The human condition involves a lot of trial
and error, learning hard lessons, and finding a way to manage in the greater
universe.
Life is hard, life can be easy when thing are
going on path. Struggling can lead us
down a path to the other side. There are
many ways we can deal with the challenges that are thrust on us. Our coping mechanism can either be
constructive or destructive.
Constructive dealing is the best way on how to deal. Destructive dealing can and will destroy our
lives if we let it.
People don’t like to admit that they are
doing the wrong thing, that what they doing are bad for them, but it’s the only
way they think that they can deal with things, go into lots of patterns, with
the negative outcome rooted in self-destructive behaviour.
Self-destructive behaviour often results from
guilt, shame and a need for self-inflected punishment. To that person the experience is very real to
them, they see it as a personal failure and they need to justify why they are
feeling bad.
There are different types of self-destructive
behaviour and the motivations are different.
Self-destructive behaviour can arise from
many different things.
It can be broken down into the following
categories.
Conceptual Behaviour
This includes metaphorical self-destructive
behaviour. A person deliberately destroys
their own image by sabotage. The outcome
is that they become social outcast or they push people away, until they are
completely isolated. They justify or self-validation why all their relations seem
to fail. Why they never are good enough. Basically it’s fulfilling a self-prophecy.
Literal Behaviour
This is taking physical action. It could be substance abuse, alcohol use,
self-injury, or other actions that cause physical harm or detriment.
Impulsive Behaviour
These have greater implications, and it’s
often an underlying impulse disorder, which are ADHD, OCD and other
impulse-related conditions. It’s when people are unwilling or unable to look at
a situation objectively. Their
passionate emotion makes them act without giving much thought on their actions.
Habitual Behaviour
This is born out of repeated and habitual
actions. The response is always the same
to certain type of situations. The more
that this response is used, the stronger the neural pathway in the brain
becomes. It’s not impossible to create
new pathways, but it does take forethought and effort.
This does not mean that you want to hurt
yourself, or that you are weak, or that you are a bad person. This is just a way of dealing. This could have resulted from an acute
trauma, a recurring trauma or a painful event, that you need to get through.
Coping mechanisms are great for that, and
often we don't have much choice in how or what we do to cope with a situation,
as coping mechanisms are generally reactive rather than proactive.
This applies to self-destructive behaviour as
coping mechanisms are often about doing whatever it takes to survive the
moment, consequences be damned. We take comfort where we can find it.
The self-destructive behaviour may also fill
a void or inadequacy in a person's ability to respond to a situation.
This is a good example of this
A person wants to end a romantic
relationship. We all know how painful
this can be. So instead of dealing with
the situation, the self-destructive say would be to drive that person way. So, a person never has to deal with the negative
emotions or that pain, when that person, just walks away.
Self-destructive behaviour can be explained
further by three distinct models, they are as follows:
Primary Self Destruction
Trade-off Model
Counterproductive Strategies
Primary Self-Destruction
This model is a choice made consciously with
the understanding that is will result in physical harm. It’s when someone harms themselves by either
cutting, burning or hitting, or other injuries to the body. This is a very powerful coping mechanism as
those who do this experience an endorphin rush after hurting themselves. It leads to a pervasive feeling of calm. It’s done because the person is unable to
adequately process and experience emotion, therefore turning to self-injury in
order to manage the overwhelming stress or pain. Just to feel something else, not to
continually feeling this deep pain, physical pain one can at least
understand. Some people take their own life’s
to end the unbearable pain.
This
model includes deliberately engaging in actions that result in physical harm.
The choice is made with a conscious understanding that it will result in
physical harm.
Trade-Off Model
This is when a person in order to obtain a
real or perceived benefit would resort to substance abuse. The person knows that drugs are harmful, but
will do it anyway, take the risk in order to receive the perceived benefit of
altering his or her feelings. The drugs
have a numbing effect and some drugs give the euphoric feeling. It’s a way to escape, it never solves the
issue at hand, or prevent a person feeling emotions in the future.
For those who do not know how to cope with
stress and become overwhelmed by it, many turn to substance abuse. This is
largely due to the numbing effect some drugs have, or the euphoric feeling that
other drugs induce. It is purely a way to escape the moment. However, it does
not solve the issue at hand, or prevent you from feeling the emotions in the
future.
