we do and what we don't do.

Emotional blackmail may not be life threatening but it robs us of our integrity. Integrity is that place inside where our values and our moral compass reside, clarifying what right and wrong for us.

• We let ourselves down.

• A vicious cycle ensues.

• Rationalizing and justifying.

• We may betray others to placate the blackmailer.

• It sucks the safety out of the relationship.

• We may shut down and constrict emotional generosity.

The impact on our well-being:

• Mental health

• Physical pain as a warning

To change, we need to know what we have to do and then we have to act. If you're willing to take action now and let your feelings of confidence and competence catch up with you, you can end emotional blackmail.

What is Necessary to Stop Emotional Blackmail

• The victim must begin to look at the situation in a new way.

• They must detach from their emotions.

• They must realize that they are being blackmailed and that it is not appropriate for the

   blackmailer to be treating them in that manner.

• They must make a commitment to themselves that they will take care of themselves and

   no longer allow this abusive treatment.

• They need to see that a demand is being made on them and that it makes them

   uncomfortable.

• They must determine why the demand feels uncomfortable.

• They must not give into the pressure for an immediate decision.

• They must set boundaries to be able to take time to consider the situation and to look at

   all of the alternatives to make the decision.

• Finally, they must consider their own needs first for a change, in this process.

Punisher and self-punishers may try pressuring you to change your decision by bombarding

you with visions of the extreme negative consequences of doing what you've decided to do. It's

never easy to resist the fear that their bleak vision will come to pass, especially when the theme

they're pounding home is "Bad things will happen - and it'll be your fault." But hold your

ground.

Handling Silence

But what about the person who blackmails through anger that is expressed covertly through

sulks and suffering? When they say nothing, what can you say or do? For many targets, this

silent anger is far more maddening and crazy than an overt attack. Sometimes it seems as if

nothing works with this kind of blackmailer, and sometimes nothing does. But you'll have the

most success if you stick to the principles of non-defensive communication and stay conscious of the following do's and don'ts.

In dealing with silent blackmailers, DON'T: DO use the following techniques:

* Expect them to make the first step toward resolving the conflict.

* Plead with them to tell you what's wrong.

* Keep after them for a response (which will only make them withdraw more).

* Criticize, analyse or interpret their motives, character or inability to be direct.

* Willingly accept blame for whatever they're upset about to get them into a better mood.

* Allow them to change the Subject.

* Get intimidated by the tension and anger in the air.

* Let your frustration cause you to make threats you really don't mean (e.g., "If you don't 
   tell

   me what's wrong, I'll never speak to you again").

* Assume that if they ultimately apologize, it will be followed by any significant change

   in their behaviour.

* Expect major personality changes, even if they recognize what they're doing and are

   willing to work on it. Remember: Behaviour can change. Personality styles usually don't.

* Remember that you are dealing with people who feel inadequate and powerless and who

   are afraid of your ability to hurt or abandon them.

* Confront them when they're more able to hear what you have to say. Consider writing a 
   letter.  

   It may feel less threatening to them.

* Reassure them that they can tell you what they're angry about and you will hear them

   out without retaliating.

* Use tact and diplomacy. This will reassure them that you won't exploit their vulnerabilities

   and bludgeon them with recriminations.

* Say reassuring things like "I know you're angry right now, and I'll be willing to discuss this

   with you as soon as you're ready to talk about it," Then leave them alone. You'll only make

   them withdraw more if you don't.

* Don't be afraid to tell them that their behaviour is upsetting to you, but begin by 
   expressing appreciation. 

* Stay focused on the issue you're upset about.

* Expect to be attacked when you express a grievance, because they experience your 
   assertion as an attack on them as an attack on them.

* Let them know that you know they're angry