Dealing in a destructive manner

The human condition involves a lot of trial and error, learning hard lessons, and finding a way to manage in the greater universe.

Life is hard, life can be easy when thing are going on path.  Struggling can lead us down a path to the other side.  There are many ways we can deal with the challenges that are thrust on us.  Our coping mechanism can either be constructive or destructive.  Constructive dealing is the best way on how to deal.  Destructive dealing can and will destroy our lives if we let it.

People don’t like to admit that they are doing the wrong thing, that what they doing are bad for them, but it’s the only way they think that they can deal with things, go into lots of patterns, with the negative outcome rooted in self-destructive behaviour.

Self-destructive behaviour often results from guilt, shame and a need for self-inflected punishment.  To that person the experience is very real to them, they see it as a personal failure and they need to justify why they are feeling bad.

There are different types of self-destructive behaviour and the motivations are different.

Self-destructive behaviour can arise from many different things.

It can be broken down into the following categories.

Conceptual Behaviour

This includes metaphorical self-destructive behaviour.  A person deliberately destroys their own image by sabotage.  The outcome is that they become social outcast or they push people away, until they are completely isolated. They justify or self-validation why all their relations seem to fail.  Why they never are good enough.  Basically it’s fulfilling a self-prophecy.

Literal Behaviour

This is taking physical action.  It could be substance abuse, alcohol use, self-injury, or other actions that cause physical harm or detriment.

Impulsive Behaviour

These have greater implications, and it’s often an underlying impulse disorder, which are ADHD, OCD and other impulse-related conditions. It’s when people are unwilling or unable to look at a situation objectively.  Their passionate emotion makes them act without giving much thought on their actions.

Habitual Behaviour

This is born out of repeated and habitual actions.  The response is always the same to certain type of situations.  The more that this response is used, the stronger the neural pathway in the brain becomes.  It’s not impossible to create new pathways, but it does take forethought and effort.

This does not mean that you want to hurt yourself, or that you are weak, or that you are a bad person.  This is just a way of dealing.  This could have resulted from an acute trauma, a recurring trauma or a painful event, that you need to get through.

Coping mechanisms are great for that, and often we don't have much choice in how or what we do to cope with a situation, as coping mechanisms are generally reactive rather than proactive.

This applies to self-destructive behaviour as coping mechanisms are often about doing whatever it takes to survive the moment, consequences be damned. We take comfort where we can find it.

The self-destructive behaviour may also fill a void or inadequacy in a person's ability to respond to a situation.

This is a good example of this

A person wants to end a romantic relationship.  We all know how painful this can be.  So instead of dealing with the situation, the self-destructive say would be to drive that person way.  So, a person never has to deal with the negative emotions or that pain, when that person, just walks away.

Self-destructive behaviour can be explained further by three distinct models, they are as follows:

Primary Self Destruction

Trade-off Model

Counterproductive Strategies

Primary Self-Destruction

This model is a choice made consciously with the understanding that is will result in physical harm.  It’s when someone harms themselves by either cutting, burning or hitting, or other injuries to the body.  This is a very powerful coping mechanism as those who do this experience an endorphin rush after hurting themselves.  It leads to a pervasive feeling of calm.  It’s done because the person is unable to adequately process and experience emotion, therefore turning to self-injury in order to manage the overwhelming stress or pain.   Just to feel something else, not to continually feeling this deep pain, physical pain one can at least understand.  Some people take their own life’s to end the unbearable pain.  

This model includes deliberately engaging in actions that result in physical harm. The choice is made with a conscious understanding that it will result in physical harm.

Trade-Off Model 

This is when a person in order to obtain a real or perceived benefit would resort to substance abuse.  The person knows that drugs are harmful, but will do it anyway, take the risk in order to receive the perceived benefit of altering his or her feelings.  The drugs have a numbing effect and some drugs give the euphoric feeling.  It’s a way to escape, it never solves the issue at hand, or prevent a person feeling emotions in the future.

For those who do not know how to cope with stress and become overwhelmed by it, many turn to substance abuse. This is largely due to the numbing effect some drugs have, or the euphoric feeling that other drugs induce. It is purely a way to escape the moment. However, it does not solve the issue at hand, or prevent you from feeling the emotions in the future.

Eating disorder falls into this model.  This is used to control unbearable emotion or pain, by intense controlling of the body.  Again the person is aware of the harm that it causes the body, but it feels worthwhile having this control.  This method has long term implication, the body does not receive enough nutrition’s, loss of bone, acid-erosion and damage to internal organs, that can lead to the organs failing and the person will die.

