Being complete

Does a relationship complete you?

“You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.”

There is desperation in a few topics in life.  Love, relationships and marriage.  Love with regard to being single.  To be single, does that mean that one is incomplete?  Society has the habit of looking at single people as not being complete in them until they meet their soul mate.  Society has portrayed being single as a sort of disease rather than being an acceptable state.  Many believe that they are incomplete until they find their soul mate.

Being desperate

Finding a soul mate leads to anxiety and desperation.  People start getting into relationships for the sake of just having a relationship.  This would lead to the following; they attract and enter into suboptimal relationships.  The people they get together with are not right for them, nor do these people help them become better people, or treat them on the level of respect that is due to them.  This always leads to constant unhappiness and heartache.  Depression and disappointment will happen when they cannot find the person of their dream when they break up with their previous partner.

Myself = Single
I am 52 years old.  I have two wonderful daughters by the same father.  I could say that I never had a really serious relationship where the man wanted to marry me.  I loved the father of my children very much.  It took me a very long time to get over him.  When my youngest daughter turned 16th, I started to think of "me".  All those years I just concentrated on being a mother, there for my daughters. I started dating and these relationships were unsuccessful, I think I had the wrong idea on what a relationship should entail.  Now I realise the priority is not finding a soul mate, but finding me.  I never knew who I was, as a kid or even an adult.  

I never came to this realisation by myself.  This wonderful beautiful man came into my life, no I have never met him physically, but talked on “Whatsapp”.  He was the one to help me.  He restored my confidence in myself as a woman and as a person.  He made me realise that I was hanging on being a victim of my past and that I need to let go in order to move on, in order to become a survivor!  I know this man is looking for that someone to complete him, to share these small things with, holding hands, having someone to hold him, when he is sad. To lay his head in their lap, while they gently run their fingers through his hair.  Those small things that are over looked. You have no idea how satisfactory these small things can be!!  

I watched his desperation in finding that person, and that what was actually what made me re-valuate my life. He was never happy with what he had, always looking, always searching for something much better. Meanwhile he had that all along, but he never released it and probably never will realise this until he can settle for what he has.  Always crying that he had lost something or someone because he never realised at the time the true value of what he had.

With this re-valuation I have come to the conclusion, I must first be happy with myself, find the joys within myself.  Follow the passions in my life that I never had time for.

Depression and sadness was constantly in my life.  It got so bad that I went to a doctor to get treated for depression.  These happy pills brought new issue that I had to deal with.  Two months into the treatment I decided to go cold turkey.  This was not the solution for me.  The solution was to start fighting, make an extreme effort to get over the sadness and depression.  Every day is a struggle, some days are worse than others.  I have got a new lease in life and I am not going to let go of it.  I am concentrating on the good in my life.  My daughters, my beautifully wonderful daughters that have grown into the most amazing adults, and my grandchildren.

People seem to forget, having a soul mate is not a bed of roses.  Other issues arise, sure it must be amazing to have this person love you and you love them, but its not always up hill, there will be many potholes, many issues that have to be solved.  People forget that the soul mate comes with their own luggage, that need to be dealt together.  In this life it would be impossible to come across a person that did not have issues.

Realization That I Am Complete

It was from my introspection and probing that it finally hit home – I was looking at all of this the wrong way. All the frustration, anticipation and expectations on getting a relationship arose because I was looking for a relationship to complete myself.

The truth is, I am already complete by myself. There is no need for my life partner to enter into my life before all those things can happen. I can already be doing them as and when I want to. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that I should be putting my life on hold.

I was looking at a relationship as two halves forming a whole, when it should be about two wholes forming a bigger union. When I released myself of my limiting perception that was when my views toward relationships totally changed. I stopped hinging expectations toward when I should get into a relationship and how it should be like. I stopped looking at relationships with a feeling of desperation. I became grounded in myself. I became truly and perfectly happy in the state of single hood.

Does this mean I don’t want to be in a relationship? No, I do want to be in a relationship. The difference is that desire stopped being rooted in fear-based emotions. It became rooted in groundlessness and love-based emotions.

Are You Complete By Yourself?

Are you complete by yourself? There is a huge difference on your perceptions and attitudes toward relationships between when you think of yourself as an incomplete person and when you think of yourself as already complete.

This can be an elusive quality. In the face of this question, many people will be quick to jump to their own defence and reply “yes, I’m complete.” But understand that being ‘complete’ is a state that is all encompassing. It is beyond just ‘thinking’ that you are complete. It emanates from your thoughts, emotions, actions and behaviours.

It means you start truly living life and stop becoming bothered by whether you are single or attached.

