Forgiveness is not giving up...............

In many protracted and deep-rooted conflicts, apology and forgiveness are essential for reconciliation and conflict resolution. As long as one side continues to blame the other (or both sides blame each other) for their problems, healing cannot occur, and normal relationships based on mutual acceptance and trust cannot be formed.

Apology is often a difficult step, as it requires acknowledging guilt. However, the lack of apology suggests to the other side that its opponent thinks that its behaviour was appropriate. This creates the fear that the opponent’s unjust or violent behaviour will continue. An apology is a signal, more than anything, that the opponent regrets its actions and wants to rebuild a new relationship on a stronger foundation.

Forgiveness is also critical for reconciliation. Many people refuse to forgive, feeling that forgiveness is essentially "giving up" or "letting the enemy get away with" their actions. Revenge or punishment, they feel, is the only way to achieve "justice." Yet the need for revenge or punishment can delay or even prohibit the resolution of a conflict, as fear of retaliation can keep an opponent from accepting guilt and apologizing. For this reason, it is often superior to forgive an opponent’s deeds--even if they were atrocities, to stop further atrocities from happening.

Forgiveness is not giving up, but is rather an acknowledgment of the past and a willingness to move on in a new way for the benefit of both sides. This is superior to revenge, because revenge only continues the conflict and the pain. "The more common misperception is that by performing acts of revenge, one’s hurt will go away. This notion blocks people from coming out of their pain and moving on

Forgiveness becomes institutionalized when amnesty is granted for war crimes or political crimes against a particular ethnic group (as occurred in South Africa in the apartheid era, for instance). Some people, both within and outside the victim groups, feel strongly that such crimes should be prosecuted and the perpetrators punished. This is the only way to obtain justice, it is argued, which many believe is required before a lasting peace can be obtained.
Others, however, saying that prosecution and punishment will just prolong the pain, not end it. A better solution, many argue, is recognition of the past, and amnesty for the perpetrators of violence.



The South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission is one example of this approach. There perpetrators of violence on both sides of the conflict (white and black) are encouraged to testify about their deeds, after which they are granted amnesty for their actions. While some South Africans object to the Reconciliation Commission, it seems evident that the successful transition to black majority rule could not have occurred as it did without such an amnesty process. South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission

The Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) was a court-like body assembled in South Africa after the end of Apartheid. Anybody who felt they had been a victim of violence could come forward and be heard at the TRC. Perpetrators of violence could also give testimony and request amnesty from prosecution.

The formal hearings began on 15 April 1996. The hearings made international news and many sessions were broadcast on national television. The TRC was a crucial component of the transition to full and free democracy in South Africa and, despite some flaws, is generally regarded as very successful.

Creation and Mandate the TRC was set up in terms of the Promotion of National Unity and Reconciliation Act, No 34 of 1995, and was based in Cape Town. The mandate of the commission was to bear witness to, record and in some cases grant amnesty to the perpetrators of crimes relating to human rights violations, reparation and rehabilitation.

The TRC has a number of high profile members: Archbishop Desmond Tutu (chairperson), Dr Alex Boraine (Deputy Chairperson), Mary Burton, Advocate Chris de Jager, Bongani Finca, Sisi Khampepe, Richard Lyster, Wynand Malan, Reverend Khoza Mgojo, Hlengiwe Mkhize, Dumisa Ntsebeza (head of the Investigative Unit), Wendy Orr, Advocate Denzil Potgieter, Mapule Ramashala, Dr Faizel Randera, Yasmin Sooka and Glenda Wildschut.

Committees

The work of the TRC was accomplished through three committees: Human Rights Violations (HRV) Committee investigated human rights abuses that took place between 1960 and 1994.

Reparation and Rehabilitation (R&R) Committee was charged with restoring victims' dignity and formulating proposals to assist with rehabilitation.

Amnesty Committee (AC) considered applications for amnesty that were requested in accordance with the provisions of the Act. I .In theory the commission was empowered to grant amnesty to those charged with atrocities during Apartheid as long as two conditions were met: The crimes were politically motivated and the entire and whole truth was told by the person seeking amnesty.

No one was exempt from being charged. As well as ordinary citizens, members of the police could be charged and, most notably, members of the African National Congress, the ruling party at the time of the trial, could also be charged. 5392 people were refused amnesty and 849 were granted amnesty, out of 7112 petitioners (there were a number of additional categories, such as withdrawn).

Findings the commission brought forth many witnesses giving testimony about the secret and immoral acts committed by the Apartheid Government, the liberation forces including the ANC, and other forces for violence that many say would not have come out into the open otherwise.

On October 28, 1998 the Commission presented its report, which condemned both sides for committing atrocities.