Counterproductive Strategies

This is when a person feels awkward or incapable of responding appropriately in a given situation, this leads to the person’s confidence diminishing.  In this case, the decision is made without the forethought or insight of the harm it could cause.  This usually is a result of poor self-esteem, negative self-appraisal, depression, and low personal insight.  A person sabotages him or herself because they don’t believe that they are capable.

This is a list of examples of self-destructive behaviour:

  Avoiding responsibility

  Over-sensitivity to criticism or feelings

  Compulsive behaviour

  Addictive behaviour

  Pervasive pessimism

  Excessive self-sacrifice

  Abusive relationships

  Letting yourself be taken advantage of

  Co-dependency

  Enabling others

  Ignoring your health

  Setting yourself up for failure

  Substance abuse

  Reckless or dangerous behaviour

Other people believe that people are doing this for attention.  More often it’s not this act all.  More than likely it’s a cry for help or a symptom of a bigger issue.  These people become extremely isolated from others; they lack self-confidence and have negative behaviours.  This makes the condition silent.  These people can change and it’s the most heart-breaking thing, when others think they cannot.  The change would have to occur because that person wants to do it.  People must be patient and when they are ready, step in and help.  The most important thing is to make sure that these people know that they are loved and that you are there to support them.  For this they don’t need to be ready to change their situation.  Be loving and patient until your loved one is able to gain new perspective.

I am one of these people, so writing this so I do can get a better understanding.  People are always under the impression that they are the only ones to go through something like this.  People say I can’t understand why another person would do this to themselves.  I guess it’s hard for people to understand, unless one has been in that position and in that situation.

Again it leads to compassion and understanding.  Love and acceptance is very important in our lives.

So here goes to those and myself that have this condition

You are worth loving

We belief that we deserve it in some way, and you know we could not be further from the truth.

Whether a particular situation is your fault, you are still a person worth loving and who deserves to not be in pain.

Self-destructive behaviours are not one-off. Generally self-destructive behaviours occur in a pattern or cycle of events. Take stock of the situation. What led to the self-destructive behaviour? What led to that? How did you first learn of this behaviour? Why does this behaviour help you? What are some alternative solutions to the situation?

Find somewhere for the baggage. This is a general item. For some, turning to a higher power is effective. For others, therapy is effective. And for still others activity is effective. Wherever you decide to vent, find a safe space to put your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Work on stress management. A key to effectively managing stress involves regular sleep, a healthy diet, and plenty of exercise. Try to reduce caffeine intake and avoid drugs, alcohol, or smoking. Keeping your body sharp goes a long way to improving your mood. When your mood and body are in good shape, it is easier to manage stress.

Mentally rehearse. If you find yourself in a frequently-occurring situation, take some time to mentally rehearse alternative endings. What are other things you can say? What are other things you can do? Ultimately you know what will happen if you continue making the same choices, and they lead to harm and unhappiness. Mentally rehearsing alternative will make it easier for you to utilize them in the moment.

Build your confidence. Because low self-esteem is a core component of self-destructive behaviour, it is important to boost your self-image. There are many ways to build confidence. Take up a hobby that you excel at. Keep a journal and record difficult situations. Use the journal to review and mentally rehearse, and then keep track of your progress. Find something to be proud of.

Confidence and self-esteem will improve your general well-being as well as increase your ability to cope with stress. Be patient with yourself. This stuff is HARD you. It takes a lot a lot a lot of practice. Recognize and validate your steps, however small they may be.

What to Do If Your Loved One Is Self-Destructive

Nothing is more frustrating than watching someone on a spiral of self-destruction. We've all seen it at one point or another, whether it's skipping class or work, drinking too much, hanging out with the wrong crowd.

What can you do to help your loved one when he or she is engaging in self-destructive behaviour?

Love him or her unconditionally. Love isn't always easy, but your loved one needs to know that you are there for him or her no matter what. When he or she is ready, you need to be there.

Voice your concern. This comes with a grain of salt. There's a difference between voicing your concern and berating them. Instead of "why do you keep making these stupid decisions!?" consider saying "I've noticed that you've missed a lot of days of work this month. Is everything okay?" In this way, you've voiced the concern about the behaviour without being judgmental. Asking if he or she is okay expresses your care and concern. In this way, you can objectively point out your observations without fuelling the flame.

Disassemble the pattern. Because most self-destructive behaviour is part of, or the symptom of a pattern, help your loved one take it apart, bit-by-bit. By examining all angles, your loved one may be able to realize a new perspective.

