A word for the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have
It literally means “the exquisite pain” and expresses the wanting the affection of someone unattainable.
What is the attraction of someone that is unattainable, we know in our hearts that they will never love us?
When we had that person in our lives, why do we always realise what we have lost only after we have lost it?
Why don’t we appreciate what we have, while we have it?
Why does it suddenly become more attractive when it now belongs to someone else? Do we really want that person, when we never wanted them while we were with them? The annoying things they did, how they used to push our buttons that made us extremely angry?
We go as far as possible to make their lives unendurable, we are unfaithful them to them, and flaunt it in their faces.
Deny them the one thing that truly wanted, our love. Telling them we will never love them.
When they are gone, after a time we only begin to see the good things, but when we were with them, we only saw the bad things………
We drove them away, and now they are with someone else, they doing things with the other person, that they used to do with us. Now we need them, now we love them, and the pain of not having them is unbearable.
When we had them in our lives, did we stay with them because of the familiarity?
What would happen if they leave the person they are with now and come back? Will we treasure them, like we never did before? Now we have them back, like a spoilt child, we just carry on as before. Is it that we just don’t like seeing them with someone else, being happy and carefree? We don’t really want them but we don’t want anybody else to have them either. They will always be the same person they were before, if we could not appreciate and love them as they were then, why would we do it now?
Why must we always have this fixation, we had, and now we have lost them.
Is it because they left a void in our lives, when they left us, and how ever we seek, we can’t seem to find another person like them to fill the emptiness?
Is it because that person is no longer obtainable, and we are acting like children, when we were told we could not have something, an tantrum was inevitable, though we really don’t want it, but because we can’t have it, we want it even more?
Apparently this can be explained, there is a logical reason for this, and the urge to go after the unattainable is in our DNA.
George Loewenstein, came up with this theory, “Information-Gap Theory”. This will explain why we behave as we do. Apparently when we feel a gap between what we do know and what we want to know, curiosity hatches. We feel the need to take actions, and bridge this gap.
Wanting what you can’t have, whether it’s a lifestyle or a relationship with the person that has left you, or even a new person, will you ever likely to be satisfied with this.
What happens if you win the jackpot? Will this be enough? What happens when this person becomes attainable, you got what you want, what is the fun in this, will you lose interest and move on to the next unattainable.
It’s an endless cycle of any agony, no fulfilment, no payoff and certainly no romantic ending.
Let me try and explain further…
There's a difference between wanting somebody/something and needing something/someone.
Here's an analogy: You want a Prada bag, but you don't exactly need one. Of course, your desire for that particular thing you want can be weak or strong, depending on several things.
You may want something really badly, with every ounce of strength that you possess, or you may only want it half-heartedly. On the other hand, you need oxygen; there is no real desire for it, but you have to have it, nonetheless, for survival.
Of course, there are circumstances in which a need may become a want. For instance, when you're drowning, the need for oxygen gets so strong that the need becomes want.
In those few seconds, you want oxygen like you want your life — literally. Often, we only truly appreciate the value and necessity of some things only when we lose them, don't we?
Want and need can be really different, but at times, pretty similar. So, what is love? Here's the answer to the million-dollar question: Love is when you want what you need and need what you want.
Most love relationships start out with a state of wanting. When you fall in love, you want the other person very, very much.
And then slowly, over time, as you love, you also become more and more accustomed to that person, so much so that you might even feel as though you can't live without him or her. This is when want becomes need. When you want and need something simultaneously, you can call it love.
When you truly love someone, you know that you want him or her. You can feel that craving in the depth of your soul and in every nerve and every fibre of your physical being. It may feel almost like an addiction or an unyielding obsession.
You know that there is lust, but there is also something more. It’s something that truly satisfies, yet leaves you wanting more. Indeed, love can leave you in a vulnerable state. Perhaps this is where “want” transcends into “need.”
It’s when you have become so dependent on the other person for your emotional and physical demands that you can't live properly if he or she disappeared from your life completely.
With this person, you can feel a sense of familiarity and assurance that comes with his or her acceptance of you. You feel safe with him or her.
In a way, love can become a comfort zone, a refuge you can run to. Though, in another way, it can also be a dangerous place where you might get yourself or the other party really hurt.
After a breakup, it's unavoidable that you will feel slightly needy because now that you're out of your comfort zone, you just want to feel safe again.
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