An apology that you never receive

An apology that you never receive

I have written about forgiveness.  In many instances a person says they have forgiven but in reality have not.  In normally goes in an order, someone apologises and the other person forgives and if you a bigger person, you will say you sorry also, cause nobody is guilt free.

If you have not received an apology and have forgiven that person, in essence you don’t need their apology.

If someone does not apologise to you, you will get a different perspective about that person.  It’s not a reflection on you.  Especially, if you have done nothing wrong.  

There might be a lot of reasons why that person has not apologised to you.  The first reason would be that the person does not see anything wrong with their actions.  Secondly they might think you are the responsible one for their actions.  That you have done something that might have caused them hurt and they lashed out at you for your actions.  In this case, there is a saying, “it takes two to make a fight”.  So in this instance, it’s essential for both parties to apologise and forgive in order to move on.

This would lead to accountability, not just one party but both, where both parties don’t take responsibilities, and blame it on the other.  Another saying, “there is no smoke without a fire”

Some people just don’t have the courage to face you, too apologise.

We don’t have control in these instances.  So to hold ourselves in this place of waiting for an apology makes absolutely no sense and prohibits us from living our best life.

I am the person that is not apologising for my actions.  I have been forgiven by this person but I don’t feel like I was forgiven.  Plus most importantly, I have not forgiven myself.

In the past I have apologised many times and have tried to learn from it by changing my behaviour. Generally I am the first person to say sorry. Usually the other person does not feel the need to reciprocate and they come up with reasons to justify their behaviour. They never take responsibility for their part.

They just showed me who they really are.

I will be friendly with them when the need arises, but at the back of my mind I will always remember and because I have forgiven them, with time and a lot of work, trust might be re-established. 

They say that forgiveness does not go hand in hand with trust, but there are many things that do go hand with forgiveness; one is showing compassion and understanding for the other person.  How can you truly forgive someone if you ended up doing the same thing that they did?  When you never let it go and always use it in one way or another, use it to justify your behaviour?

Only true forgiveness means that you also can forgive yourself, this enables you to leave the pain and resentment behind.

I have never wished that another person should apologise to me.  This is not my call to make.  This is the other person’s responsibility.  Yes I am hurt by their lack of apology, but I can still forgive them.

Someone not apologising to you ultimately is that person’s problem. Maybe they don’t know how, maybe they can’t see their wrong doing, or maybe they’re just scarred. None of the above is something that you can change aside from being a good example.

The final component to forgiveness is being able to carry on without ever having the other person say that they are sorry for what they have done to you.

Once we stop worrying about these people in ability to express remorse, for whatever reason, other people whom we can trust and love with all of our heart come forth out of the shadows that we were trying to bring light to.

You don’t need a person’s apology to move forward in life, there are too many variables involved to wait around for it before you proceed into the life of your dreams. Maybe one day they will make it all up to you.  Maybe one day they will apologise after they have enough life experiences under their belt. 

My question is, why wait for that? Release yourself and remember to apologise when you need to.  Let those that can’t accept personal responsibility help to remind you of what it feels like so you don’t do it to others. 

Someone not apologising for their actions and us responding by holding our own life hostage is the greater atrocity.

Shame

I look in the mirror, feel so much shame. 

It was my fault, I deserve all the blame. 

Just don't know what I was thinking, 

With all this shame, I feel like I'm sinking.

All the consequences, I completely deserve, 

Can't imagine, where I found the nerve, 

I just feel like the biggest fool, 

What I did, was simply not cool.

Your forgiveness, I earnestly plead, 

Without it, my heart won't be freed. 

Please forgive me, I miss you so much, 

Beautiful voice and your tender touch.

by AnitaPoems.com

The Box

© Peter Tamburrino

Published on April 2009

He ascended those stairs that day, why he did, he could not say.

But reached for that old dusty knob of his attic door insight.

A turn to the knob so gently,

Cautiously he made his entry, entry into the attic that night.

Among cobwebs, dust and in much wonder, a flash of lightning, a crack of thunder,

He lit a small candle to see a bag within his sight.

Inside a dark brown leather sack

Did he find a box so black, as black as it is at midnight.

His soul jumped, and it was frightening, while he gazed in awe during the lightning.

For in his hands was a black box containing his soul that night.

It was black as the midnight sea,

At his feet he found a key, a key to the box of fright.

In a cold sweat, and with a shudder, he turned the box during the thunder.

He pushed in the key and tried to turn, but the lock was too tight.

But as determined as he would,

He turned as hard as he could, he could with all his might.

He knows he is the key that unlocks his soul that resides in the black box.

Amid the lightning he saw his soul was full of sin that night.

The box full of sins he did,

It was filled up to the lid, the lid of the box that night.

So he took paper and found a pen, and recorded the sins he did often.

Tears in his eyes and sorrow in heart he began to write.

I'm sorry for what I have done,

I never meant to hurt anyone, anyone I have hurt any night.