Help him or her practice the situation - what to say or do, so that he or she can change the pattern.

What triggers the pattern or cycle? 

What is the outcome?

What is the desired outcome? How can you make that happen?

Be a resource. We all aren't expected to be experts when it comes to this, and it's perfectly okay to feel like it is bigger than you can help with. What you can do is to look up therapists, information, and resources for your loved one to pursue. Offer a ride or to make the first call with your loved one.

Know your limits. You certainly don't want to get sucked in to the cycle, and as such it is important to recognize your limitations, and to step away if needed.

This doesn't mean you're abandoning your loved one, rather it means that you will become a resource for that person rather than the direct solution. It is also important to not burn out. This can be heavy stuff and you won't be able to help your loved one if you can't take care of yourself.

What NOT To Do For Someone Who Is Self-Destructive:

While there are many ways to help someone or you in regards to self-destructive behaviours, there are also things to avoid that are harmful. Don't be a dick - Seriously, we all go through some serious shit and sometimes we just need someone to be there.

Don't be judgmental - we all experience things differently and everyone has a right to his or her own feelings.

Don't blame us - trust me, we already feel badly enough about our actions - we don't need your reassurance that it's our fault.

Don't pull the rug out - even if you aren't able to help, find a way to extract yourself from the situation in a way that your loved one feels supported, rather than abandoned.

Stay calm - don't give in to high emotions. Be a steady support.

Your pain is not his or her pain - Even if you have experienced a similar event, your experience will not be identical to someone else's experience. While sharing your story could be helpful in illustrating how you overcame the situation, make sure that it's not all about you.

Don't tell him or her how he or she should feel.

Don't say "if I can do it, anyone can." - This is incredibly invalidating

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

How to Manage Self-Destructive Impulses

The other element to self-destructive behaviour is how impulsive behaviour plays in to destructive behaviour. Impulses refer to an uncontrollable urge to engage in behaviour. Often impulsive behaviours are made with little to no regard for the outcome of the situation. With little to no forethought, it is easy to make decisions that result in harm because you did not think through your behaviour before acting upon the impulse.

It can be hard to slow down impulsive thinking and it is possible to do so.

Practice is essential.   As referred to above, mentally rehearsing situations you find yourself in frequently may help prime your brain to engage in alternative decision-making. Find ways to insert time in to your response - count to three before answering, take a deep breath, whatever helps you regain control.

For specific impulse-disorders such as ADHD or OCD, therapy and medication treatment can help tame the impulses enough that you are able to slow your thinking down.

Finally, having clear guidelines and planned coping strategies is vital. While it may seem silly to practice these skills when you are not upset, practice will allow you to make a different decision or use a coping skill more automatically, rather than relying on your previously established coping mechanism.

Your Worth

© Caitlyn Morton more by Caitlyn Morton

Published on November 2012

They say never give up,

Never give in,

Keep fighting that fight,

So the devil doesn't win. 

Through the hurt and the pain, 

The sorrow and the shame, 

The one thing you need to remember, 

Is that tomorrow is never the same. 

Hold on to your hopes and dreams,

For your fears are less than they seem,

So to all of those who feel like they are losing the fight,

And to those who feel like there is no hope in sight, 

Take a minute to look at the sky

And remember that there's something 

Out there bigger than you and I. 

Just like today, 

The sun will shine again, 

Through the clouds and the rain, 

The sun still remains, 

And all the darkness will fade away. 

So hold your head high,

And feel the warmth,

It may remind you,

What you are truly worth.

How to deal constructively

This is a very difficult subject to address.  Everyone deals in a different way.  Some have better ways of dealing with things.  Then of course it’s what cards are dealt to us and how we make the best of any given situation.

Some people have it all, they smart, beautiful and successful and everything seems to fall in their laps. Other people have to continually fight to deal with every day ups and downs.

People are essential in a person life.  We are not meant to be alone. We need people in our lives.  There are always good people and bad people, not that bad people are bad, it’s just they can be toxic and difficult to deal with.  These people cause stress and their continually negativity could make it hard for us to deal.

Dealing with difficult people requires one to use emotional intelligence.  Emotional intelligence offers you as a person the stability to help you deal and cope.

Trying to please everyone is impossible.  Nor always meet all of their expectations.  I guess the trick is to rise above this and try and maintain some distance with people that expect too much.