Below are eight attributes that differentiate both viewpoints of seeing yourself as incomplete vs. seeing yourself as complete:

1.    Half vs. Whole: The union of two halves to form a whole, compared to a relation of two  wholes' former a larger whole.

2.    Desperation vs. Groundlessness: Desperation in getting into a relationship that is 

       not right for you, or simple not letting go of a bad relationship.  The latter results deep  within yourself,  a relationship that is right for you.

3.    Myopia vs. Clarity:  Lack of self-awareness, lack of clarity of  what’s best for yourself or disregard of it. The latter results in full clarity on what you want  and pursuit of only what is best for you.

4.    Fear-based vs. Love-based: The former is driven by fear-based emotions, such as  anxiety, ego, pride and fear. The latter is driven by love-based emotions, such as true,  authentic and unconditional love, willingness and courage.

5.    Negativity vs. Positivity: The former results in negative feelings toward relationships  or during the course of the relationship, such as misery, anger, hatred, heartache and  unhappiness. The latter leads to positive feelings, such as abundance, bliss, joy,  happiness. Contrary to popular belief, hate is not the result of love. Hate is the result of  pride. True unconditional love does not result in hatred.

6.    Subjectivity vs. Objectivity: The former leads to irrationality and what people refer to  as ‘blinded by love’. The second is rooted in objectivity.

7.    Poor quality relationships vs. Soul mate relationships: The former attracts  negative relationships into your life. When you view a relationship as something that  completes you, you attract other people who have this mindset too, and that leads to a  relationship which is rooted in fear and negativity. The latter attracts your soul mate  relationship, one that elevates you, makes you a better person, and brings you actual  bliss and joy.

8.    Dependency vs. Independency: The former leads to dependency and reliance on  the partner in the relationship and withdrawals without the partner. The latter leads to  symbiotic, interdependent roles in a relationship but at the same time, full independency  by yourself.

How To Become Complete By Yourself

There are several thoughts people unknowingly adopt which result in an incomplete perception of themselves. Below are three guiding checkpoints in becoming a fully, complete person:

Love Yourself Unconditionally

Is there anything that you wish is different about yourself? Realize that your dislikes are part of what contributed you to becoming the person you are today. Without them, the other parts of you which you like would not have existed. Love who you are right now, unconditionally. While you can work on addressing those dislikes and improving yourself, you need to start off from a point where you already unequivocally love who you are right now. Improving yourself will just make you love yourself even more.

Be Completely Happy By Yourself

Are you happy being by yourself? Do you love spending time with yourself? 

This is a second level check to the first point. If you already love yourself unconditionally, you will be completely happy by yourself. You won’t look toward someone else to complete you and make you happy. Don’t look toward a relationship as an end point where eternal happiness can be attained. Complete happiness is already possible and attainable right now, at this moment, by yourself. 

Live Life To The Fullest

Are you living your life now, instead of waiting for that special one to come and do all those things with?  You don't need to wait for a relationship until you can be completely happy.  Do things with your friends, your family. Have a life!

Being Complete

When you start seeing yourself as complete, getting into a relationship becomes something that is supplementary and will make you a fuller person, vs. a prerequisite to make you whole. Since you do not look toward having a relationship to complete yourself, your attitude toward love and relationship stops becoming rooted in fear and desperation. You stop looking at singlehood as an undesirable state.

You start becoming grounded. You start to know what you want and what’s truly right for you. You become full of self-confidence, love and happiness. While you look toward being in a relationship someday, at the same time, you are perfectly happy being by yourself.

If—

By Rudyard Kipling

(‘Brother Square-Toes’—Rewards and Fairies)

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Source: A Choice of Kipling's Verse (1943) 

Divorce, effect on the Sons

Divorce

Children have a difficult time with divorce.  Parents do not consider the ramifications of the effects of the divorce.  Helping minimize the emotion turmoil the children will go through, parents need to understand and help their children to cope with all the relating issue that will insure.  Remember, children do not get divorced from their parents, and parents are not getting a divorce from their children.

In an ideal world, a boy lives with his mother and his father, experiences a sense of belonging; he grows up to be a well-adjusted person.  When parents no longer live together, the boy life becomes complicated.

Boys are more likely to react to parents' divorce with anger, academic problems, truancy, or aggressive behaviour than girls, who may try to please adults by suppressing feelings. 

Boys are more likely to suffer from depression when the father leaves the home, especially when a boy is not able to spend time with him consistently.
Boys may also lose connection with a mother because she must work longer hours to provide for the family and keep a home running.
Boys may assume blame for the break-up of a family.