So among the lightning and what wrote, he opened the box and slipped in the note.

For remission of his sins is what he clearly had insight.

And then he laid his head to rest,

For he knew forgiveness was best, best on this thunderous night.

And in the morning they found a dead man, with a note and a pen by his hand.

And on the note was written a poem that previous night.

"My heart is the key which unlocks

The deep dark secrets of my box, a box no longer black, but white."

Forgiveness, when we have hurt others

Recently I did something that I would never of done. I fought back and used mind games. It's against everything I was taught.

Something are just plain wrong and when you try and talk and explain the real situation and find that you are not been listened to, what does one do?

I was a victim of my situation, of my life, and he never let me forget.
He did help me through a lot of things, only I found myself becoming a victim of his, by the use of mind control. He demanded that I do certain things. I was in his control, but was I?

Everyone forgets, one has to be in a victim role first in order to become a survivor. Just be careful those who appear to want too help you, don't try and turn the situation to their own advantages so you become their next victim.

Please always remember it's your past experience what has shaped you, shaped you into the person you are today. Whither you become a better person for it,or whither you become a bitter person, the choice is entirely yours.

People must accept you as a whole package including the bad stuff,that ultimately made you into the person whom you are today. It's only with real love from the people around you that will help you deal with the pain of the past. Acceptance and belief is the greatest gift others can give you. It helps one become open to new experiences in the future. Nobody can erase their past. The past serves as a lesson for our future.

I was wrong please forgive me. I am much too blame as he is. Now the hardest part. To forgi

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

Think back to the last time somebody apologized to you about something. Did you forgive them? There is a very good chance that you did.

Now think back to the last time you harmed someone else. Have you forgiven yourself? Probably not.

We all make mistakes. Oftentimes, through our actions, somebody gets hurt
To forgive oneself is a lot harder than to forgive others.

Forgiving yourself is far more challenging than forgiving someone else because you must live with yourself and your thoughts 24/7. Despite the challenge, emotionally healthy people must have the capacity to forgive themselves when they have made a mistake.

When you forgive yourself, you are not pretending as though it never happened. On the contrary, you are acknowledging that your actions have consequences. But the consequences need not include self-inflicted negative feelings.

Not forgiving yourself is like picking at an open wound; you are only making a bad situation worse. The wound is already there, but you do have control over your reaction to it, and you can stop it from getting worse.
If you forgive yourself when you make a mistake, it’s easier to address the consequences of your action

How to Forgive Yourself Right Now

1. Accept yourself and your flaws.
Know that despite your flaws, you are okay as you are. Your flaws, rather than making you “less” of a person, are what make you who you are. What you think of as a defect actually makes you far more interesting to others.
You are not perfect. You make mistakes.
But you are also on a path of growth. Your mistakes and failures help you improve. As flawed as you may be, you must accept yourself, flaws and all, if you are to make progress in your life.

2. Remember that you are not a bad person.
You can do something wrong while still being a good person. A lot of guilt or shame can make you feel like there is something wrong with you.
Realize, right now, that there is a very big difference between doing a bad thing and being a bad person. Even when you do something that you regret, you most likely had a valid reason for doing it at the time (even if that reason doesn’t make rational sense).
You didn’t do something bad because you are a fundamentally bad person; there was an intent, or valid motivation, behind your action.

3. Talk to someone.
Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest. Talking to someone else about what is bothering you can have serious benefits.
•Another perspective. When you are upset at yourself, emotions can cloud your reasoning abilities. A friend will often point out a reason why you deserve to forgive yourself that you never would have seen.
•Social support. You always feel better when somebody else has your back. Knowing that other people are less critical of you then you are of yourself can be encouraging.
•Therapy. Professional help may be necessary or at least a good decision in some cases. If your self-hatred seems insurmountable, you might want to consider this.

4. Talk to your internal voice.
It can be useful to “personalize” your internal voice. Imagine that there is some other entity that is thinking your self-critical thoughts and have a conversation with them.
It might sound silly, but you should give this entity a name, which will reinforce the idea that this voice is separate from you.
During your “conversation” I want you to ask your internal, critical voice what its positive intention is. This voice is saying what it’s saying for a reason. It might be to protect you, to prevent you from making the same mistake again, or to help you improve in some way.
When you realize that your thoughts of guilt or shame are intended for your benefit, it becomes easier to forgive yourself. You can find another way to satisfy that positive intent while reducing your guilty feelings.

5. Do the best friend test.
Imagine your best friend had done exactly what you did and then came to you for advice. What would you tell them?
You would reassure them and tell them not to be so hard on themselves. You would tell them that everyone makes mistakes. You would tell them that they deserve to be forgiven.
Why can’t you say this to yourself?
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/learn-to-forgive-yourself-even-when-youve-hurt-someone-else/