Too many people make mountains out of nothing.  They go on and on.  Every situation that arises has a solution, the solution might not be apparent, but after giving some consideration to the problems, a solution will present itself, or someone else might offer the solution.   A person needs to deal with whatever complications and come up with a solution.

Knowing one’s own strength and weakness is very important.  Acknowledge one’s own limit.  Become more self-aware of your flaws and how to deal with it.  This self-awareness will help you deal with stress that arises from your limitations and flaws.

Life experience is the best teacher.  Problems not dealt with can give birth to other problems.  People that are willing to give others second chances learn how to protect themselves from the experience that they have learned from.  They say they forgive but will never forget.

Dealing with people that are full of criticisms and negativity, people don’t have to listen to these people, nor engage themselves in these conversations that will create tension and stir negative emotions.

People should avoid getting themselves in a verbal fight, there are those difficult people have the ability to just cause trouble.  Rather let it go.  You don’t have to respond to every negative emotion that people stir, rather walk away than take the bait.

Count ones blessing daily, enjoy your life, and be happy and content.  Seek joy from within oneself other than having to rely on others to give satisfaction and happiness.

People need a descent night sleep.  Enough sleep reduces stress levels, and it helps them keep them positive, creative and proactive for the next day.  It’s amazing what a good night of sleep does for one, sleep recharges a person.

Support system is very good to have.  Have people that admire you and support you through difficult times.  People that think more like you do.  People that don’t hold a grudges and when they forgive you, they really forgive you.  Sometimes they even show you where you have gone wrong.  This means that people must be open to communication, even if its things you don’t want to hear.  Honesty is very important in any given relationship.  Lies can do so much damage.

Don’t concentrate on things that out of your control rather focus on things that you can have an influence on.  Don’t get involved in other people’s complicated situation.  Don’t always think that everything is out of your control either.  Don’t just give up with up without evening trying first.

Forgiveness is a must, forgive yourself first, go easy on yourself, and forgive others.  Forgiveness does not mean that you have not forgotten, but compassion for others comes in handy to deal with these people after.  Everyone makes mistakes and if you let what they did, hang between you, in truth you have never really forgiven them, even though you have said that you “forgive”.

People must be able to distance themselves from stressful situation; again this is a hard task, for example; leave work at work and don’t bring home trouble to work either.  Once away from work concentrate on just enjoying time at home with family, friends, the children and the pets.  It’s very important to recharge in a friendly environment.

Life Is For Living

Submitted By: Cage

Life is a gift we're given each and every day. 

Dream about tomorrow, but live for today. 

To live a little, you've got to love a whole lot. 

Love turns the ordinary into the extraordinary. 

Life's a journey always worth taking. 

Take time to smell the roses... and tulips... 

and daffodils... and lilacs... and sunflowers... 

Count blessings like children count stars. 

The secret of a happy life isn't buried in a 

treasure chest... it lies within your heart. 

It's the little moments that make life big. 

Don't wait. Make memories today. 

Celebrate your life!

Author: Unknown  

Understanding Chronic pain

One needs to understand what chronic pain is. Chronic pain persists over a long period of time and is usually resistant to medical treatment. Acute pain, is a response to a specific injury, and is usually treatable.

Chronic pain can be related to a number of medical conditions, diabetes, arthritis, migraine, fibromyalgia, cancer, shingles, sciatica and from previous trauma or injury. Environmental and/or psychological factors, chronic pain can worsen.

Pain management is there to provide relief of pain and improve an individual’s level of functioning in daily activities.

There are a number of medications that have been used in pain management. These are acetaminophen, ibuprofen, aspirin, COX-S inhibitors, anti-migraine medications, sedatives, opioids, and antidepressants.

There is nonmedical treatment in pain management. These include exercise, physical therapy, counselling, electrical stimulation, biofeedback, acupuncture, hypnosis, chiropractic medicine, and other treatment.

SOURCE:
MedTerms.com. Chronic pain

Chronic pain usually is accompanied by other symptoms that result from the continual pain. These can include insomnia or poor quality sleep, irritability, depression which includes mood changes, anxiety, fatigue and a loss of interest in daily routine. Pain can also trigger muscle spasms that will lead to soreness or stiffness.

This is a very interesting bit of information. Pain can become worse because of a “wind-up phenomenon” that causes untreated pain to get worse. Nerve fibres transmitting the painful impulse to the brain actually become “trained” to deliver pain signals better.

The intensity of the signals increase well above the need to get the person’s attention and to make matters worse the brain becomes more sensitive to the pain. In other words, the pain worsens though the injury or illness has not progressed. In other words, this signal is no longer helpful.