Emotion and financial support

Most divorce men are far more likely than women to maintain their standard of living after a divorce, while women (who still tend to have custody of children) find that their economical levels fall significantly. 

Moving to neighbourhoods and schools that are less safe and stable may account for some of the problems boys have in the aftermath of a divorce. 

It is critically important that fathers continue to offer emotional and financial support to their sons after divorce.

Mothers must stop turning their children against their fathers
Thousands of divorced fathers are eliminated from their children's lives because of the 'implacable hostility' of mothers with custody

Encourage Emotional Awareness
Boys often mask their emotions in order to appear manly. Boys may want to protect their parents and may refuse to talk about their own pain, grief, and worry, or they may act out their feelings by misbehaving. One of the best ways to help your son through difficult times is to encourage him to identify his emotions and to talk about them. Let him know that no matter how tired or anxious you may be, you always have time to listen to him.

Your attitude is also an important factor in how your son adjusts to divorce. If you consider yourself a victim or look for someone to blame, your son will mirror your beliefs. If you face your challenges, seek healing and help for yourself, and do your best to move into a new life, your son will learn from you.

Divorce is a loss for everyone in the family. You will grieve; so will your son. But you can also help each other stay connected, look for the positive, and hang on to your optimism and faith. 

Don't try to fix your son's feelings: You cannot do that, no matter how much you love him. But you can offer understanding, encouragement, and support. A wise person once said that a family is any circle of people who love each other. You can make sure that your son always has a loving, connected family

Making the most of visitations

Having a quality relationship with the kids after a divorce requires you to spend the time needed. 

Father reasons for their loss of contact with their children after divorce

Access difficulties

Father's decision to cease contact

Practical difficulties (distance, finances, work schedule)

Child(ran) not wanting contact

Legal injunction

Early pattern of no contact (prohibiting future contact)

The most frequently used was the difficulties relating to access, many stressed the importance of the support and encouragement of their ex-wives to develop the new parental role.

The fathers who received little or no confirmation of their roles as "fathers" by their ex-wives are the ones that became disengaged from their children's life.

Fathers mentioned practical difficulties in exercising access which included the problems of distance, transport, finance, work schedule or the lack of adequate accommodation, only as a secondary factor in their loss of contact. 

Some fathers referred to the lack of confirmation by their children, or the children increasingly distancing themselves from their father after the divorce.  

Some fathers mentioned the legal system that prohibited them contacting their children.

Fathers that have not been able to overcome a pattern of diminished or no contact established immediately following the divorce.

Being there

Children need their fathers to be actively involved in their lives. Divorce can cause a distance, both physically and mentally, between a father and his children. Try to overcome this distance by making an effort to spend quality time with your children. Your actions directly affect the development of your children. Children need loving and supportive, active parents in order to realize their potential.

Fathers and Sons

I write as a mother, the father of my children forgo the beautiful experience being a father to the most amazing beautiful, clever daughters. I know my children are searching for their lost father.  I never said a bad word about their father to them.  There came a time in their lives they were extremely angry with me.  They asked me how I could do this to them. Let them grow up, without a father, not take proper and sufficient precautions.  They phoned their father and arranged to meet him.  I never tried to stop them.  They came back with the knowledge that is the type of person that their father was, that is why they never had a father.  My daughters still love their father, even though he was never a father to them.

I will never understand how fathers walk out on their kids, when they walk out on the woman that they promised to love for eternity.  Why mothers poison their kids’ minds against the father.  Why fathers never fight for the right to have their kids in their lives.

Fathers are very important to sons, fathers do a lot of damage to their sons, when they don't acknowledge and love their sons as they should do.  Girls are brought up to be much tougher, they better equipped to handle the loss of a father that’s gone, but not gone. Even so they struggle for the rest of their lives.

To be a mother is one of the most amazing experiences in this life.  To be pregnant for nine months. Those nine months is an experience that no mother can ever forget. The first time the baby kicks.  To hear the baby heartbeat.  To watch the baby growth, on the sonogram. A little miracle growing  inside you, knowing that one day you will hold this child in your arms, this the greatest gifts. Knowing that the most eternal bond has been made with the father of this child. 

A Boy Or A Girl

At first you moved,

only a little.

I could always find you,

right in the middle.

As time went on,

you really started to grow.

It wasn't a whole lot,

in fact, it was rather slow.

Before I knew it,

you were all over the place.

It kind of felt like

you were running a race.

People would ask me

if you were a boy or a girl.

I would sit and wonder,

if you would have curls.

There are so many things

I really want to know.

But you are hidden inside,

so the answers don't show.

How much will you weigh?

How tall will you be?

What color is your hair?

Will you even like me?

