Emotional Blackmail - Part One

Please don't tell me that nobody has ever used emotional blackmail, I think that we all have done it one time or other.  Just some of us never stop doing it .................

What is Emotional Blackmail?

Emotional blackmail and FOG, terms coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, are about controlling people in relationships and the theory that fear, obligation and guilt ("FOG") are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.

Blackmail cannot work without the target's active participation. The target gives it permission

to occur. You may be aware of the blackmail but feel as though you can't resist it, because the

blackmailer's pressure sets off almost programmed responses in you, and you're reacting

automatically or impulsively.

Blackmailers may be aware of your hot buttons. Faced with resistance, blackmailers' fear of

deprivation kicks in and they use every bit of information to ensure that they prevail.

Emotional blackmailer know our deepest secrets.  They know how much we care for them, they care for us, but they have a deep fair and they need to get their own way with us.  They shape their threats accordingly…….

We must earn the love or approval from our blackmailers; they have a tendency to withhold what we crave the most.  This could mean that you will let the blackmailer control you, your decisions and behaviour.

Blackmailers have a thing about losing.   To the blackmailer, your feelings don’t count. They never play fair. Why is winning so important to blackmailers, we ask ourselves. Why are they doing this to us? Why do they need to get their way so badly that they'll punish us if they don't?

Blackmail takes two: it is a transaction. Following clarity comes change. It's easy to focus on

other people's behaviour and to think that if they change things will be fine. The change has to

begin with the blackmail target.

Our compliance rewards the blackmailer, and every time we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we're letting them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again.

The price we pay when we repeatedly give in to emotional blackmail is enormous. It eats away at us and escalates until it puts our most important relationships and our whole sense of self-respect in jeopardy.

Understanding the Blackmail Transaction

What Emotional Blackmailers Do 

Threaten to make things difficult if you don't do what they want.

Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don't give in.

Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants.

Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed if you don't

do what they want.

Shower you with approval when you give into them and take it away when you don't.

Use money as a weapon to get their way.

Components of Emotional Blackmail

The issues may differ, but the tactics and actions will be the same, and clearly recognizable.

Demand--someone wants something

Resistance--the other does not feel comfortable with the demand

Pressure --used to make the resistant one give in

Threat --to turn up the pressure

Compliance--on the part of the resistant one

Repetition--this pattern reoccurs in at least other situations (just with a different name)

There are four types of blackmailers 

Punishers

Their anger is always directed as us.  They express themselves aggressively or they smoulder in silence.  The deeper the relationship is, the more the blackmail escalates.

Abandonment, emotional cut off, withdrawal of money or other resources. Explosive

anger directed at us. And, at the most terrifying extreme, threats of physical harm.

Self-punishers

They turn the threats towards themselves. They are very need and dependent.  They have problems in taking responsibility for their own lives.  The extreme threat is that they say that they will kill themselves.

Sufferers

They blame others and make other feel guilty.  They always crying over something or other, nothing good comes their way and they use this in order to get what they want.  If you can’t read their minds, then you don’t care enough for them.

Tantalizers

They promise us of something wonderful, that we need to behave or else we will not get what we need.  Many wonderful promise, of love and of acceptance……..

  

Each type of blackmailer operates with a different vocabulary, and each gives a different spin to the demands, pressure, threats and negative judgments that go into blackmail. There are no

firm boundaries between the styles of blackmail, as they can be combined.

Emotions Felt by Victims of Emotional Blackmail

They feel insecure, unimportant, unworthy and generally bad about them.

They doubt their ideas and needs.

They feel isolated.

They may have consistent physical ailments as a result of the stress.

Characteristics of the Victim and Emotional Blackmailer

Victim:

Constantly seeks approval

Does their best to avoid anger and keep peace

Takes the blame for anything that happens to others

Has compassion and empathy

Tends to feel pity or obligation

Believes they need to give in because it is the “right thing to do”

Has self-doubt with no sense of their worth, intelligence or abilities

  

Emotional Blackmailer:

Has great fear of abandonment and deprivation or of being hurt.

Feels desperate.

Needs to be in control of things.

Experiences frequent frustration.

Has thought distortions regarding the reasonableness of their demands.

Has had someone emotionally blackmail them and sees that it works to get them what  they want.

“FOG”

“FOG” means Fear, Obligation and we feel afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and terribly guilty if we don't.

Fear, the Real F-Word

Blackmailer’s fears are so strong that they cannot see the affects they are having on us.  They use our fears to get what they want us to do, they use the information that we reveal to them.  One of the most painful parts of emotional blackmail is that it violates the trust that has allowed us to reveal ourselves.

Obligation

Obligation is about our duty, they form ethical and moral foundations of our lives.  Blackmailers use our sense of obligations and test it to the fullest.  We have problems defining our boundaries when our sense of obligation is stronger than our sense of self-respect and self-caring; blackmailers quickly learn to take advantage.

Guilt

When we do something that is not right, our guilt takes over, It makes us feel simply terrible.

Guilt is a tool of the conscience, it helps us keeps our personal and social codes of ethics.

Blackmailers use blame to create undeserved guilt, but it wears away the trust and intimacy that makes us want to be with them.

  

The tools are a constant that runs through the endlessly varied scenarios of emotional blackmail, and all blackmailers, no matter what their style, use one or more of them:

Blackmailers see themselves as wise and well intentioned.  They want to win, if we resist is because of our own flaws.  The blackmailer challenges our character, motives and self-worth.

They have the ability to wipe out our confidence.

Some blackmailers tell us we don’t do as they want because we are ill or crazy.  This is a blow to our confidence and sense of self and it’s a very effective tool.  In a love relationship when more attention, more commitment are not forth coming, they query our ability to love, make us doubt our sanity.

When single-handed attempts at blackmail are ineffective, black-mailers call in reinforcements

(parents, children, mental health professionals, religious leaders etc.), to make their case for

them and to prove that they are right. They may turn to a higher authority such as the bible.

Blackmailers often hold up another person as a model, a flawless ideal against which we fall

short. Negative comparisons make us feel suddenly deficient. We react competitively.