The goal when a patient consults a doctor is that the cause of their pain is found so a cure can be found, so the patient can resume a normal life, without being on medication or further professional health care.

There are many illnesses that have no know cures, especially illnesses such as diabetes and high blood pressure which is usually long time illnesses. Medication is often needed for the rest of the person life.

Understanding that chronic pain is no different from diabetes or high blood pressure. A person cannot be said to be addictive because they need pain medicine for the rest of their lives any more than a diabetic could be said to be addicted to insulin. 

The brain localises pain that is from the skin or muscles, this is somatic pain, and that pain is usually resolved quiet quickly. Somatic pain can be treated with non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs such as ibuprofen or naproxen or with Tylenol, sometimes opioids can be used.

Some people that develop pain that never goes away, fibromyalgia and chronic back pain full into this category.

Depending where the pain originates from can makes it difficult for a person pinpoint where exactly is the pain. The connections from pain sensor in the internal organs to the brain are less sophisticated than the nerve connections from the skin and muscles. Gallbladder problems can cause pain to the right shoulder. Visceral pain is from acid indigestion or constipation and very easy to recognise. Visceral pain is very easy to treat with over the counter medication. Visceral pain from gallstones or appendicitis can be treated with surgery.

Pain in the bones from a bruise or a fracture is temporary. Pain from bone cancer, osteoporosis (softening of the bones that often appears in older people), osteomyelitis (an infection in a bone), or arthritis (inflammation of the joints) can last a long time. 

Muscle spasm, such as charley horse or cramp, can cause severe pain especially in the back. Pain medication alone may not be able to resolve the pain. Muscle relaxants such as cyclobenzaprine (Flexeril) or baclofen (Lioresal) may be needed to relax the muscles 

All pain comes from nerves. Nerves transmit painful impulse to the brain. Not all pain arrives from nerve ending but from irritation along the length of the nerve. Sciatica is caused by the pinching of the sciatic nerve, which goes from the leg to the spine. The pinching takes place near the lower part of the spine but the pain is perceived as coming from the nerve ending in the leg as the pain is usually felt in the legs. 

This is called peripheral neuropath. Another peripheral neuropath is from ruptured discs in the spines, which pinches nerves. Common diseases that often cause peripheral neuropathy are diabetes and AIDS. 

Nerve pain can feel like a painful "pins and needles" sensation. This kind of nerve pain can be treated with tricyclic antidepressants. Other, more severe nerve pain can be described as a sharp, stabbing, electric feeling. Anti-convulsants (medicines that treat seizures) can be used for this kind of nerve pain.

Some nerve pain is due to loss of a limb. The arm or leg that has been amputated feels like it's still present, and hurts severely. This kind of nerve pain, called differentiation, or "phantom limb pain," can be treated with clonidine (Catapres) (a blood pressure medicine that also relieves nerve pain). 

Does chronic pain affect the body as well as the brain?

Growing up, my mother installed in her daughters, the hatred of doctors.  My mother got polio when she was just three years old.  She had numerous operations and was in hospital for a very long time.  It’s no wonder why she hated doctors so much.  My mother was in a teaching hospital, and the interns would do their regular morning rounds with a doctor.  The doctor would ask the interns, why my mother was there and was the diagnoses was, and what the treatment was.  My mother was so used to this, she knew the answer by then, and the doctor would say to the interns, shame on you, even a kid knows the answers.

My mother would refer to everything being muscular; I guess she was so used to that, growing up as a kid, because polio attacks the muscles.

Growing up as children we would often think that it was in our minds.  All my sister and I would withhold going to the doctor.

My eldest sister has a very bad back, not sure if this conditions is inherited or for other reasons.  She has had several operations on her back.  The last operation was over a year ago.  Everyone tells her that she should be fine by now and she should not be experiencing chronic back pain.

She had been putting of going to the doctor, in a way not sure, if this back pain was in her mind.  She knew a MIR was necessary and she also knew that the medical aid would not be willing to pay so soon after the first MIR.

Finally she did go to a doctor, and the doctor put her on medication that was for mind control, now with my sister, that is the wrong thing to tell her as she already thinks that it is in her mind already.

It’s a fairly new treatment that they are trying, for some people it works.  What they mean by mind control, the drug prevents messages reaching the brain, the brain no longer receives the messages from the parts that are sending the message, in the case of my sister, and it was her lower back.  The drug did not help very much with the pain but what my sister did find she could think clearer than she normally used to do.