I hope and pray

you feel like you belong.

I never want you to feel

like you are alone.

Your Dad and I

planned you from the start.

You, my dear child,

were made straight from our hearts.

In about a week or so,

I'll meet you, for the first time.

For you are the product

of your Dad's love and mine.

There will be no one like you,

not any place in the world.

It really doesn't matter

if you are a boy or a girl.

We are both so happy

that you even exist.

The gender doesn't matter.

you'll be hard to resist.

I hope I make you proud,

that I am your mother every day.

Because, you have filled my dreams

in more ways than words can say.

It won't be long before

I can look you in the eyes.

I can feel the excitement growing,

I know I'm going to cry.

Don't worry my angel,

those tears will be of joy.

It won't matter to me

if you are a girl or a boy.

© Regina M. Linn

It’s a sense of masculinity being a father.  Why do so many men forgo this?

A New Father's Questions

You come to me with sadness in your eyes,

And tell me we have to talk,

Immediately I think the worst,

'Is it me? Does she want to walk?'

You try to begin, but don't know how,

And my nerves are standing on end.

You say that you're pregnant, two times confirmed,

And we may have a new little friend.

I'm speechless and breathless,

I can't form words to say,

This isn't what I expected,

Driving home today.

I know this is sudden,

And we haven't prepared,

But we've been through so much already,

Look at all we've shared.

Now there's another life,

Growing inside of you,

And I wonder what kind of Dad I'll be,

Will our Child's dreams come true?

Will I be the kind of father?

Who does upon his child?

Who fixes skinned knees?

With a smile, patient and mild?

Will I learn to chase the monsters?

From underneath their bed?

Will I be able to ease the nightmares?

From our child's tiny head?

Will you shine as a mother?

Will contentment light your face?

Will it bring out even more beauty?

Which the passage of time could never erase?

Will you be the kind of mother?

Who worries each time our child is ill?

Each stuffy nose an emergency,

Or will you have more resolve than I will?

What will it look like?

Will it have your eyes?

Will it love us right away?

Will it look on us with surprise?

Will we learn to adjust to 2am cries?

Can we deal with late night feedings?

Will I cry in front of the Obstetrician?

The First time I hear our child's heart beating?

Will it be a son or daughter?

Will it grow up to be like us?

Will we learn to deal with the crankiness?

When our baby starts to fuss?

These questions seem so pertinent,

More so now than they ever had,

I hope our child will love their mother,

As much as she's loved by their Dad.

I'm scared and excited,

Hesitant and yet bold,

We're going to be a family,

And our baby we'll soon hold.

Will it be a boy or a girl?

I guess only time will tell

© Jose Bernard

Each generation that passes spend less time with their sons.  Finally fathers are becoming irrelevant in the lives of their own sons.  In additions fathers have less authority.  In order for men to be the bread winners, father and husband skills took a back seat.  Men stopped doing all the things they usually did, they mainly became the Provider, bringing things home to the family rather than being with the family.  Mother made the fathers into disciplinarians:  "Wait till your father comes home!".

THE PROVIDER
The father's position in the family no longer determined on how good a father was but how well he was as a Provider.  The father that did not support is family very well became an inescapable failure, a disappointment and a buffoon.  Once the father became a part of the work environment, his family values ceased.  He values changed towards work and work became something else.  A place where he could shine.

Father did not slow down when he reached the level where his family would be provider for; he strove harder for the approval of his fellow workers and earn praise from them.  The father was a working man, and the family had to understand that they no longer came first.

In his mind, he had moved out. He had gone to conquer the world.

THE BREAD WINNERS

Society decided that women would raise the children and men would go to work. Fathers became too busy for their children and boys began to grow up without their fathers. The boys would suffer if there were no other role models in the form of uncles, cousins, grandfathers and old brothers. Work would take fathers further away from their families and homes.

Children grow up thinking that a father's life is his work, and families cannot rely on their father anymore. A man, talking about the problems with his son, said, "I don't know what Betty could have done wrong raising that boy. I know it wasn't anything I did, since I was busy working and left it to her. I barely saw the kid so I couldn't have done anything wrong."

LOST FATHER

Boys and for many grown men are searching for a lost father, who never offered protection, provision, nurturing or modelling.  Fathers that are jail, fathers that never taken responsibility for the children that they have helped create.  Those fathers that don't know how to be a man with a woman and fill up the divorce court, all those corporate raiders who want more in hopes that more will make them feel better; and all those masculopathic philanderers, contenders, and controllers--all of them are suffering from Father Hunger.

