Please don't tell me that nobody has ever used emotional blackmail, I think that we all have done it one time or other. Just some of us never stop doing it .................
What
is Emotional Blackmail?
Emotional blackmail and FOG, terms coined by
psychotherapist Susan Forward, are about controlling people in relationships
and the theory that fear, obligation and guilt ("FOG") are the
transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being
controlled.
Blackmail cannot work without the target's
active participation. The target gives it permission
to
occur. You may be aware of the blackmail but feel as though you can't resist
it, because the
blackmailer's
pressure sets off almost programmed responses in you, and you're reacting
automatically
or impulsively.
Blackmailers
may be aware of your hot buttons. Faced with resistance, blackmailers' fear of
deprivation
kicks in and they use every bit of information to ensure that they prevail.
Emotional blackmailer know our deepest
secrets. They know how much we care for
them, they care for us, but they have a deep fair and they need to get their
own way with us. They shape their
threats accordingly…….
We
must earn the love or approval from our blackmailers; they have a tendency to
withhold what we crave the most. This
could mean that you will let the blackmailer control you, your decisions and
behaviour.
Blackmailers
have a thing about losing. To the blackmailer, your feelings don’t count.
They never play fair. Why is winning so important to blackmailers, we ask
ourselves. Why are they doing this to us? Why do they need to get their way so
badly that they'll punish us if they don't?
Blackmail
takes two: it is a transaction. Following clarity comes change. It's easy to
focus on
other
people's behaviour and to think that if they change things will be fine. The
change has to
begin
with the blackmail target.
Our compliance rewards the blackmailer, and every time
we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we're letting
them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again.
The
price we pay when we repeatedly give in to emotional blackmail is enormous. It
eats away at us and escalates until it puts our most important relationships
and our whole sense of self-respect in jeopardy.
Understanding
the Blackmail Transaction
What
Emotional Blackmailers Do
Threaten
to make things difficult if you don't do what they want.
Constantly
threaten to end the relationship if you don't give in.
Regularly
ignore or discount your feelings and wants.
Tell
you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed if
you don't
do
what they want.
Shower
you with approval when you give into them and take it away when you don't.
Use
money as a weapon to get their way.
Components
of Emotional Blackmail
The
issues may differ, but the tactics and actions will be the same, and clearly
recognizable.
Demand--someone wants something
Resistance--the other does not feel comfortable with the demand
Pressure --used to make the resistant one give in
Threat --to turn up the pressure
Compliance--on the part of the resistant one
Repetition--this pattern reoccurs in at least other situations (just
with a different name)
There
are four types of blackmailers
Punishers
Their anger is always directed as
us. They express themselves aggressively
or they smoulder in silence. The deeper
the relationship is, the more the blackmail escalates.
Abandonment,
emotional cut off, withdrawal of money or other resources. Explosive
anger
directed at us. And, at the most terrifying extreme, threats of physical harm.
Self-punishers
They turn the threats towards
themselves. They are very need and dependent.
They have problems in taking responsibility for their own lives. The extreme threat is that they say that they
will kill themselves.
Sufferers
They blame others and make other feel
guilty. They always crying over
something or other, nothing good comes their way and they use this in order to
get what they want. If you can’t read
their minds, then you don’t care enough for them.
Tantalizers
They
promise us of something wonderful, that we need to behave or else we will not
get what we need. Many wonderful
promise, of love and of acceptance……..
Each
type of blackmailer operates with a different vocabulary, and each gives a
different spin to the
demands, pressure, threats and negative judgments that go into blackmail. There
are no
firm
boundaries between the styles of blackmail, as they can be combined.
Emotions
Felt by Victims of Emotional Blackmail
They
feel insecure, unimportant, unworthy and generally bad about them.
They
doubt their ideas and needs.
They
feel isolated.
They
may have consistent physical ailments as a result of the stress.
Characteristics
of the Victim and Emotional Blackmailer
Victim:
Constantly
seeks approval
Does
their best to avoid anger and keep peace
Takes
the blame for anything that happens to others
Has
compassion and empathy
Tends
to feel pity or obligation
Believes
they need to give in because it is the “right thing to do”
Has
self-doubt with no sense of their worth, intelligence or abilities
Emotional Blackmailer:
Has
great fear of abandonment and deprivation or of being hurt.
Feels
desperate.
Needs
to be in control of things.
Experiences
frequent frustration.
Has
thought distortions regarding the reasonableness of their demands.
Has
had someone emotionally blackmail them and sees that it works to get them what they want.
“FOG”
“FOG”
means Fear, Obligation and we feel afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and
terribly guilty if we don't.
Fear, the
Real F-Word
Blackmailer’s
fears are so strong that they cannot see the affects they are having on
us. They use our fears to get what they
want us to do, they use the information that we reveal to them. One of the most painful parts of emotional
blackmail is that it violates the trust that has allowed us to reveal
ourselves.
Obligation
Obligation is about our duty, they form
ethical and moral foundations of our lives.
Blackmailers use our sense of obligations and test it to the
fullest. We have problems defining our
boundaries when our sense of obligation is
stronger than our sense of self-respect and self-caring; blackmailers quickly
learn to take advantage.
Guilt
When we do something that is not right,
our guilt takes over, It makes us feel simply terrible.
Guilt is a tool of the conscience, it
helps us keeps our personal and social codes of ethics.
Blackmailers use blame to create
undeserved guilt, but it wears away the trust and
intimacy that makes us want to be with them.
The
tools are a constant that runs through the endlessly varied scenarios of
emotional blackmail, and all blackmailers, no matter what their style, use one
or more of them:
Blackmailers see themselves as wise and
well intentioned. They want to win, if
we resist is because of our own flaws.
The blackmailer challenges our character, motives and self-worth.
They have the ability to wipe out our
confidence.
Some blackmailers tell us we don’t do as
they want because we are ill or crazy.
This is a blow to our confidence and sense of self and it’s a very
effective tool. In a love relationship
when more attention, more commitment are not forth coming, they query our
ability to love, make us doubt our sanity.
When
single-handed attempts at blackmail are ineffective, black-mailers call in
reinforcements
(parents,
children, mental health professionals, religious leaders etc.), to make their
case for
them
and to prove that they are right. They may turn to a higher authority such as
the bible.
Blackmailers
often hold up another person as a model, a flawless ideal against which we fall
short.
Negative comparisons make us feel suddenly deficient. We react competitively.
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