When we are in pain, it's hard to think about anything else. The pain takes over; we turn inward. Daily tasks such as getting dressed or making dinner take a great deal more effort. It's hard to stay focused and proceed from one step to the next.

What happens then to someone with chronic pain? Does the continual presence of pain change the brain both physiological and anatomically?  If so, are these changes reversible? A recent article(link is external) in the Journal of Neuroscience suggests that the answer to both of these questions may be yes.

In this study, eighteen adult patients with chronic low back pain were studied. The investigators performed functional MRIs on the patients before and six months after they received treatment for their pain. During this same period, brain scans were also taken from sixteen healthy, control participants. The investigators found several areas of the cerebral cortex that were thinner in patients than in controls, including a region in the frontal cortex called the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC). This area may play a role both in pain modulation and in the performance of attention-demanding, cognitive tasks.

During the brain scans, participants performed a cognitive task which consisted of distinguishing a visual target from other characters. Although patients and controls performed the task equally well, the patients showed more activation of several brain regions including the DLPFC. Since pain is an attention -demanding process, the patients may have had to exert extra effort to stay focused on the task, and this effort may have been reflected in increased brain activity.

After treatment, (spinal surgery or joint block), the majority of patients experienced pain relief. Strikingly, the thickness of the DLPFC increased in every patients who reported an improvement in his or her pain, while the DLPFC did not show an increase in thickness in two out of the three patients who did not respond to treatment. Patients whose pain had subsided also activated the DPLFC to a smaller extent when performing the cognitive task. Indeed, activation of this area now resembled that of control subjects.

When an individual recovers from chronic pain, it's not only the body that recovers. The brain recovers too.

Finally my sister medical aid agreed to another MIR, they did find another problem, they are not so sure on the treatment plan, and they are doing numerous test, which are very expensive.  I know that this brings huge relieve to her, as feeling that the pain is all in her mind, is terrible to feel this way.  Also the fear of another back operation.

Never Doubt [yourself]

Someone believes in you

Never ever flinch

Someone is waiting for you

Never ever cringe

When they are looking

That means they like what they see

When you noticed them listening

You have something interesting to say

When they laugh

You make them happy

When they talk about you

Be glad that they have time for you

When they take something from you

That means they treasure what you own

When they say they love you

Never doubt; they may mean what they say

When someone says they care about you

Give them a chance; you may miss out 

Kay Barcelon

Why should religion have an impact on a relationship?

Why should religion have an impact on a relationship?  People should respect other people’s believes.  People in a relationship should have a clear understanding of how and why their partner’s faith is important to them.  Like all subjects, religion, people should be able to discuss with their partner’s why their faith matters to them, and how it effects their life’s

Religion choices are usually dictated to us by our parents.  Whatever religion our parents adopted, is the religion we will follow.  How our parents handled their religion would be how we would. 

I look how religion affected me growing up.  My father placed no value on religion, but he always respected my mother’s religion. My mother’s religion was Methodist at first; I guess that is the religion that her parents followed.  As time went on, it was the Catholic Church that inspired my mother. It was the Catholic priest that took the time to visit my mother, in hospital, when she was a little girl.  Let me explain my mother’s life for you, so you can have a better understanding.

When my mother was about three years old, she got polio, in those days, many children died.  The doctors did not know about polio in those days, that muscles affected by the illness could be kept alive by the simple method of keep those affected muscles warm.  My mother was in hospital for a very long time.  Many times they thought she would die.  She went through many operations, where they cut out the dead muscles.  They put her in a body cast.  She could only lie on her back and stare at the ceiling.  Her mother taught her to read at the age of four.  The Catholic priest also visited my mother, for the priest, my mother’s religion had no bearing on his visits.  He saw a little girl that needed attention.  I know that the priest never tried to convert my mother.

Later on in my mother’s life, the Catholic priest came back into her life.  Again the priest came and just talked to my mother.  My mother was in a wheel chair, and could not drive a car.  The few friends my mother had were amazing; they would come and fetch her and take her to their house, or take her to have her hair done.  My mother was not always in a wheelchair, she wore catapults on both legs, with special shoes attached to the bottom of them.  One day the dog, jumped up at her, she fall and useable muscles in her legs were damaged. 

My parents were not rich people, and for a while my mother got around on a piano stool, that had wheels on the legs.  You know coming to think of it, I never gave it a thought how my parents took care of us children.  They send us to a Catholic Convent, not because of the religion, but because it was a private school and the education level was much higher than the government schools.  The sacrifices they made for us.