They go through their adolescent rituals day after day for a lifetime, waiting for a father to anoint them and treat them as good enough to be considered a man. They get into trouble, getting hurt and doing things that is bad for them, hoping that their father will come and straighten them out, or at least teach them how to deal with the pain. Take notice that they are alive!! Father has become a fatal deficiency. It’s not too much mother but to little father.

THE MYTHS OF MASCULINITY

The fear of the too-powerful father and the new longing for a father to love, teach and accept his children. The pain, grief and shame from the failed father-son relationship, shown in popular movies which had father-and-son themes that influence things that happen between men and women.

Men feared being like their fathers, and wanted desperately to bond with him, ever if they could never please him.

The most important determinant is whether the boy will became a man capable of being a real father, or will he go through life ashamed and pulling back from exposure to intimacy with men, women and children. 

A NEW GENERATION OF NURTURERS
It takes the fulfilment of all these relationships for a boy to become a man who is able to live in peace and co-operation with his community and to give something back to his family. Fathering makes a man--whatever his standing in the eyes of the world-feel strong and good and important, just as he makes his child feel loved and valued.
Parenting is not an efficient process; the old concept of "quality time" is a cruel cop-out. A father who gets to hang out with his children is reliving the joys of his own childhood.

Becoming Father the Nurturer rather than just Father the Provider enables a man to fully feet and express his humanity and masculinity. Fathering is the most masculine thing a man can do.

Will this new generation discover the healing power of fatherhood? Men who are willing to risk this, being hands-on fathers.

Smallest Animals in the World

Kitti’s Hog-Nosed Bat
The Kitti’s hog-nosed bat (Craseonycteris thonglongyai), sometimes referred to as the bumblebee bat due to its diminutive size, was discovered in 1970s and could arguably be the world’s smallest mammal, depending on how size is defined.

The bat is about 29 to 33 mm (1.1″ to 1.3″) in length and weighs 2 g (0.074 oz).  







Bee Hummingbird

The World’s Tiniest Bird Weighs Less Than a Dime.  With a mass around 1.6–2 g (0.056–0.071 oz) and a length of 5–6 cm (2.0–2.4 in), it is the smallest living bird

Pygmy Marmoset Monkey  

The pygmy marmoset (Cebuella pygmaea) is a small New World monkey native to rainforests of the western Amazon Basin in South America. It is notable for being the smallest monkey and one of the smallest primates in the world at just over 100 grams 

Paedocypris Fish

Paedocypris progenetica has been claimed to be the smallest known species of fish in the world. The smallest mature female measured 9.7 mm and the largest known individual 10.3 mm.

Brookesia Micra Chameleon

Brookesia micra is a species of chameleon from the islet of Nosy Hara in Antsiranana, Madagascar. As of 14 February 2012[update], it is the smallest known chameleon and among the smallest reptiles. In length, adult Brookesia micra can grow up to 29 mm (1.1 in)

Virgin Islands Dwarf Gecko

Brookesia micra is a species of chameleon from the islet of Nosy Hara in Antsiranana, Madagascar. As of 14 February 2012[update], it is the smallest known chameleon and among the smallest reptiles. In length, adult Brookesia micra can grow up to 29 mm (1.1 in)


Etruscan Shrew

The Etruscan shrew (Suncus etruscus), also known as the Etruscan pygmy shrew or the white-toothed pygmy shrew is the smallest known mammal by mass, weighing only about 1.8 grams (0.063 oz) on average.
Barbados Threadsnake

The Barbados threadsnake (Leptotyphlops carlae) is a species of blind threadsnake. It is the smallest known snake species. This member of the Leptotyphlopidae family is found only on the Caribbean island of Barbados.

Speckled Padloper Tortoise

The speckled tortoise (Homopus signatus), known locally as the speckled padloper, and also known internationally as the speckled cape tortoise,is the world's smallest tortoise. A member of the genus Homopus, it is endemic to South Africa and Southern Namibia.
Paedophryne Amauensis Frog

Paedophryne amauensis is a species of frog from Papua New Guinea discovered in August 2009 and formally described in January 2012. At 7.7 mm (0.30 in) in length, it is considered the world's smallest known vertebrate.
Denise’s Pygmy Seahorse

Denise's pygmy seahorse is a small fish which can reach a maximum length of approximately 2.4 cm, which makes it one of the smallest representatives of the seahorses.
Pygmy Mouse Lemur

Pygmy mouse lemur (Microcebus myoxinus), also known as Peters' mouse lemur or dormouse lemur, is a primate weighing only 43–55 g (1.5–1.9 oz); it is the second smallest of the mouse lemurs. Its dorsal side is a rufous-brown colour, and creamy-white ventrally. It lives in dry deciduous forests.