Eating disorder falls into this model. This is used to control unbearable emotion or
pain, by intense controlling of the body.
Again the person is aware of the harm that it causes the body, but it
feels worthwhile having this control.
This method has long term implication, the body does not receive enough nutrition’s,
loss of bone, acid-erosion and damage to internal organs, that can lead to the
organs failing and the person will die.
Counterproductive Strategies
This is when a person feels awkward or
incapable of responding appropriately in a given situation, this leads to the
person’s confidence diminishing. In this
case, the decision is made without the forethought or insight of the harm it
could cause. This usually is a result of
poor self-esteem, negative self-appraisal, depression, and low personal
insight. A person sabotages him or
herself because they don’t believe that they are capable.
This is a list of examples of
self-destructive behaviour:
Avoiding responsibility
Over-sensitivity to criticism or feelings
Compulsive behaviour
Addictive behaviour
Pervasive pessimism
Excessive self-sacrifice
Abusive relationships
Letting yourself be taken advantage of
Co-dependency
Enabling others
Ignoring your health
Setting yourself up for failure
Substance abuse
Reckless or dangerous behaviour
Other people believe that people are doing
this for attention. More often it’s not
this act all. More than likely it’s a cry
for help or a symptom of a bigger issue.
These people become extremely isolated from others; they lack
self-confidence and have negative behaviours.
This makes the condition silent.
These people can change and it’s the most heart-breaking thing, when
others think they cannot. The change would
have to occur because that person wants to do it. People must be patient and when they are
ready, step in and help. The most
important thing is to make sure that these people know that they are loved and
that you are there to support them. For
this they don’t need to be ready to change their situation. Be loving and patient until your loved one is
able to gain new perspective.
I am one of these people, so writing this so
I do can get a better understanding.
People are always under the impression that they are the only ones to go
through something like this. People say
I can’t understand why another person would do this to themselves. I guess it’s hard for people to
understand, unless one has been in that position and in that situation.
Again it leads to compassion and
understanding. Love and acceptance is
very important in our lives.
So here goes to those and myself that have
this condition
You are worth loving
We belief that we deserve it in some way, and
you know we could not be further from the truth.
Whether a particular situation is your fault,
you are still a person worth loving and who deserves to not be in pain.
Self-destructive behaviours are not one-off.
Generally self-destructive behaviours occur in a pattern or cycle of events.
Take stock of the situation. What led to the self-destructive behaviour? What
led to that? How did you first learn of this behaviour? Why does this behaviour
help you? What are some alternative solutions to the situation?
Find somewhere for the baggage. This is a
general item. For some, turning to a higher power is effective. For others,
therapy is effective. And for still others activity is effective. Wherever you
decide to vent, find a safe space to put your thoughts and feelings without
judgment.
Work on stress management. A key to
effectively managing stress involves regular sleep, a healthy diet, and plenty
of exercise. Try to reduce caffeine intake and avoid drugs, alcohol, or
smoking. Keeping your body sharp goes a long way to improving your mood. When
your mood and body are in good shape, it is easier to manage stress.
Mentally rehearse. If you find yourself in a
frequently-occurring situation, take some time to mentally rehearse alternative
endings. What are other things you can say? What are other things you can do?
Ultimately you know what will happen if you continue making the same choices,
and they lead to harm and unhappiness. Mentally rehearsing alternative will
make it easier for you to utilize them in the moment.
Build your confidence. Because low
self-esteem is a core component of self-destructive behaviour, it is important
to boost your self-image. There are many ways to build confidence. Take up a
hobby that you excel at. Keep a journal and record difficult situations. Use
the journal to review and mentally rehearse, and then keep track of your
progress. Find something to be proud of.
Confidence and self-esteem will improve your
general well-being as well as increase your ability to cope with stress. Be
patient with yourself. This stuff is HARD you. It takes a lot a lot a lot of practice.
Recognize and validate your steps, however small they may be.
What to Do If Your Loved One Is
Self-Destructive
Nothing is more frustrating than watching
someone on a spiral of self-destruction. We've all seen it at one point or
another, whether it's skipping class or work, drinking too much, hanging out
with the wrong crowd.
What can you do to help your loved one when
he or she is engaging in self-destructive behaviour?