My father had no religion; he never took my mother to church.  The visits from the priest, the kindness he showed her.  This is what convinced my mother to change her religion, and become a Catholic.  The priest would come once a week and hold a mass for her.

My mother insisted that all her children convert also.  Even though we all went to a catholic school, we were never made to take part in the religion lessons or attend church.  I never gave it one minute thought about converting, religion had never played a part in my life before, and I just went with what my mother wanted.

When my eldest daughter was born and I wanted to have her baptised in the Catholic Church.  There was no opening for to be baptised for a while.  They were booked for a while with christenings.  As soon as the priest learned that I was a single mother, he arranged for my daughter to be baptised immediately.  This is something I did not like about the Catholic Church; they believe that the child is born with the sins of the parents.  I had a hard time in understanding this belief.  Though I think it came from Adam and Eve, when sin was first brought to this earth that all babies would then be born with sins, because of Adam and Eve.

When my second daughter was born several years later, I never got her baptised in the Catholic Church.  I was much older then, and I decided, I will let my children decide what religion they would follow.

Today, both my daughters today don’t follow any religion or go to church.  They are good people, and have very good values, and personally I feel this is all that one needs these days.

I, myself don’t follow or practise religion.  Yes, I do believe in God and try and live my life the way God wants me to.  When I look at people that practise and follow a religion, my heart grows heavy with sadness.  You would think that because these people do have a religion, they would be better people.  Not so, it seems that they don’t practice what is preached to them.  Hurting other people and not helping others, seems to be the trend these days.  People lack of compassion for others, they hold grudges and rarely do they forgive another people.

There is no religion that is better than another religion.  Why religion could have an impact on others, not because of the religion itself, but because of the way religion is practised by individuals.  Those few individuals that actually practised what is the bible:  practise their religion by going out and doing good deeds, these people inspire others to follow their certain religion.

Oh how I hate those people, that don’t even practise their own religion, and then they make such an issue of theirs partner’s religion, because it different from their own.  All of a sudden religion matters to them? Why?  It’s beyond my understanding.  If your partner has a different religion and you don’t even follow your own, why must this become a problem?  Even if people did follow their religion, have very strong beliefs, why must this be a problem?

Explore your own religious identity.  . Take the time to remember your past – your childhood, your family, the moment you decided to pursue your faith regardless of what your parents or friends told you to do. Have you had any life-changing religious experiences? After reflecting and remembering these things, take a serious inventory of life as it is now. Find the most important aspects of your faith, the practices that mean the most to you, and the “deal-breakers” you have, if any.

Once both people in a relationship have examined their religious identities, it’s time for discussion. While discussions about religion can be uncomfortable, emotional, and downright antagonistic at times, letting these issues simmer will only cause trouble. In that regard, it’s no different from other potentially difficult issues. Unlike some other issues, religious differences can take a longer time to resolve.

Another useful thing to do is to separate your culture and your religion. Are you attached to a practice because you remember it fondly from your upbringing, or because your faith is a part of that practice? Prayers before bed, coming of age ceremonies, and more are often regarded as religious activities. They are often still practiced by people who do not consider themselves very religious. It’s important to know where you stand. If your diet or your morning routine is things you’ve done all your life but don’t impact your beliefs, could you give them up for the sake of the relationship? Or, do you truly believe those things are necessary for your spiritual growth?

Realize that if a compromise is reached, it must be one that will not cause either partner to resent the other. Having core beliefs challenged is difficult for everybody – remember that in conversation about these issues. You’re in a relationship with your partner for a reason. Remembering why you love them in the difficult moments will bring you back to a healthy, non-destructive perspective. Though hard, it is possible to have honest anger or frustration while still loving somebody. Our culture demonizes anger, but healthy couples understand how to express it without harming their partner.

When you discuss the differences in religion, share the stories you took the time to remember and reflect upon. As Mr Rogers, perhaps the kindest and wisest man America has seen, said, “It’s hard not to like somebody once you know their story.” Sometimes the people we love are the hardest people to like. You may discover a new facet of your partner that is beautiful and strong. It may not be easy to understand, and you may have a hard time relating to it, but spiritual intimacy adds new depth to a relationship. You knew before how they relate to you, but now you can see how they relate to God, the universe, or the world in a more accurate way. It may amaze you.

The boy who put his finger in the dyke

My father told me this story many years again, of a young boy that put his fingers in the dyke, to save Holland, as the Netherlands was called in those days.

