EMPATHY

 

EMPATHY

 

I asked someone what empathy means and I was told it means it is feeling the feelings of

other people.  The answer was simple.

 

I been hearing this word a lot lately and I have a basic idea of it but I wanted to know more about empathy.  Usually nothing is simple if it is worth anything especially when it comes to feelings and relationships.

 

People that have empathy:-
· They are more concerned about others than themselves
· They put another’s needs before their own
· They are compassionate
· They are comfortable being their True Self regardless of who they’re with
· They are comfortable with their vulnerabilities
· They are highly resilient and emotionally flexible

For me it this, when I have a connection with a person, I am drawn to that person.  It can be someone I know or even a complete stranger.  Firstly it is their facial expression and their body language.  I don’t really have to know how they are feeling by their voice.  This is just a confirmation of what I already felt.  It is the nonverbal signs that I pick up.

It is another matter if I am speaking to someone over WhatsApp, skype.  I can’t see them so how they sound is very important.  Their voice goes flat, they don’t seem themselves.
People I know very well just have to say hello and I immediately pick it up. 

Yes one has to be in tune with one’s own feelings.  We need to understand our own emotions.  I feel that I can pick up people’s emotions as I find empathy is lacking towards me in my own life.  Yes I get sympathy but I never had anybody feel what I was I am feeling and connected with me on this level.  They might go through the same experience but for all purpose they can never see that I have gone down the same path.

For me the art is to become an observer.  This is not because I don’t care because I care too much.  It is not about me anymore.  It is about the other person.  The main thing is to engage and listen, and really listen. 

The one time I was in a shop at the checkout counter and this woman came in, got what she wanted to purchase and was standing beside me.  I immediately sensed that something was wrong.  It is none of my business, right.  No, I started to talk to her and asked her how she was.  She was very reluctant to start a conversation with me but them the damn burst inside her.  She was crying, her husband had been shot in a robbery and he was in critical condition in hospital.  They did not know if he would make it.  She went on to tell me how and when this happened.  I listened as she kept talking.  My heart was breaking.  I too ended up crying but I did not want her to see this.  She regained her composure and pulled herself together.  It was hard for her but all she really needed was someone she could talk too.  She left in a better state of mind than when she came in.  The teller asks me “how did you know that something was wrong?”

We know what people with empathy have, now for those that don’t.
· They are insensitive to others’ needs
· They act selfishly
· Behaviourally impulsive; decisions based on emotional impulse
· They are argumentative or always have to be “right”
· Quick to find fault in others
· Blame others for their own problems
· They hide their vulnerabilities or minimize them
· Struggle inter-personally
· Limited of Self-awareness

It is not easy to know when a person lacks empathy as these people have their own agenda for what they are doing by faking empathy.

Playing the hero by fixing someone’s problem and saving them is one form of a hidden agenda.  Or when a person encourages another to talk about their problems and can’t wait to spread it to others.  They are faking empathy.

False claims of how much empathy they have for others.  How at times it can be too much for them to deal with emotionally.  One thing about empathy for others one does not need to be praised for how caring one is for another.

They have no interest in another insecurity, depression or anxiety.  They cannot even relate to the person not like they don’t know how it is to feel insecure, even jealous, depressed or suffering from anxiety as they claim it is of no importance as they rarely feel any of these things.

A person that looks for a solution in relationships, even self-medicates, takes up hobbies that become compulsive, various other things that are self–sabotaging in order to forget, they using it disengage themselves on how they are truly feeling. This is regarded as not genuine empathy for themselves or other people.

Similarly, if a person uses chasing relationships, self-medicates, compulsively engaging in hobbies, or engages in any other self-sabotaging pattern as their go-to distraction — they are using these distractions to numb and disconnect which is often based on a self-serving agenda, not genuine empathy for themselves, or another.

 

Anything in moderation is good but when it becomes excess it is considered unhealthy and even toxic.

In the end, we have not enough empathy or too much empathy. To little means we are selfish and too much makes us at a risk of not been able to cope with what we are feeling emotionally.


References

Gardner, H. (1983). Frames of mind: The theory of multiple intelligences. New York: Basic Books.

Szczepek Reed, B. (2020). Reconceptualising mirroring: Sound imitation and rapport in naturally occurring interaction. Journal of Pragmatics, 167, 131–151.