Love him or her unconditionally. Love isn't
always easy, but your loved one needs to know that you are there for him or her
no matter what. When he or she is ready, you need to be there.
Voice your concern. This comes with a grain
of salt. There's a difference between voicing your concern and berating them.
Instead of "why do you keep making these stupid decisions!?" consider
saying "I've noticed that you've missed a lot of days of work this month.
Is everything okay?" In this way, you've voiced the concern about the
behaviour without being judgmental. Asking if he or she is okay expresses your
care and concern. In this way, you can objectively point out your observations
without fuelling the flame.
Disassemble the pattern. Because most
self-destructive behaviour is part of, or the symptom of a pattern, help your
loved one take it apart, bit-by-bit. By examining all angles, your loved one
may be able to realize a new perspective.
Help him or her practice the situation - what
to say or do, so that he or she can change the pattern.
What triggers the
pattern or cycle?
What is the outcome?
What is the desired outcome? How can you make
that happen?
Be a resource. We all aren't expected to be
experts when it comes to this, and it's perfectly okay to feel like it is
bigger than you can help with. What you can do is to look up therapists,
information, and resources for your loved one to pursue. Offer a ride or to
make the first call with your loved one.
Know your limits. You certainly don't want to
get sucked in to the cycle, and as such it is important to recognize your
limitations, and to step away if needed.
This doesn't mean you're abandoning your
loved one, rather it means that you will become a resource for that person
rather than the direct solution. It is also important to not burn out. This can
be heavy stuff and you won't be able to help your loved one if you can't take
care of yourself.
What NOT To Do For Someone Who Is Self-Destructive:
While there are many ways to help someone or you
in regards to self-destructive behaviours, there are also things to avoid that
are harmful. Don't be a dick - Seriously, we all go through some serious shit
and sometimes we just need someone to be there.
Don't be judgmental - we all experience
things differently and everyone has a right to his or her own feelings.
Don't blame us - trust me, we already feel
badly enough about our actions - we don't need your reassurance that it's our
fault.
Don't pull the rug out - even if you aren't
able to help, find a way to extract yourself from the situation in a way that
your loved one feels supported, rather than abandoned.
Stay calm - don't give in to high emotions.
Be a steady support.
Your pain is not his or her pain - Even if
you have experienced a similar event, your experience will not be identical to
someone else's experience. While sharing your story could be helpful in
illustrating how you overcame the situation, make sure that it's not all about
you.
Don't tell him or her how he or she should
feel.
Don't say "if I can do it, anyone
can." - This is incredibly invalidating
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
How to Manage Self-Destructive Impulses
The other element to self-destructive behaviour
is how impulsive behaviour plays in to destructive behaviour. Impulses refer to
an uncontrollable urge to engage in behaviour. Often impulsive behaviours are
made with little to no regard for the outcome of the situation. With little to
no forethought, it is easy to make decisions that result in harm because you
did not think through your behaviour before acting upon the impulse.
It can be hard to slow down impulsive
thinking and it is possible to do so.
Practice is essential. As referred to above, mentally rehearsing
situations you find yourself in frequently may help prime your brain to engage
in alternative decision-making. Find ways to insert time in to your response -
count to three before answering, take a deep breath, whatever helps you regain
control.
For specific impulse-disorders such as ADHD
or OCD, therapy and medication treatment can help tame the impulses enough that
you are able to slow your thinking down.
Finally, having clear guidelines and planned
coping strategies is vital. While it may seem silly to practice these skills
when you are not upset, practice will allow you to make a different decision or
use a coping skill more automatically, rather than relying on your previously
established coping mechanism.
Your Worth
Published on November 2012
They say never give up,
Never give in,
Keep fighting that fight,
So
the devil doesn't win.
Through the hurt and the pain,
The sorrow and the
shame,
The one thing you need to remember,
Is that tomorrow is never the
same.
Hold on to your hopes and dreams,
For your fears are less than
they seem,
So to all of those who feel like they are losing the fight,
And
to those who feel like there is no hope in sight,
Take a minute to look at
the sky
And remember that there's something
Out there bigger than you and
I.
Just like today,
The sun will shine again,
Through the clouds
and the rain,
The sun still remains,
And all the darkness will fade
away.
So hold your head high,
And feel the warmth,
It may remind
you,
What you are truly worth.
No comments:
Post a Comment