My father was born in the Netherlands. He emigrated with his family, to South Africa, when he was a teenager.

My father explained to me that dykes were used to claim land back from the sea.

The Netherlands actually grew larger with the aid of dikes and polders, making the old Dutch adage "While God created the Earth, the Dutch created the Netherlands" come literally true.

The story, of a young boy that put his fingers in the dyke, was invented by an American writer, Mary Elizabeth Mapes Dodge.

Mary Elizabeth Mapes Doge began her writing carrier in 1865. She published her book Hans Brinker, otherwise known as the Silver Skates. Her book became an instant best seller. It became a children’s classic. She carefully did research on the Netherlands, and her Dutch neighbours helped her also.

Many Americans visiting the Netherlands were disappointed because nobody could show them the dyke where Hans Brinker plugged the dyke with his fingers. The demand from American tourist became so high, that in 1950, the Dutch Bureau for Tourism placed a statue of Hans Brinker at Spaarndam. The sculptor’s name was Grada Rueb.

In 1954, the story was rewritten by a dutch autor called Margreet Bruijn, it was called
Een nieuw verhaal naar het oude boek van Mary Mapes Dodge, illustrated by Maarten Oortwijn.

She placed the story in Spaarndam because of the statue which is also known as Hans Brinker. 

The inscription beneath the statue is in Dutch and English and it reads:

Opgedragen aan onze jeugd als een huldeblijk aan de knaap die het symbool werd van de eeuwigdurende strijd van Nederland tegen het water.

Dedicated to our youth, to honour the boy who symbolizes the perpetual struggle of Holland against the water.

The Dutch tactfully used the word "symbolizes" because the story isn’t a popular folktale in the Netherlands, but thanks to the statue at Spaarndam, American tourists can visit the "Dutch" hero that originated in an American novel.

The story

This story is a legend, Dutch dykes were made out of clay, and a finger in a dyke will not help to save the day

Many years ago a young boy by the name of Hans Brinker lived in Haarlem with his parents. His father was a sluicer. A sluicer is a man who opens and closes the large oaken gates that were placed across canal entrances to control the amount of water flowing into them.

One day when Hans was walking home after visiting a friend, he heard the sound of trickling water. Hans went too investigated and he saw a small hole in the dyke. Hans put his finger into the hole and the leak stopped.

Hans stayed that like that all night. He was numb with cold. Daybreak came and a clergyman, who was returning after he had visited the bedside of a sick parishioner, heard Hans, who was groaning in pain. The clergyman saw Hans, and immediately set off for help.

This story is told to children to teach them that if they act quickly and in time, even they with their limited strength and resources can avert disasters. The fact that the Little Dutch Boy used his finger to stop the flow of water is used as an illustration of self-sacrifice. The physical lesson is also taught: a small trickle of water soon becomes a stream and the stream a torrent and the torrent a flood sweeping all before it, Dyke material, roadways and cars, and even railway tracks and bridges and whole trains.

Why are Dutch people leaving the Netherlands?

A record 150,000 people are set to leave the Netherlands in 2015, according to Jan Latten, who heads the social demographics department at the national statistics office CBS.

Unrest, too little space and bad attitudes are the main reason Dutch people considering emigration are leaving the Netherlands to live abroad, according to a study done by the Emigration Fair.

The Emigration Fair is taking place on February 13th and 14th in Expo Houten in Utrecht. 11 thousand people who bought tickets were asked about their reason for departure.

Most, 24 per cent are looking for more space, tranquility and a natural environment in which to raise their kids. Only slightly less, 23 percent gave bad attitudes in the Netherlands as reasons. 16 percent are leaving for a job and another 16 percent are leaving to enjoy their retirement.

The refugee crisis is a good reason to leave for 13 percent of respondents. Crime and traffic jams play a smaller role with 5 percent and 3 percent respectively.

About 3 percent of the total Dutch population is considering emigration. About 148 thousand people leave the Netherlands each year, a 41 percent increase compared to 10 years ago. 

Belgium, Germany and Spain have always been popular with Dutch émigrés, Scandinavia is also growing in popularity, Latten said.

Over the past 20 years, 2.2 million Dutch nationals moved abroad, and around half of them eventually returned home.

‘This could be because they no longer have a job, they are homesick, have health issues or grandchildren,’ Latten said. Given that some 200,000 immigrants and refugees are expected in the Netherlands 2015, the population will grow by around 50,000 in 2015, the Telegraaf said.

This means the population of the Netherlands could top 17 million in 2016.